Beowulf: No, not THAT version…
November 16th, 2008 by The Queen Herself | No Comments | Filed in "Not So Original" Movies, Cheesy Goodness, You Poor BastardI watched this the entire way through giggling my copious butt off. It wasn’t until after I read the Amazon synopsis that I realized all the anachronisms I saw were intentional. This version of Beowulf is supposed to be set after the apocalypse. Sure, why not? I mean, we all know that after the world ends mankind will rise back up and have a few electronic devices, such as infrared telescopes, and loudspeaker systems, but will have no indoor plumbing, no lighting, and will naturally go back to a feudal system (where the women stride around in Victoria’s Secret lingerie). Oh, and heroes of legend such as Beowulf will wander the land as an immortal who must constantly fight evil so he does not become evil himself.
So I got laughs for all the wrong reasons with what I thought were anachronisms. That’s okay. There was plenty else to entertain me for all the right reasons.
Not the least of these were the star, Christopher Lambert. This was made shortly after Mortal Kombat, and it shows in the soundtrack, and the manipulation into the script of the line “That was a mistake.” If you have seen any of his later work, you’ll understand why he is yet another entry into the “You Poor Bastard” category. He’s not a great actor, but he is charismatic, and always entertaining. I don’t think I have ever seen him take himself too seriously, which is why I love him nearly as much as David Hasselhoff. Here he plays Beowulf with his usual flair, and thanks to a talented stunt double, is still a great action star.
We are also introduced to Rhona Mitra who plays Kyra, Hrothgar’s willful (naturally) daughter. She has a solid career going for her now, including Doomsday (which I still need to see), Skinwalkers (another one I intend to watch) and taking over the lead role in the upcoming Underworld 3: Rise Of The Lycans. Watching her performance here you can understand why. Sure, she’s walking around showing off her svelte figure in lingerie ensembles no self-respecting warrior woman would wear, but she plays against the testosterone-laden co-stars with believable fire and intelligence. Thank god she had a good agent, because she definitely deserves roles in better movies than what I enjoy!
The rest of the cast does admirably well with this B-grade flick and take on the hackneyed lines with just enough tongue-in-cheek attitude that the movie is entertaining and fun. Grendel’s mother is played by a former Playboy centerfold, but she delivers her lines with a lot more skill than I would have expected. Even when they stick her in Species alien makeup, she takes it all in stride.
The mixture of a techno soundtrack and western movie themes just adds to the ludicrous nature of this telling of Beowulf. I haven’t read the epic poem, yet I’m sure they took a few liberties here and there, and still stayed true to the spirit of the legend. But really, that’s not the point of movies like this.
Basically, don’t watch Beowulf for the story. Don’t watch it for the acting. Don’t watch it for the action. Don’t watch it for the laughable ’special effects’ on Grendel. Don’t even watch it for the giant paper cutter the enemies beyond the castle walls use to dispatch refugees. Watch it for the same reason I watch these kinds of movies: because you’re bored, you need a laugh, and you can appreciate a bad movie for all the things that make a truly bad movie so great.
And Christopher Lambert, go ahead and do the remake of Mortal Kombat that I see is in casting mode. I, for one, will watch it just for you, dear man.
Tags: anachronism, apocalypse, Christopher Lambert, giggle factor, You Poor Bastard





