Cheesy effects and great actors. What a combo!

Sweet, mad as a hatter Sean Connery is the only reason I sat down to watch the classic train wreck that is Meteor. Already old enough to feel he needed to wear a toupee, but still exuding that Connery charisma, he holds his own against other stellar actors who got suckered into this thing.

Meteor was plagued by all sorts of problems, mostly due to the folks behind it having grandiose dreams of a blockbuster, but not enough resources or people skills to pull it all together. Sadly for them, this was a flop back in 1979, but for the Queen Of Cheese sitting down to watch it finally in 2009, I loved it.

Meteor has all the elements that make a great B-movie disaster/science fiction flick. We have astronauts all the way out in a spaceship near Jupiter and Saturn. We get to see them converse with space command back on Earth, with absolutely no delay. Spiffy technology since there’s at least a few seconds delay just between Earth’s orbit and the ground! The acting aboard the space craft as a deadly meteor heads their way is awesome, too, especially with the cheesy lighting effects to simulate combustion. We get more questionable science as a comet zips through an asteroid belt and drags some big rocks with it, and one at least five miles wide ends up on a direct course with Earth, along with some baby meteors just big enough to cause lots and lots of damage, including destroying a ski resort, causing a tidal wave, and other general mayhem.

Even more ludicrous is the science behind how the meteor is going to be stopped. The U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. both have secret, illegal space weapons with nuclear missiles, originally pointed at each other. The plan is to cut through some political b.s., provide some political posturing, but ultimately aim those missiles at the meteor instead, coordinate a launch that will divert the giant mass away from the planet, yet not just break it up into smaller, just as deadly pieces that will hit us anyway.

Really, it’s not the bad science or laughable attempts at a political or military drama that will keep you watching this thing. It’s the heavy, ominous music that sounds every time the meteor is seen rolling slowly, inexorably on it’s path of doom. It’s the long, drawn out sequences as the missiles are readied for launch, again with overbearing, giggle inducing music throbbing away, making sure we know this is a serious moment we should all take pride in as citizens of the Earth. Or something.

The acting of the main cast is definitely more than this film deserved. Sean Connery is the bitter scientist sucked back in to save the day. Karl Malden is his friend and liaison who does his best to stand between him and the paranoid military man played by Martin Landau. Brian Keith plays a very convincing native Russian scientist, delivering his lines in an accent that makes you forget all about that diabetes-inducing show, Family Affair. Natalie Wood is beautiful and smart as his English translator, and Sean Connery’s tepid love interest. Henry Fonda takes a brief turn at being President of the United States, naturally being more noble of character than any real politician would be under those circumstances. The tons of secondary characters are all top notch, adding alternate touches of humor and melodrama. Even some of the silent, just in the background characters are a riot, including a duo of ladies in a caved-in subway scene who are doing their nails with looks of ultimate boredom as they await rescue.

There have been lots of disaster movies before Meteor and tons after, and arguably Meteor is not well done. However, there’s a certain charm to it with it’s over the top music, above average acting, and laughable premise of how the world would be saved from a crisis like this, not to mention the overtly phallic symbolism in all those nuclear rockets (which the movie lingers on for several minutes longer than necessary to simply say it’s ‘dramatic’). It’s got the 70’s hair, the 70’s wardrobe, the 70’s attitude about politics, the military, and science, and an awkward, unrequited romance between a young Russian translator and an ‘old enough to be her grandfather’ American scientist. It all adds up for a popcorn-munching couple of hours. In the end, if the looming meteor rolling towards you doesn’t make you giggle a bit, you’re not watching this for any of the right reasons!

Tags: action flick, b-movie, Brian Keith, disaster flick, disaster movie, giggle factor, Henry Fonda, Karl Malden, Martin Landau, Meteor, Natalie Wood, sci fi, Sean Connery

F'get about it!

Oscar is the latest entry in The Cheese Alphabet, and Sylvester Stallone’s second appearance in the list. This time he plays a gangster named Snaps Provolone trying to go straight per the death bed wishes of his father (played magnificently by Kirk Douglas). The farce which ensues is fast-paced, ludicrous, and a cheesy good time!

