What's that in the distance?...Is that what's left of our careers?

Okay, after being absent in my oh-so-valuable reviews of all that is cheesy in the world of B-movies, I’m finally back to a level of free time which allows me to indulge in this irresistible fixation of mine. The first movie I chose to review sadly has no deep meaning for me, no grandiose karmic communication I felt had to be imparted to an unsuspecting world. Nope. It just happens to be what was in my DVR for me this weekend.

So here goes a review of MegaFault, another venture from Asylum Home Entertaiment which has a lot of potential which was allowed to all shake to the bottom while the CGI team tried to make the graphics more believable. There was a lot to work with this time in the way of the cast, including Eriq La Salle, of ER fame (as well as one of my favorite 80’s movies, Coming To America), Bruce Davison (X-men and a schnike-load of other work), Brittany Murphy (whose “girly” movies I’ve never liked, but could appreciate her fortitude in working opposite of Ashton Kutcher), and Paul Logan (who others may say isn’t a plus, but whom I loved in Komodo Vs Cobra). To the credit of the cast they all played their parts very well. Maybe too well for a movie of this limited caliber. There wasn’t any sense of fun at any point from any of the cast, except an occasional smart-ass line delivered by the background actors. I know this is a disaster movie, but it’s a very far-fetched disaster movie, and one put out by Asylum Home Entertainment. C’mon folks, I know it’s not as fun of a premise as Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, but roll with the punches and revel in the cheese factor!

I think the seriousness that “end of the world” movies incite is what turns me off of them. There seems to be a fear of making fun of anything, no matter how ludicrous the storyline gets. We have a man who specializes in blowing up mountains, named Boomer, and when he takes out a mountain, it causes a giant crack across North America, pretty much dividing the United States in two as it tears through the earth. The military enlist cute little Dr. Amy Lane who has no problem leaving her daughter and husband behind to go investigate the earthquakes, and then get called upon to calculate where the military should fire this secret weapon they have in space that can (wait for it….) start earthquakes! Back to the old “cure amnesia” theory of halting a crisis, whereby you simply have to start another earthquake in the right spot and the world will remember it’s real name is Alice, and she has a dog named… I mean, you’ll stop the first earthquake.

Not to be outdone, the cure then weakens the mantle. Naturally we then get a mega volcano that has to be stopped by blowing up a whole bunch of stuff, ’cause, well, they were running out of reasons why Boomer needed to keep hanging around.

There’s not much of substance along the way, but you do end up liking Amy Lane and Boomer, because they’re played by actors who know how to create empathy. Again, it’s just misplaced for a little movie like this. They’re acting like they’re going for an Oscar instead of just trying to keep their careers in forward momentum.

The special effects here are typical Asylum. Not horrible, not great, but still just bad enough to elicit a giggle. I think that’s why I keep watching Asylum’s movies, because at least half of them I can get through as a result of that cheese factor. The other half (such as The Terminators) are so bad I can’t get past the first thirty minutes, despite my stubborn, masochistic nature.

If you’re a fan of disaster flicks, you will probably enjoy Megafault. If you’re a fan of cheesy movies, you’ll be left wanting (and feeling a little sorry for Brittany Murphy and Eric La Salle).

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, Asylum Home Entertainment, Brittany Murphy, Bruce Davison, Eric La Salle, MegaFault, Paul Logan, You Poor Bastard

Giggles galore!

As soon as I saw the title Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, I knew this movie was meant for me. I laughed my way through the wooden acting, and the frugally dispersed CGI of a cool looking Mega Shark and Giant Octopus. I even went so far as to watch the “special features”, and those were even funnier. The “outtakes” give one actor about five minutes more screen time than the two minutes he actually had, because he couldn’t get one of his three lines right. Listening to the four main actors discuss the movie is almost painful to endure. They try to talk it up, but look in their eyes. They’re dying inside as they do so. Three of the four don’t even get enough courtesy to have their interview conducted inside a nice, quiet room where you can even hear them. But that’s okay. For Debra Gibson’s segment I was too distracted by the guy working behind her who kept showing butt crack every time he bent over. The funniest extra was the short clip with the “cinematographer”, especially as he tries to get the poor camera person to help him demonstrate a cheap, but effective, technique to mimic a submarine being thrashed around.

