Earthstorm: Featuring my least favorite Baldwin brother...

Stephen Baldwin says

I feel like a meanie-bo-beanie for being unable to restrain my laughter at the expense of Stephen Baldwin. He puts on a convincing show of wanting to be an actor, but he's pretty much the same character in a different hat in everything I see him in. And he picks roles where he gets to be the hero in a non-threatening kind of way, so he can feel assured that he's being all clean-cut and a good role model, or something. It ends up feeling very fake, but it does give me cheap laughs that I'm sure will be put in the column heading of 'Yep, she's going to hell' when it's time for me to face my maker.

That being said, Earthstorm gives me lots of 'going to hell in a hand basket' kind of giggles, and not all of them are because of poor Stephen Baldwin's attempts to have a career. (Seriously, Stephen, how much does it hurt your ego to know you're cast in a role only because you're the only Baldwin they can get, and they just want your last name?) The plot of Earthstorm is delightfully bad science, and involves the moon cracking apart after an asteroid hits it, and the United States determined to fix it, because gosh darn it, that's what the United States is supposed to do!

It turns out that our only hope is in the skills of a demolitions expert who knows how to bring down a building without scratching the surrounding area. Enter Mr. Baldwin and his team of a cute young girl who considers him a father figure, and a smart young man who seems to just be there as character ballast. Mr. Baldwin's character is obsessed with his work after losing his wife, so he's all tough and hiding his emotions, see. That's acting! Of course he presents the same expressions while talking about his late wife as he does when he's recruited to work for the government to save the world, and when he's informed he's being launched in a space shuttle in less than an hour.

But I digress. The speed with which the government moves makes sure you know that this is fiction, especially when they pull together a shuttle launch to the moon to include an untrained, not fit for space travel, guy to tag along. I know this is a disaster/world is gonna end movie, but everything about it is just so ludicrous I couldn't help but laugh all the way through. Watching the shuttle navigate through a storm of moon rock debris is just a riot, while at the same time pretty darn cool. Watching Mr. Baldwin tend to an injured astronaut on the flight, cobble together a replacement device to deliver the proper detonating force when they realize they brought the wrong thing (d'oh!) on the trip, and manage to be a reassuring presence to his cute young lady demolitions crew member almost simultaneously brings 'ludicrous' to a whole new level for me. It's so bad, it's awesome!

The ending is very trite 'edge of your seat' showmanship with little actual drama or tension. The very end is so cutesy as to be a replacement for syrup of Ipecac if one needs to induce vomiting. Overall I would watch this movie again, and if I found it cheap enough may even buy a copy. It's really that over-the-top cornball bad! And Stephen Baldwin, you may not be a cheesy actor by choice, but obviously the powers that be decided that this is meant to be your fate. I'm glad to see with your continued choices of roles that you have embraced this truth as much as I have. Cheese on, least favorite of all the Baldwins. Cheese on.