There are tons of secondary characters without which this wouldn’t stand a chance. I love Mr. Stallone in this role, and gotta give him props for comedic timing, but he definitely couldn’t hold the movie up by himself. His willful daughter is played by Marisa Tomei, and she plays it to the hilt. She throws temper tantrums. She launches into long speeches about how she wants to climb Mount Everest, write symphonies, run with the bulls, and other such grandiose ideas, but really she just wants to move out of her father’s house. So she takes up with the chauffeur named Oscar, and claims to be pregnant with his child. That sets one set of whirlygig lunacy in motion as her parents scramble to fix her up with a suitable husband, and she fights it every step of the way.

We have Tim Curry who plays the linguistic coach to Snaps Provolone. He’s an older man, still lives with his mother, whose head is easily turned by the lovely gangster’s daughter with ‘nicely rounded diphthongs.’ He ends up entangled in the marriage miasma with sweet, funny results.

Anthony Rossano (played by Vincent Spano) sets another farce in motion as Snaps’ accountant. While Snaps is planning to donate a large sum of cash to to a bunch of bankers in exchange for being named to their board of trustees (and thereby becoming ‘legit’), Anthony embezzles $250,000, tells Snaps he loves his daughter, and that he knows his daughter loves him because they’d already slept together. Being a good father, Snaps wants to kill the smug young man, but refrains, because that wouldn’t be the actions of a man whose gone straight. Instead, he decides that Anthony will indeed marry his daughter.

Problem is, Anthony meant Snaps’ other daughter, Theresa, from a previous relationship. Snaps never knew about her, and now is torn with fatherly devotion, and fury at being duped by an accountant. Plus, his wife (played by Ornella Muti from Flash Gordon) isn’t very happy about the whole thing.

The lunacy whirls all around, with fast paced dialogue and that whole ‘old time movie’ feel. Everything is harmless fun, and a lot of it. The entire cast is great, including Snaps’ thugs, which includes Chazz Palminteri who just can’t seem to remember he’s not supposed to pull a gun on people anymore. We also get a great performance out of That 70’s Show’s Red Forman, Kurtwood Smith, who is Lt. Toomey of the Chicago PD desperately trying to nail Snaps Provolone and prove he’s not really going to be a legitimate businessman. There’s a scene with your typical mixed up black satchels that has the classic old movie feel, and adds a great touch to an already riotous movie.

There’s no way you can take anything about this movie seriously, which is why I love it so much. After vampires, gun fights, ghosts, beasties, the occasional zombie or nasty virus, a movie like this with nothing supernatural about it is just what I need. The fact it’s a well-done parody/nod to those old time gangster movies that leaves my sides hurting from laughing is just icing on the cake.

If you’ve never given this movie a chance, I highly recommend you do so. There’s no shame in enjoying a Sylvester Stallone movie, especially when he’s having so much fun at his own expense!

Tags: Chazz Palminteri, gangster movie, Kirk Douglas, Kurtwood Smith, Marisa Tomei, Ornella Muti, Oscar, Sylvester Stallone, The Cheese Alphabet, Tim Curry, Vincent Spano

You'll always be Nick Fury to me, David Hasselhoff!

Thanks to the Sci Fi Channel airing this movie once many years ago, I was able to catch one of the absolute cheesiest displays of cinematic wonder ever made. It’s Nick Fury: Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D. with the one, the only David “Don’t Hassle The Hoff” Hasselhoff as the eye patch-wearing, cigar clenching, black leather clad hero himself.

This is a made-for-tv movie based on the comic book character introduced back in 1963. I never read any of the comics, so I have no clue how closely they followed the canon. I just know that there are some great backgrounds, gadgets, and special effects for a made-for-tv movie. It gives a lot of big budget feature films a run for their money.

The cast of characters are played by actors culled from various soap operas, including some Baywatch alumns. We have Lisa Rinna as Contessa Valentina ‘Val’ de Allegro Fontaine, who is basically the love interest. I’m sure she was chosen because she had experience with cheesy lines from her soap opera work, and could pull off the tight leather outfit with high heels and not fall down when she needed to run in it. This was before Lisa Rinna got a little too interested in lip plumping treatments, so she’s pretty, instead of a little freaky. For being so short in comparison to Mr. Hasselhoff, she holds her own quite well against him.