But the special features weren’t what drew me in. It was the ridiculous plot, passable (I’m being generous) acting, and whiplash-inducing blips of CGI. C’mon, people, a giant shark takes out a passenger jet in mid-air! And attacks the Golden Gate Bridge! Show me that in the previews and you know I’m going to be salivating to watch the rest of what passes for the movie.

Sadly the previews give away the best parts, but this is such a train wreck I will be buying myself a copy when I see it cheap enough. $19.99 definitely is not cheap enough, but get down to the $7.99 range, and I’ll be reminding people about it at Xmas time.

So what’s all the hub bub about? Debra Gibson is an ocean scientist who is exploring underwater. She notices whales going nuts and crashing themselves into icebergs. This in turn knocks away enough ice for her to catch a glimpse of two prehistoric creatures locked in mortal combat, just before they come back to life and zip away into the murky depths. Giant sized incidents occur around the globe, including an attack on an oil rig, and our fun little plane munch. Governments naturally get involved, and our lovely scientist finds herself caught up in it, along with her former professor, and a forced love interest in the guise of a fellow scientist from Japan. After some lame science, an even lamer excuse for the main characters to have sex, and an even lamer resulting hypothesis about pheromones as a result of that sex, we’re off on a monster hunt.

Really, don’t bother trying to figure out the plot. It’s the same old stuff with government conspiracies, scientists saving the day, and narrow escapes thrown in. This is a low budget (comparatively) movie, and it shows in the small cast and limited sets. I’m actually pretty impressed with how much bang for their buck Asylum gets for their bad movies, and don’t mind how much they recycle things between them. I’m watching for giggle factor and cheese, and Asylum delivers at least one time out of five.

For the beleaguered cast I have to give props for at least having fun with the movie. Yes, in their little interviews they may be taking it a little too seriously, but at least that didn’t filter too much into the actual movie. There’s a lot of tongue in cheek delivery of lines, and I get the feeling that they were trying not to roll their eyes as they said most of them. Debra Gibson isn’t the best little actress in the world, but she’s definitely not as bad as some I’ve seen. She holds her own against poor bastard Lorenzo Lamas, who sounded like he really wanted them to kill off his character so he wouldn’t have to risk a sequel. Her professor, played by Sean Lawlor, is the believable mentor. The love interest, played by Vic Chao, plays his role a little too “this will get me an Oscar, right?”, but he’s still very likable, and has decent chemistry with Gibson.

All in all, Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is a giant waste of time. However, it’s a funny-groaningly-bad-leave-you-giggling-and-feeling-slightly-guilty-about-finding-it-so-funny, giant waste of time. And for the Queen Of Cheese, that’s good enough!

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, Asylum, b-movie, creature feature, Debra Gibson, giggle factor, Lorenzo Lamas, Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, Sean Lawlor, Vic Chao

Dead weight of a plot sinks this unseaworthy tale.

I was bored and decided, what the heck, I’ll watch an obvious quest for accidental viewings that is 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea. It has Lorenzo Lamas, so I figured it could be good for a few laughs. And it should have been.

This was frustrating, because it could have been very entertaining. They went with some slick CGI on the submarines and the nifty mechanical squid beasties at Captain Nemo’s command. There were even a few mildly entertaining exchanges of dialogue. There was a little bit of action. There was a little bit of intrigue. But there wasn’t enough of anything to keep it afloat, even for the less than 90 minutes of screen time they invested in it.

The main thing it was missing was Captain Nemo. We have to wait until at least halfway into it before we meet him, and then he’s there just to deliver a few hyperbolic “I’m going to show the surface world the evils of it’s ways by launching nuclear missiles at it!” lines. He’s supposed to be mad! Where’s the crazy? Where’s the feral looks as he realizes his plans are being foiled by land lubbers? Where’s anything that would have made him more interesting?

