Alien Vs Hunter: 80 minutes longer than it should have been...

a.k.a. This Movie Vs Anything Watchable

I truly am a masochist. I should have turned this thing off after the first five minutes. However, I kept hoping beyond hope that maybe there'd be some great one-liners among the listless dialogue, funny moments mixed in with the cloddish violence, or something original scrambling to the surface of the bubbling crock of crap blatantly ripped off from the Alien Vs. Predator franchise. I was wrong.

I also kept watching for the train wreck factor of William "I was The Greatest American Hero" Katt trying to keep his career alive. His IMDB page is full of listings, but not of anything I've heard of, or care to. Then there was DeeDee Pfeiffer, who annoyed me so much in another atrocity, Journey To The Center Of The Earth. At least she wasn't wearing glasses in this one, but she still ended up all fidgety towards the end, making me wonder if she's trying to be cute and perky, or if she has a medical condition that needs to be addressed.

There's a lot of other characters in this, and some were mercifully picked off quickly by the alien that morphs into half spider. Others had to endure almost to the end, and one can only hope that their first stop on the way home from the set was to meet with their agent so they could fire them.

The whole movie is so unoriginal that watching it made my eyes glaze over at a few points. Of course that could also have been the weird orange filter they filmed everything with. Were they trying to give it a desert look? A toxic look? Or were they hoping washing out all the color would make your eyes lose focus and not notice how bad the movie really is?

It starts off with a reporter jogging down a road only to be picked up by the local sheriff off on a domestic disturbance call. While they're chit chatting they see something fall from the sky and crash conveniently where they're headed. The characters immediately come across an alien that decides it needs to kill everything that moves. The reporter survives and ends up dragging a whiny young girl looking for her mother back to his place. She snoops in his bathroom and realizes he's a failed writer and starts yelling at him about possibly wanting to write a story about her tragedy. Then they go into town where more people yell at him, and then decide they need to work together, and then decide that they need to head to a local hunter, and then bicker pointlessly some more, and basically make me want them to all die, and die now.

There's two aliens running around now, but they hint that maybe there's more than one of the spider aliens, and that the other non-spider alien is protecting the humans, but ultimately it doesn't matter because everyone is a target anyway, and if you get in the way of the other alien you're going to be toast. The characters end up in tunnels, then split up, then more characters arrive to go on a quasi-paramilitary operation, and somehow the reporter and another character discover they like each other, and I just want the pain to stop, so I pour myself a tall glass of wine.

At the end the 'good' alien wins, I guess, and then returns to its ship to take off it's helmet and reveal-dun dun dun dun!-he's not so alien after all, and really was just out hunting, and is planning a new hunt. Dear god, that means there's going to be a sequel, and it'll probably have DeeDee Pfeiffer and William Katt reprise their roles, and DeeDee might end up so fidgety at the end of that one she'll just be a blur on camera.

Unless you're a masochist like me, don't bother with this 84 minute piece of cinematic insult to all that should be cheesy and fun. Watch Alien Vs Predator instead, which is a masterpiece in comparison, or even better, skip the aliens premise and go for Boa Vs Python or Komodo Vs Cobra.