We have Neil Roberts as Alexander Goodwin Pierce, a British gent trying not to screw up in this rough and tumble world. He’s charming, even as his character fumbles through some situations, and doesn’t come off as a wuss. We also have Tracy Waterhouse who plays a psychic named Kate Neville. She looks very much like the morally bankrupt doctor from Robocop 2, but it’s not her. She’s a great character to have, both for the convenient psychic thing, and to have a sensibly dressed tough chick. Both of these side characters do their part to balance the full on cheese of this movie and it’s characters.

The bad guy at the heart this flick is a fanatical group named HYDRA, but the main representative we see the most of is Andrea Von Strucker, code name Viper, played salaciously over the top by Sandra Hess. The character is German, so we get the full on, probably getting a little spit in your eye if she’s facing you when she talks, accent. She struts around in low cut dresses, fashionable head coverings, and lipstick laced with poison. Sandra Hess obviously had a ton of fun with this role, and just went for broke being all ‘villainy’. She even does that awesome ‘mwah ha ha’ style laugh, so you know for sure her character is evil. I love her in this movie!

Then we have Nick Fury, as only David Hasselhoff can play him. Being tall and still in great shape certainly didn’t hurt his ability to do this role. The fact he obviously had fun with it comes through loud and clear in every scene. He delivers his lines through grit teeth whenever possible, glares at any authority figure in his path with as steely a gaze as he can muster, and clenches that cigar butt through 95% of the movie without actually taking a puff. He may have actually smoked a cigar at some point in the movie, but even for all the times I’ve watched it, I’ve been too busy laughing to notice every detail. It’s Mr. Hasselhoff’s sense of fun that is absolutely infectious, and makes this movie one the favorites in my collection.

If you’re a fan of cheese, you must get yourself a copy while you still can. It was finally released to DVD exclusively through Best Buy back in 2008. I snapped up my copy already, and I encourage you to do the same. There’s something about owning such a cheesy masterpiece. It’s a sensation that can’t be duplicated by watching it whenever you’re lucky enough to catch it on Encore Action. So go, my five readers. Run to Best Buy and place your order. You will not regret it!

And now for just a hint of what you’ll get when you make the investment in your own copy of Nick Fury: Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D.…

Tags: action flick, action movie, david hasselhoff, giggle factor, Lisa Rinna, Marvel Comics, Neil Roberts, nick fury agent of shield, Sandra Hess, The Cheese Alphabet, Tracy Waterhouse

Violent, a little discomfiting, and very, very good.

It took me fifteen years to finally watch The Professional, or Léon as it is also called, with Jean Reno, Natalie Portman, and Gary Oldman. It’s directed by Luc Besson who also directed another of my favorite movies, The Fifth Element. Mr. Besson must have a thing about violence, and older men with much younger women, and while the age difference isn’t as uncomfortable in The Fifth Element, there are times in The Professional when I cringed watching the twelve year old character, Mathilda, with the professional killer old enough to be her grandfather.

The Lolita hints aside, this is a very well written, directed, and acted film. I like my cheesy movies, but I also like solid action movies with cheese thrown in as one of the spices.

The movie starts off introducing Léon, and showing off his skills as a silent, efficient assassin for hire. I can’t imagine anyone other than Jean Reno playing this part. He can do the action, but he can also act, which raises this above a, say, Jean Claude Van Damme kind of film.

Then we see young Mathilda sitting outside her apartment smoking a cigarette. It’s clear Léon is concerned for her as he asks how she got the undeniable bruise on her face. Mathilda has been watching him closely, too, because she knows how much and what kind of milk he drinks, and offers to buy him some when she goes grocery shopping. However, he is a man who can’t afford to get personally involved, so he leaves her and simply goes into his apartment where his only companion is a plant he tends to meticulously, and the darkness as he sleeps sitting upright in a chair.

Enter Stansfield, a pill popping DEA agent who has issues with Mathilda’s father. Gary Oldman plays this character with his usual quirky, creepy, ‘Christopher Walken ain’t got nothin’ on me’ style. Stansfield gives the man one day to resolve it, and you just know things aren’t going to end well for this family. The only thing that saves Mathilda from the blood bath the next day is her grocery shopping trip. There is a heartwrenching scene where she walks up the stairs, sees her apartment surrounded by men with guns and hears them talk about how they shot the whole family, including a little boy. Realizing her family, including the only member she loved (her little brother), is dead, and she should have been, too, she doesn’t even look at the apartment, walks straight past the men, and down to Léon’s apartment. Léon is involved in her life inextricably after that.