Sad thing is his character had a lot of promise, but they kept his screen time so minimal there was no chance to let the psychotic inside of him shine, like it should have. Instead we have to follow around Lorenzo Lamas and his crew, which includes his ex-wife, and none of them are interesting enough to make me care if they survive or drown. Again, they could have been, but they don’t focus on any of them long enough to draw you into their world. The banter between Lamas’ character and his ex-wife is bearable, but lacks the spark to provide any believable tension.

The basic plot is a submarine gets attacked by a squid beastie, and is stuck at the bottom of the ocean. Lamas and his crew are sent in with their nifty technology that creates a giant oxygen bubble underwater, with the intent to use it to save the crew of the submarine. Captain Nemo has designs on both the nuclear warheads on the sub, and the oxygen bubble technology. He wants the bubble to restore the lost city of Atlantis, which he has discovered. Things just get a little waffley after that, and I just nursed my glass of wine and waited for the inevitable predictable ending.

This is a movie that actually would have benefited from having more screen time, as long as it was used to develop the characters properly, flesh out the plot so things made sense, and given much more Captain Nemo. I was surprised it wasn’t a made-for-tv movie, since it had that feel all over it. If it had been a mini-series, I think it actually would have turned into something great, instead of this rushed-through, by-the-numbers (minus one) formula.

Poor Lorenzo Lamas. You’re not as great as a David Hasselhoff, but you definitely don’t deserve being stuck in a “Stephen Baldwin is the only Baldwin we could get” role like this one. Personally I can’t wait to see the upcoming Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! It has a mega shark, a giant octopus, you, Mr. Lamas, and Deborah Gibson. If that kind of setup doesn’t provide a ton of laughs, my faith in this world will simply be shattered.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, 20000 Leagues Under The Sea, 30000 Leagues Under The Sea, action flick, action movie, b-movie, Jules Verne, Lorenzo Lamas, so close to greatness it's frustrating, You Poor Bastard

Interesting creature, albeit misclassified...

Okay, first I have to get my complaint about this movie title out of the way. It’s called Bottom Feeder, right? And a ‘bottom feeder‘ is a type of fish, right? But the creature in this feature has nothing aquatic about him! So what’s with calling the movie Bottom Feeder? I was expecting a fish creature movie, and get a man/rat/dog thing instead.

Oh well. It’s not like the movie is going to be one I watch again, anyways. It’s not as bad as some of the movies I’ve watched lately, but it’s definitely not a keeper. There’s guts and blood and slimy skin mutating, but it’s there for a reason, so I can deal with that. The characters are actually pretty funny, and there are lots of great lines bandied about.

Even the premise of the story is interesting, hinging on a genetic serum designed to heal all sorts of damage, including burns, broken bones, and other wounds. Of course with any scientific enterprise based on genetics, there are horrible side effects that can only be countered by more scientific stuff. In this case it’s blue stuff that has to be injected into the patient at the right time after you inject them with the green stuff. If you don’t, then they’re going to be very, very hungry, and eat anything that crosses their path. Disgusting as that can be, the kicker is their cells will continue to mutate without the blue stuff, and they’ll mutate into hybrids of whatever they’ve eaten. Fun stuff.

So a billionaire is hoping to buy himself full recuperation from his severe burns, and then a long life. He’s paid a team to track down the scientist who made the green and blue stuff, and lures him in with promises of money that would help the scientist’s ailing wife. Instead they test the green stuff on the scientist, and completely ignore what he tells them about the blue stuff, so he mutates, and the story goes into full swing.

Stumbling into the middle of the mess is a maintenance crew led by poor bastard Tom Sizemore. The four of them end up going into the tunnels where the scientist has been locked up to mutate. It isn’t very pretty after that, but there are some great one liners. There is also a good side story going on with this evil wench of a woman working for the billionaire. She has no problems beating and shooting someone, leaving them to mutate, and then go in prepared to chop up his body with a power saw, all the while making comments like “A woman’s work is never done.” She’s played by Wendy Anderson who has a Gillian Anderson look about her, but a lot more attitude. Her character by far is the most interesting of the bunch, and I found myself hoping she survived to the end.