There are several scenes with Mathilda and Léon that are laugh out loud funny. Léon isn’t good with people, has obviously had a hard life, and while smart, isn’t educated enough to realize his ‘friend’ who gets him his jobs and ‘holds’ his money for him is actually ripping him off. Léon has a sweet side that belies his ability to take out an entire S.W.A.T. team if necessary, and it comes out whenever Mathilda is with him.

Mathilda is a normal twelve year old girl in the fact she becomes infatuated with the man who saves her, and who can take on all the bad guys in the world. Her infatuation gets them in trouble and forces them to move a few times because she does typical twelve year old girl things, thinking she’s being cute, or grown up, but is just being stupid. She’s at the stage in life where she’s still a little girl who carries a stuffed bunny with her everywhere, but thinks she’s in love with Léon. She makes Léon choke on his milk with her comments several times.

The last third of the movie keeps you on the edge of your seat. Mathilda is determined to kill Stansfield to avenge her little brother, and Léon is determined to protect her. As things comes to a violent head, you’re keeping your fingers crossed that everything will work out the way it would in a perfect world.

If you have never seen The Professional I definitely don’t want to spoil it for you. It is violent, but not gory. It’s a little uncomfortable, but never inappropriate. There are plenty of funny moments throughout to break up the tension, but the action is relentless when things hit the point of no return. It is definitely a movie that earns the title of ‘classic’, and I certainly won’t wait another fifteen years to watch it again!

Tags: action flick, action movie, Danny Aiello, Gary Oldman, Jean Reno, Leon, Luc Besson, Natalie Portman, The Professional

Flawless victory!

I’ll admit I played a lot of Mortal Kombat when it hit the arcades. I played Lord Rayden really well, but could never beat a friend of mine when he played Scorpion against me. Then when Mortal Kombat II came out, I kicked his butt all over the place with Kitana’s whirling blades. I was a goddess! Or something.

Then I grew up a little bit, only to have the movie Mortal Kombat completely suck me back into immaturity. I don’t regret a thing.

This movie set the standard for how a movie based on a video game of all things should be done. Great sets, lots of detail, plenty of nods to the game itself that the hard core players would notice, but the uninitiated need not know about to still enjoy the flick. Yes, the characters are stereotypes, because they’re based on a video game, but there’s still a lot more back story and depth to them than I see in a lot of the movies I sit through today (even big screen, big budget ones).

It was smart of them to concentrate on a core three: Liu Kang, Sonya Blade, and Johnny Cage, but with plenty of support from other major characters such as Lord Rayden and the big bad Shang Tsung. We also get Scorpion, Sub Zero, Kano, Goro, and even Reptile. They introduce Kitana’s character here, but she’s pre-kick ass warrior gal, so she has one fight just so she can pass words of wisdom to Liu Kang.

The plot is nice and basic, and plays along with the theme of the game. Again, even those who never played it can still follow along and just appreciate it for the cheesy story it is. There’s a tournament that only the most elite of fighters are invited to. It’s on a mysterious island where radios and other communication devices are useless. To get there you have to take a big boat that looks like something Vikings would sail on. On the journey you meet the wise Lord Rayden who is trying to steer our three favorite fights into winning, since, well, the fate of the world rests on their victory. No pressure.

The fight sequences are very choreographed, but are still really cool to watch. Most of them keep to the time limit set by the video game, which keeps them short and sweet. The CGI and costuming are just awesome. Many of the sets and details are culled straight from the game, including the giant tower that gauges your progress towards fighting Goro.

Basically this is just a great popcorn-muncher of a movie. It’s probably a little too much for really young kids, but it doesn’t have gore, it doesn’t have sex or nudity, and I can’t think of any cuss words at all, other than a stray ‘Damn!’ here and there. It’s a fun action movie with a decent plot, good guys you can root for, bad guys you can boo and hiss at, and plenty of tongue in cheek humor along the way. It definitely doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Sadly the sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation sucked so badly that it created a whirling vortex of hostility towards it’s creators in my living room as I watched it. I didn’t even torture myself with subsequent ones. I flinch at the idea of the planned 2010 ‘reboot’, but have a faint, very faint glimmer of hope for it because it’s rumored that Christopher Lambert will reprise his role. Just like I raced to watch Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li, I will ignore that banshee voice in the back of my head shrilly telling me how much a ‘reboot’ of one of my favorite movies will blow chunky monkeys. I just can’t resist the siren call of a potentially great, but most likely bad, movie.

Be that as it may, if you’ve never watched the original Mortal Kombat, grab yourself a copy at the outstandingly great price of $5.99 from Amazon. Pop a giant bowl of popcorn. Get a box of Junior Mints and Good ‘N Plenty. Invite over friends who will appreciate the cheese factor. And don’t be ashamed of the Play Station you have hiding in a corner of your house that you bought all those years ago just so you could play a little Mortal Kombat II. There’s no shame in wanting to relive those goddess moments as you shred Scorpion with Kitana’s whirling blades.

Tags: Bridgette Wilson, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Christopher Lambert, Linden Ashby, Mortal Kombat, Robin Shou, The Cheese Alphabet, video game movie

Centaurs, griffins, ship mastheads come to life. All so very, very cool!

I’m a sucker for Sinbad movies. At some point in my youth I watched all three in Ray Harryhausen’s trilogy, from The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad, to The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad, to Sinbad And The Eye Of The Tiger. I love them all for the cheesy train wrecks that they are. However, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad seems to be the one that sucks me in the most often when I chance upon it on television. Maybe it’s the griffin and centaur fight at the end. Maybe it’s the evil sorcerer whose incantations are actually nothing more sinister than Trix and and Cocoa Puffs commercials read backwards (no, seriously). Maybe it’s the flying creatures that spy for the sorcerer. Maybe it’s the ship’s masthead that comes to life to attack Sinbad’s crew. Maybe it’s all the other wonderfully goofy, cheesy, corny effects interspersed throughout. Whatever the reasons, I can’t help but sit and watch this with giddy, girlish giggles of glee.

Honestly, I barely listen to the dialogue. The cast is well played, and the lines are delivered well, but this is a creature feature, and a pirate movie, and a sorcerer movie, so I’m just watching for the cool creatures and some magic. Yes, there are some funny lines, but that’s just a cookie sprinkling on top of the sundae. The characters are typical, and just there to push the story along. It’s the awesome creature effects that keep me glued to the screen. The attention to detail show the love that is missing from some of today’s slick CGI. The six figured statue of Kali that battles our heroic crew is mesmerizing to watch, especially knowing how much work went into it. Anyone trying that today would fall woefully short of Harryhausen’s standards.

The basic plot is Sinbad must quest for a third piece of a medallion, of which he has the first, and a grand vizier has the second. Along the way he encounters the evil sorcerer, Koura, is convinced to bring a lazy, spoiled sultan’s son on his ship to toughen him up, and also frees a slave girl named Margiana. She’s pretty much there as eye candy, although they hint that she has a higher purpose because she has an all seeing eye tattooed on her palm. Really, she is there so young boys from the 70’s could hope she pops out of her tight, low cut top.

Everyone journeys around trying to get this third piece of the medallion, which promises youth, invisibility, and riches. There are plenty of battles along the way to keep the movie from dragging, culminating with a fight between a centaur and a griffin, and then the centaur and Sinbad, and then Sinbad and the sorcerer. We get a nice, safe happy ending, and all is right with the world.

This might be too tame for some of those in the younger target audience, but I think anyone who watches this with the proper expectations of a 70’s flick, and perhaps a little glass of something alcoholic, will get a lot of laughs out of it, and be impressed with the creature effects. After so much CGI I think one needs to get a good dose of ‘old school’ to gain perspective and maybe appreciation for special effects as an art form.

If you get the chance, definitely watch all three of these Sinbad movies. However, if you have time for only one, definitely go for The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad. In this case the ‘middle child’ is the best!

Tags: 70's movies, Caroline Munro, creature feature, fantasy film, giggle factor, John Phillip Law, pirates, popcorn munching afternoon, Ray Harryhausen, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad, Tom Baker

Lots and lots of cheesy goodness!