The only thing this movie has going for it is the interesting characters and entertaining dialogue. The plot never really takes off, and the science is flawed, even for a B-movie. The theory is you’ll mutate into whatever you eat, so if you’re eating humans, you should become more human again, right? That probably would have called for too many changes to the makeup after the man/rat/dog hybrid was established, and I bet there wasn’t enough budget for it.

This was worth one viewing, but I won’t be making an effort to watch it again. For a creature feature it’s tolerable, saved by the dialogue, but this is another movie that will go in my mental ‘don’t bother’ pile.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, action movie, Bottom Feeder, creature feature, Tom Sizemore, Wendy Anderson

Cute tiger plays a little rough.

Okay, there aren’t any lions, but there is a very pretty tiger, and Gary Busey. I was kind of hoping for good ol’ crazy Gary Busey, but he was very, very subdued, to the point I wondered what dosage they had him on. His character wasn’t a wild and crazy guy, or anything, but I expected a little bit more life out of Gary Busey performance. In fact, this movie felt like everyone walked around in a fog, so half the time I spent viewing it I just wanted to see shots of the pretty tiger.

It starts off with a driver swerving on a foggy road to avoid a child sleepwalking. The tiger gets loose, but leaves the child alone. The driver, not so much. Then there are a few more killings, and the tiger’s tracks are discovered, so we don’t have any of the usual wide range denial on the parts of all the characters who insist it can’t possibly be a tiger. Nope. They all agree that it’s a tiger, and the media swarms all over it, making things worse.

The sleep walking boy is featured in this story, but his supposed significance never really pans out. The tiger follows the boy to where he lives with his mother in a trailer, and just sits outside as if the tiger were on a vigil, or even playing bodyguard to the boy. The boy’s mother keeps him out of school, and educates him by making him memorize the Bible a chapter at a time. She wakes him up each morning with a verse, and his first words of the day must be to tell her the book and chapter the verse comes from. She claims she doesn’t want him corrupted by the world. She is a very non-sympathetic character. I’ll leave my analysis of the mother at that.

The boy runs all around through the woods, nearly causing car wrecks as he darts in from of vehicles, and shouting to the tiger to warn it that soldiers are on the way to kill it. It takes too much time for it to be made clear that the boy honestly didn’t think the tiger he sees is real, and that he just dreamed it. And then he keeps dreaming about it, predicting who the tiger will kill next. This plot thread could have been very interesting, but it’s not consistent, so it’s just mildly irritating.

Gary Busey plays the town sheriff who just wants to protect everyone. There are plenty of other characters that are colorful in a pastel sort of way, including a British tiger hunter trying to redeem himself by hunting this town’s tiger. Eventually the sheriff, the hunter, and the boy are all involved with tracking down the tiger, with the boy thinking the tiger is nice because he doesn’t have a television and hasn’t seen the pile of body parts the hungry kitty has left behind.

The ending is predictable, but it at least provides closure for all the aspects of the story. For a man versus beast movie, this one is pretty boring, bland, and not worth making time to watch. There are a couple of funny lines, but they’re few and far between. If it’s on and you have nothing else you feel the urge to view, go for it. Otherwise, let’s release this one back into the wild and hope they don’t make a sequel.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy the song that I couldn’t get out of my head as soon as I heard the title of this movie!

Tags: animal attack movie, b-movie, Gary Busey, Maneater, tiger, You Poor Bastard

Stephen Baldwin says 'I'm a hero! Really, I'm awesome! Aw, c'mon, call me 'awesome'!'

I feel like a meanie-bo-beanie for being unable to restrain my laughter at the expense of Stephen Baldwin. He puts on a convincing show of wanting to be an actor, but he’s pretty much the same character in a different hat in everything I see him in. And he picks roles where he gets to be the hero in a non-threatening kind of way, so he can feel assured that he’s being all clean-cut and a good role model, or something. It ends up feeling very fake, but it does give me cheap laughs that I’m sure will be put in the column heading of ‘Yep, she’s going to hell’ when it’s time for me to face my maker.