I’ll tell you right now the only thing I know about the classic television show that the movie Lost In Space is based on/a tribute to is from seeing it parodied on shows like The Simpsons. It seems like a show so campy and bad that I’m shocked I haven’t sat down at some point in my life to watch all the episodes. However, while the movie is definitely more serious, and has an actual plot to drive it, and has great acting talent, there is a ton of humor throughout, and the chemistry amongst the cast makes me love it. I love a good, action packed sci fi flick, and when you add in a few bonuses, I’m in heaven.

It starts off with a great hook by having a space battle over a hyper gate that is meant to save the planet. There’s great action and CGI, and plenty of banter as we see Matt LeBlanc show he’s more than just ‘Joey’ from Friends as he plays Major Don West. With all the swagger and likable bravado he displays, I’m saddened to know his last effort is the failed spin off from that television series, instead of a lot of action roles. Be that as it may, he’s a big reason of why I love this movie so much.

It doesn’t hurt that he plays very well against Don West’s love interest, Judy Robinson, played with subdued attitude and charm by Heather Graham. She’s quite believable as the brilliant daughter in charge of the cryosleep chambers which make the long space flight to Alpha Prime possible. She comes off as smart, a bit frosty, but with a flair for delivering snide remarks without making you think ‘What a bitch.’

William Hurt plays the father, Mimi Rogers the mother, with Jack Johnson as the son and Lacey Chabert as the youngest daughter. This is a family with lots of problems, most of them stemming from the father’s obsession with saving the planet, even at the cost of his relationship with his loved ones. We get just enough setup in the beginning of the movie to see that the youngest daughter is acting out because she doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, the son is a genius and having major daddy issues, and the wife, while she loves her husband, would like to strangle him for leaving her to tend to the serious mess and work of packing up a family to go on a one way trip into space. If done at all differently it would have been too much, and there would be no sympathy for these characters. Instead, they seem authentic, and you really hope for the best for them.

Gary Oldman plays the evil Dr. Smith, and he does it in that typical Gary Oldman ‘I’m just as creepy as Christopher Walken any day of the week!’ style. Unlike Christopher Walken, however, Gary Oldman can deliver a performance that makes you hate him at the same time as making you miss him if he weren’t there. He’s got great comedic timing, and can go from sniveling to sinister in 2.3 seconds. He adds just enough camp value to his role to pull off being turned into a giant spider creature without it seeming all that unexpected.

This is a longer than average movie, but every time I watch it I never notice. There’s so much great dialogue and character interaction, along with a very interesting story that involves time holes in space, time travel, infestations of cannibalistic spiders, and plenty of gun fights and fancy space flying, even in the rare ‘down time’ moments, you don’t have a chance to be bored. Yes, it’s based on a campy television show, but it stands alone as an awesome, under-rated in it’s own time, science fiction flick.

If you have never seen it, I highly recommend you get yourself a copy (Best Buy still has it in print!) and sit down with it for a popcorn munching good time. Great story, great characters, rich special effects, and great dialogue all add up to put this cheesy, fun movie in my personal list of ‘Movies I Can’t Live Without’.

Tags: Gary Oldman, Heather Graham, Jack Johnson, Lacey Chabert, Lost In Space, Matt LeBlanc, Mimi Rogers, sci fi movie, The Cheese Alphabet, William Hurt

Laugh all you want. You're meant to!

Not just because Krull has a young Liam Neeson do I love this cheesy, cheesy movie. I love it for the camp. I love it for the cheesy special effects. I love it for the odd mish moshed storyline that tries so hard to combine science fiction and fantasy. I love it for the nifty weapon the hero must quest for, the Glaive, which in real life would have caused himself much more accidental injury whenever he wielded it than it would have any foe. I love it for how easy on the brain it is, because it’s not that great of a story, but there are so many details to distract me that I just don’t care. I love it for the Cyclops, The Beast, the Fire Mares, The Widow Of The Web, and all the other creative things they have dancing around while people shoot lasers. It’s such an awesomely silly movie that I’m giggling just thinking about it.