That being said, Earthstorm gives me lots of ‘going to hell in a hand basket’ kind of giggles, and not all of them are because of poor Stephen Baldwin’s attempts to have a career. (Seriously, Stephen, how much does it hurt your ego to know you’re cast in a role only because you’re the only Baldwin they can get, and they just want your last name?) The plot of Earthstorm is delightfully bad science, and involves the moon cracking apart after an asteroid hits it, and the United States determined to fix it, because gosh darn it, that’s what the United States is supposed to do!

It turns out that our only hope is in the skills of a demolitions expert who knows how to bring down a building without scratching the surrounding area. Enter Mr. Baldwin and his team of a cute young girl who considers him a father figure, and a smart young man who seems to just be there as character ballast. Mr. Baldwin’s character is obsessed with his work after losing his wife, so he’s all tough and hiding his emotions, see. That’s acting! Of course he presents the same expressions while talking about his late wife as he does when he’s recruited to work for the government to save the world, and when he’s informed he’s being launched in a space shuttle in less than an hour.

But I digress. The speed with which the government moves makes sure you know that this is fiction, especially when they pull together a shuttle launch to the moon to include an untrained, not fit for space travel, guy to tag along. I know this is a disaster/world is gonna end movie, but everything about it is just so ludicrous I couldn’t help but laugh all the way through. Watching the shuttle navigate through a storm of moon rock debris is just a riot, while at the same time pretty darn cool. Watching Mr. Baldwin tend to an injured astronaut on the flight, cobble together a replacement device to deliver the proper detonating force when they realize they brought the wrong thing (d’oh!) on the trip, and manage to be a reassuring presence to his cute young lady demolitions crew member almost simultaneously brings ‘ludicrous’ to a whole new level for me. It’s so bad, it’s awesome!

The ending is very trite ‘edge of your seat’ showmanship with little actual drama or tension. The very end is so cutesy as to be a replacement for syrup of Ipecac if one needs to induce vomiting. Overall I would watch this movie again, and if I found it cheap enough may even buy a copy. It’s really that over-the-top cornball bad! And Stephen Baldwin, you may not be a cheesy actor by choice, but obviously the powers that be decided that this is meant to be your fate. I’m glad to see with your continued choices of roles that you have embraced this truth as much as I have. Cheese on, least favorite of all the Baldwins. Cheese on.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, Baldwin brothers, Dirk Benedict, disaster movie, Earthstorm, giggle factor, least favorite Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, watchable

This is what Thor SHOULD look like...

[caption id="attachment_1068" align="alignnone" width="95" caption="This is NOT Thor!"][/caption]

When I think of Thor, I think of a strapping Viking who laughs in the face of danger, has a lust for life, and is generally a bad ass worthy of wielding a gift from the gods. Instead we get a young, chubby-cheeked whelp who hurts his knee when he swings his sword at an enemy and misses, and then hobbles around nursing it, who whines about how he can’t possibly be destined for the heroic things he sees in his visions, and makes me want to send him to his room until he can be a big boy and not cry about everything.

Okay, I exaggerate, but this is not the Thor I expected. They make sure you never see him without lots of fur and armor, because I suspect he’s as physically unfit as his chipmunk cheeks make me think. Okay, he’s supposed to be a young Thor. He’s still learning, he’s not a leader yet, and he definitely hasn’t obtained the Hammer Of The Gods. But that shouldn’t mean he can’t be an impressive specimen of a Viking, that he shouldn’t have command presence, and that he shouldn’t be able to shake off bumping his knee without making a show of it. I don’t know how Zachery Ty Bryan (formerly of Home Improvement) got the part, but he doesn’t fit, and it ruined what little else this movie had going for it.

The whole plot is convoluted, as well. It’s like they started off with one idea, then decided, no, that won’t work, let’s make it be this, instead, but don’t bother rewriting anything, just zig instead of zagging. And then they did it again about two thirds of the way into the movie. So by the end I just summoned up my own Norse heritage as a call for strength, and suffered through what should have so very, very cool.

The story starts off with a group of Vikings landing at what they believe to be undiscovered land. Shortly in a wolf monster takes one of their crew who went scouting with Thor. They venture deeper in, all the while discussing various visions that Freya, the wife of the leader, sees. They also put up with Thor nearly fainting when he starts seeing visions of a great warrior wielding a mighty hammer. Then they discover survivors in a cabin who tell of more wolf people, and beg they leave this place. Instead of taking that as sound advice, our Viking group sets off to find their missing comrade. That’s when the wolf men start picking them off more quickly. Somewhere along the line we discover the wolf men are really shapeshifters, minions of Loki, and that Loki guards The Hammer, which was used to slay his brother, a serpent demon, so long ago. After a betrayal you could see coming a mile away, and a predictable character death, we’re introduced to another mysterious survivor, Vali, that we never learn the purpose of. Is he there to take The Hammer? Is he there to help? Or was he just an extra character thrown in because they ran out of ideas? By the end I didn’t care, other than it was over.

The graphics of the wolf men at least were decent. There wasn’t a lot of gore for the sake of gore. And the main representative of Loki’s minions does the whole evil and manipulative thing with a lot of style, and is probably the only character I liked. She delivered her lines with a passable accent, but didn’t overdo it, and wields her twin blades in the inevitable fight scene with surviving Viking warrior women with panache. Sadly I can’t locate any information about her character on this movie’s IMDB page.

There are too many problems with Thor: Hammer Of The Gods to make it passable, even by my standards. Between the lazy, wandering plot, the dialogue relying on tons of ‘By Odin’s Beard!’ and other such stereotypical Viking-expected exclamations, and the mostly lackluster acting, it’s boring at best. If they’d stuck to one storyline that would have helped. If they’d cast the lead properly, and not given us a Thor that just needs a hug, that would have been even better.

Tags: Home Improvement, Loki, Norse Mythology, Odin, painful test of endurance, Thor, Thor Hammer Of The Gods, Thor just needs a hug, Vikings, Zachery Ty Bryan

No one in their right mind wants to be king of this...

Dear god, this isn’t even worth the $7.98 price tag I see at Amazon. Supposedly based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s novel, The Lost World, it introduces a giant gorilla right off the bat, which apparently isn’t even in the book. It at least looks cool, but the glimpses we get of the furry guy are few and far between, and pretty cheap CGI, even for a B-movie of this ‘caliber.’

They twist the story around by having planes crash land like flies hitting a bug zapper as soon as they enter the air space. In the original tale people arrive there quite deliberately, and are able to leave. In this ‘adaptation’ rescue planes crash as well, you know, to add insult to injury. Radio equipment is stripped out of fuselage by the natives, presumably by other survivors trying to get out of this movie, er, off the island. So there’s basically no escape, even at the very end. Truly, you feel sorry for those that make it out alive, because that means there may be a sequel.

We’re promised dinosaurs and giant spiders and giant scorpions, and we do eventually get them. However we have to sit through a lot of setup to make sure we, as an audience, understand that this plane has crashed on this island, lots of people are hurt, but about half of them are willing to venture over the hill and into the jungle to search for the other half of their plane. Oh, and there’s disagreement about that, but it doesn’t amount to more than surly looks. And when we do finally get spiders, it’s a little CGI and a lot of rubber puppets getting thrown around. It should have been funny, but the film has such a heavy overtone that the potential is lost.

Funny thing about this jungle world is that we only see spiders in one area, killer vines in another area, and giant scorpions in another. Realistically there should have been these critters all over the place waiting to take advantage of a huge cast of easy snacks. And if the Queen Of Cheese is using the word ‘realistically’ in a criticism of a movie, that should give you an idea of how boring and clunky this sucker was that I found myself distracted by such concerns.