This definitely wasn’t the launching pad of anyone’s careers. Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane were just fortunate enough to be good actors, and obviously have aggressive agents, or they would have sunk into the quick sand of Hollywood that sucks even more than the pit found in this movie. The two leads, Lysette Anthony and Ken Marshall just never managed much more than adequate careers after this. I wasn’t surprised about Ken Marshall, because he was better than nothing to me as far as heroes go. But Lystette Anthony was gorgeous, constantly had a knowing smirk on her face, but didn’t come off as an inane little twit. When she appeared later in the revival of Dark Shadows I had high hopes her star would take off. But I guess Hollywood just has too many striking, petite redheads with a little spark, and she just couldn’t claw her way through it. Maybe her accent was too thick, since I only now learned that her voice in this movie was overdubbed by an American voice actress, Lindsay Crouse.

Never mind the acting, which for the most part is just barely above the level of most movies I distract myself with. The storyline is bizarre enough to hold my interest. Krull is a planet far, far away, and is invaded by The Beast and his Slayers. The Beast has a big black fortress that moves every night to a new location, so tracking him is difficult, and requires the use of a seer, or when the seer gets killed, a Widow Of The Web.

Two families who have been fighting for who knows how long have decided to yield to clichés and marry their son and daughter to each other. There’s just enough time for them to flirt and fall in love, and then Slayers attack, killing just about everyone, and kidnapping the Princess Lyssa. Well, now Prince Colwyn has to band together thieves and other such unsavory characters to quest for the one weapon to defeat The Beast, as well as to track down his fortress.

Several character deaths later we get the epic battle between the young lovers and the big ugly Beast. The ending is so saccharin that it does elevate one’s risk of diabetes, but by this time I’m so far gone with giggling that I can’t turn it off even if I want to. And I don’t.

If you’ve somehow managed to escape a viewing of Krull, you really are missing out on one of the cheesiest movies ever made. It’s so cheesy that I encourage the uninitiated to watch it as a rental somewhere first, just in case it’s too much for you to handle. I love it, but if you’re one of my five readers you know what other movies I’ve loved, as well, so take that as your fair warning!

Oh, and Hollywood, leave Krull alone. You’re already messing around with too many other of my favorite movies from my youth. Krull is mine. MINE. You can’t have it for one of your stupid ‘reboots’. The Queen Of Cheese has spoken.

Tags: Dark Shadows, Fire Mares, giggle factor, Ken Marshall, Krull, Liam Neeson, Robbie Coltrane, Slayers, The Beast, The Cheese Alphabet, The Glaive, The Widow Of The Web

It's campy. It's cheesy. It could've been better. Right up my alley!

Okay, I’m probably going to get a lot of crap for admitting I enjoy this movie. It’s a guilty pleasure, and it is taking a lot of personal fortitude to acknowledge to all five of my readers that yes, I like the god awful Judge Dredd. In my defense, I like it for all the reasons so many others despise it.

I never read the comic it was based on, so right off the bat I don’t have to worry about the natural outrage at having the canon and mythology of the original story being dismembered. I also really like Diane Lane, and think she shines as a counterpoint to the cardboard acting delivered by Mr. Stallone. She plays a fellow judge, Judge Hershey, whose tough and smart, and more than a match for Judge Dredd. I understand that there’s no romance at all in the comic book, but the one hinted at in the movie version was just enough to keep me entertained.

I could have done without Rob Schneider, but at least he’s not at maximum annoying. He’s mostly likable, and actually fits into the storyline reasonably well.

Armand Assante plays Rico, the brother of Dredd who happens to be psychotic. He breaks out of prison so he can put his evil plan into play. He wants a world populated by clones of himself, not that he’s a narcissist. He’s also smart enough to frame Dredd for murder, ensuring Dredd’s ejection from society, thusly keeping the plot moving forward.

Poor Sylvester Stallone. I really liked him in Demolition Man, and had great hopes for him in Judge Dredd. It’s a sad testament to his acting ‘talent’, and my sometimes perverse appreciation of bad movies, that he’s the main reason I can’t not love Judge Dredd. It’s Mr. Stallone’s ability to deliver every line with a curl of his upper lip and nearly no inflection that keeps me giggling and watching every time this movie comes on. It’s a train wreck for me. I can’t turn away. I’m just not that strong.

The world of Judge Dredd is presented with a lot of detail. It’s crowded and noisy, and not a safe place to be, especially when street Judges start getting killed off. The smallest infraction can land you in prison. Power is held by a select few, and not handled judiciously. There’s a lot of potential with the story, and you can see where they were trying to go with it. Even though they zigged when they should’ve zagged and went for more camp and cheese than a plot richly infused with political intrigue, the end result still has merit.