There are previous crash survivors on the island who have naturally developed their own primitive, savage society, complete with a language that they must have created for whatever reason, but we don’t know why, or care. They paint themselves black and white, strategically wear strips of linen, and all have perfectly straight, white teeth after eating who knows what with limited hygiene resources. They still speak English when they feel like it, but that’s only long enough to let one of the wives hit on Bruce Boxleitner’s character. This tribe also grabs the newest crash survivors and apparently sacrifice the half that stayed behind with the first piece of the plane, because you only see them get herded off, never to be seen again. Lucky them. The other half that ventured into the jungle must wait it out until the bitter end, like the viewer.

As is often the case in badly done bad movies of this ilk, the cast is horribly wasted. The four main characters reprising a version of Doyle’s creations all do well with the little they’re given, and have decent chemistry between each other. You actually hope they all make it out alive so they can go beat the living crap out of their agents for putting their name up for this. Especially Bruce Boxleitner who deserves so much better than this (and especially better than a Transmorphers 2 for god’s sake). Sadly, I must put him in my You Poor Bastard category.

This should have been awesome, cheesy, and loads of fun. Instead it felt a little like Lost mixed with King Kong mixed with all of those reality shows where everyone yells at everyone else, then cries about it, then form alliances to push the other team off the island. Instead we get clunky script, dialogue, special effects, storyline, and none of the requisite cheese factor that should have gone with it. This was a complete waste of time. You have been warned.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, action movie, Bruce Boxleitner, creature feature, giant gorilla, god awful, Jeff Denton, King Of The Lost World, painful test of endurance, Rhett Giles, Sarah Lieving, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Transmorphers 2, You Poor Bastard

Where else will you see Matt Houston make a cameo appearance?

I’ve sat through a couple of viewings of Showdown At Area 51 and it’s very okay. It’s not horrible, definitely not great, borderline good, but lacking that special something that would make it live in my heart forever.

Part of the problem is the blatant rip off of all the other ‘dueling aliens come to our planet for a final showdown’ movies. They try to add a twist by throwing in a device that will end the world, where the only thing that can deactivate it is housed in ‘the real’ area 51. This just confuses things at the same time as it adds at least something to keep the plot moving forward. Since this long, hard rod is the only thing that can stop the countdown, and the bad alien wants to make sure the countdown isn’t stopped, and the bad alien also already knows where the device is instead of having to decipher markings on the long, hard rod like the good guys, why doesn’t the bad alien just sit in a prime sniper spot and pick the good guys off as they come to turn the device off? Okay, that would completely defeat the purpose of this being a cheesy movie, but the plot was so weak on this one even I can’t help but say, ‘That’s kind of stupid.’

Be that as it may there’s at least a lot of action between the ugly, naturally evil, alien, and the good alien who looks remarkably humanoid, named Jude, played by Coby Bell. There’s even a scene between the two characters where they stand in a face off ala classic spaghetti westerns, hands twitching at the holsters of their weapons, just waiting for the other to make the first move. You could almost hear that classic whistle from old Clint Eastwood westerns playing in the background. Sadly, they didn’t go for the cheese and actually put that music in.

The other two main characters have the typical back story of being former lovers with a stormy past. They start off helping Jude, then second guess themselves that he might be the bad guy, especially when Lee Horsley makes his cameo as a junk yard owner/former scientist with some of the best lines in the movie. When asked if he has any guns, he replies ‘I may be smart, but I’m still a redneck.’ and proceeds to reveal a small armory in his house.

Jason London finally plays a different character than I’ve seen him do lately, this time a former military man who threw away his career for the love of a woman, and now rides a motorcycle and can actually throw a decent punch. For such a stereotypical role he’s very charming and believable.

Unfortunately I can’t say the same for Gigi Edgley’s character. She’s supposed to be a linguistics expert, which is fine and well, but I think she feels uncomfortable in a role where she’s not painted blue. She couldn’t seem to figure out how much ‘oomph’ to put into her performance now that she’s not acting through the layer of her old Farscape costume. Acting through a mask or heavy makeup is a lot different that going ‘au natural’, and she didn’t look comfortable. Her chemistry with Jason London is forced, and lets lines that should have been a riot (including numerous references to the rod, and having to put it in the right slot) fall flat.

In the realm of B-movies this is definitely a B-minus, losing points for missed opportunities at humor, not giving Lee Horsley more screen time, and not going over the top ridiculous on the plot to make up for it being so lame. I can’t see myself owning a copy of the DVD, but someone else might feel more forgiving of the flaws to give it a home. Besides, it wasn’t all bad. It didn’t take itself anywhere near as seriously as the finally ending new Battlestar Galactica.

Tags: aliens, Battlestar Galactica, Chiana, Coby Bell, Farscape, Gigi Edgley, Jason London, Lee Horsley, Matt Houston, sci fi, Showdown At Area 51, spaghetti western, watchable

This is about as much screen time as Billy Zane gets...

Oh, poor Billy Zane. First your official website is under construction, so I can’t even properly link to you. Then you get ‘top’ billing in a ripoff of all the ‘aliens want to take over our planet and are already hiding in plain sight among us’ sort of movies, and get a total of fifteen minutes of screen time. You seem to be getting work, but it’s nothing of the box office status like Titanic, or cheese factor of The Phantom. I must therefore place you in my ‘You Poor Bastard’ category. I’m sure your world will come crashing down around you now that the self-proclaimed Queen Of Cheese has made her declaration, but you must carry on, dear man.

Alas, my fondness for Billy Zane and his capacity to deliver quality cheese has made me digress from actually talking about Alien Agent, which for a completely unoriginal concept is still a lot of fun. Once again it’s the characters that draw me in and keep me engaged when I would otherwise leave the room without hitting pause while I refill my coffee cup.

An alien world is dying and needs a new world to sustain itself. The good aliens don’t want to destroy sentient life in order to survive, but the bad aliens don’t give a rip. In fairness, these bad aliens have been living amongst us for awhile, secretly building a little wormhole/stargate/portal device. After even a small amount of exposure to the ‘parade of humanity’ I think any alien race would not consider us sentient, let alone worth saving. Especially if they check out all the cheesy movies some of us have on our DVRs…

But again I digress. The good aliens send one agent, named Rykker, to come and save us from the whole gang of bad aliens. This bad ass with a good heart is played by Mark Dacascos. He plays a wooden sort of character with brief moments of funny, especially when he deals with the teenager who tags along after the requisite personal tragedy leaves her all alone in the world. Julie is played by Emma Lahana, and is another former Power Ranger who has impressed me in a subsequent role. She pulls off overly-confident, independent young lady very believably, and provides the comic relief throughout. There’s one scene when she rushes up to grab a discarded alien weapon to defend Rykker. She picks it up with a mannerism which clearly expresses ‘Ew!! Gun!’, and then segues beautifully into ‘Oh, that’s how it’s supposed to go!’ and starts firing. I could totally see my niece doing the exact same thing, and it’s completely understandable, and authentic. I think this actress could get a lot of work if she has a good agent.

The leader of the bad aliens is named Isis, of all things, and is played by Amelia Cooke. She’s pretty, tough, and delivers dark looks that could melt someone’s brain if channeled properly. Despite the hackneyed script, her character is very interesting, especially when you realize there’s a connection between her and Rykker.

The movie stays pretty much on track, although it’s a short trip with a lot of sight seeing into gun fights, martial arts exchanges, and car chases. There’s not a lot to work with, but the filler keeps me entertained, and the chemistry amongst the characters keeps me wondering who’s going to survive, and who’s going to end up with whom.

The ending confused me, though. I couldn’t figure out if a character intentionally deceived another one, or if they really thought the device they hopped into would send them back home. I feel so forgiving of this movie because of the mild entertainment it provided, that the only complaint I really have is that it didn’t give proper closure.

The only other bad thing about the ending is it’s obviously hinting at a sequel, or even a series, which I think would be a mistake. This is the sort of movie that could venture into the melodramatic and take itself way too seriously very easily. Last thing we need is another sci fi series like that when we’re finally getting rid of the snobbish version of Battlestar Galactica…

Tags: Alien Agent, aliens, Amelia Cooke, Billy Zane, Emma Lahana, Kim Coates, Mark Dacascos, sci fi movie, You Poor Bastard