I realize this movie is so bad that it’s not for everyone. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I laugh my way through it every time it comes on. There’s a remake in the works, and it sounds like it’s going to be done in a much more serious vein. That’s all well and good, but this first version is corny, cheesy, laughable, and completely up the alley of The Queen Of Cheese.

If you’ve watched it before and hated it, give it one more try. Maybe time will have healed some of those wounds. If you’ve never watched it, give it a shot. Be brave. It’s bad, but sometimes a bad movie is just what you need to make your own corner of the universe feel like a better place.

Tags: 2000 AD, Armand Assante, Diane Lane, DNA films, Janus Project, Judge Dredd, Max von Sydow, Rob Schneider, Sylvester Stallone, The Day the Law Died

'If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!'

Ghostbusters is as close to a perfect cheesy, funny movie as I can think of. The writing is excellent. The plot is unique and interesting. The characters are engaging. The ensemble cast has great chemistry together, and was when Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd still enjoyed doing ‘the funny’. Grown men walk around firing proton accelerator rays at ghosts and get paid for it. New York City is in jeopardy of being destroyed by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. It’s how a supernatural action/comedy is supposed to be done!

I can’t imagine anyone who grew up in the 80’s managing to not see this movie. If you’re some young punk who’s never watched it, go check it out now. Here’s a link to watch it for free on Crackle.com to save you any excuses. If you don’t laugh out loud in at least twenty spots, you’re not paying attention.

This is another movie I watched during formative years. It may explain a bit about my sense of humor, and a few oddities I’ve developed over the years. Then again, funny is funny, and quality is quality, and Ghostbusters has both in spades. From the opening scene with Dr. Venckman obviously manipulating a test of psychic abilities in an attempt to hit on a pretty girl, to the basement of the New York Public Library where the team examines slime, symmetrical book stacking (‘You’re right. No human being would stack books this way.’), and a free floating, full torso apparition of a librarian, to the scientific method of catching said apparition (a.k.a. ‘Get her!’) to ending up buying a fire station and starting their own ghost catching business, all the way to facing Zuul and saving the day, Ghostbusters is full of visual gags, subtle and not-so-subtle humor, great special effects, and lots of cheese and giggle factor. I’ve watched this movie so many times, I could probably recite the entire script from memory.

There’s not a lot I could add to the legacy of this movie in the way of a proper review. I love this movie. I think it’s great. I think everyone should own a copy, and cherish it. ‘Nuff said on that front.

I will now proceed to the ‘venting and ranting’ stage of this article. There should never have been a Ghostbusters 2. Period. It’s as bad as when they did a sequel to Gone With The Wind, for crying out loud! Standing on it’s own as a movie it’s weak and hackneyed. As a followup to the perfection of its predecessor I consider it an insult. When I saw there was going to be a baby thrown in, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. They went for the ‘aw, isn’t that cute?’ instead of a solid script with original writing. They added more slime. They made the Statue of Liberty walk around and generate good feelings among New York City dwellers to defeat the bad guy. It all makes my left eye twitch.

Now I read that they’re going to do a Ghostbusters 3 and do it all in CGI. Just because the Underworld franchise did a trilogy of their weak fare doesn’t mean you should add insult to the injury of Ghostbusters 2 by doing a third movie! Especially when it’s clear not everyone is on board with the project, including Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver. Doing it in CGI won’t be cool. It will just highlight how pathetic it is that the storyline is being drawn and quartered.

Worthless, injurious, sequels aside, the first Ghostbusters is still a strong enough movie to stand on it’s own and withstand the onslaught. You know how sometimes a sequel just sours you on the original? Not so with Ghostbusters. It’s held up high with Zuul, Slimer, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the Gatekeeper, the Keymaster, and all the supernaturally funny material that went into making this movie a classic!

Now, for some extra cheese topping, check out Ray Parker Jr’s video to go with the theme song!

Tags: Bill Murrary, Dan Aykroyd, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters 2, Ghostbusters 3, Peter Venckman, Sigourney Weaver, Slimer, The Real Ghostbusters, Zuul