30,000 Leagues Under The Sea: 10,000 Leagues Less Quality Than It's Inspiration

Dead weight of a plot sinks this unseaworthy tale.

I was bored and decided, what the heck, I'll watch an obvious quest for accidental viewings that is 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea. It has Lorenzo Lamas, so I figured it could be good for a few laughs. And it should have been.

This was frustrating, because it could have been very entertaining. They went with some slick CGI on the submarines and the nifty mechanical squid beasties at Captain Nemo's command. There were even a few mildly entertaining exchanges of dialogue. There was a little bit of action. There was a little bit of intrigue. But there wasn't enough of anything to keep it afloat, even for the less than 90 minutes of screen time they invested in it.

The main thing it was missing was Captain Nemo. We have to wait until at least halfway into it before we meet him, and then he's there just to deliver a few hyperbolic "I'm going to show the surface world the evils of it's ways by launching nuclear missiles at it!" lines. He's supposed to be mad! Where's the crazy? Where's the feral looks as he realizes his plans are being foiled by land lubbers? Where's anything that would have made him more interesting?

Sad thing is his character had a lot of promise, but they kept his screen time so minimal there was no chance to let the psychotic inside of him shine, like it should have. Instead we have to follow around Lorenzo Lamas and his crew, which includes his ex-wife, and none of them are interesting enough to make me care if they survive or drown. Again, they could have been, but they don't focus on any of them long enough to draw you into their world. The banter between Lamas' character and his ex-wife is bearable, but lacks the spark to provide any believable tension.

The basic plot is a submarine gets attacked by a squid beastie, and is stuck at the bottom of the ocean. Lamas and his crew are sent in with their nifty technology that creates a giant oxygen bubble underwater, with the intent to use it to save the crew of the submarine. Captain Nemo has designs on both the nuclear warheads on the sub, and the oxygen bubble technology. He wants the bubble to restore the lost city of Atlantis, which he has discovered. Things just get a little waffley after that, and I just nursed my glass of wine and waited for the inevitable predictable ending.

This is a movie that actually would have benefited from having more screen time, as long as it was used to develop the characters properly, flesh out the plot so things made sense, and given much more Captain Nemo. I was surprised it wasn't a made-for-tv movie, since it had that feel all over it. If it had been a mini-series, I think it actually would have turned into something great, instead of this rushed-through, by-the-numbers (minus one) formula.

Poor Lorenzo Lamas. You're not as great as a David Hasselhoff, but you definitely don't deserve being stuck in a "Stephen Baldwin is the only Baldwin we could get" role like this one. Personally I can't wait to see the upcoming Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! It has a mega shark, a giant octopus, you, Mr. Lamas, and Deborah Gibson. If that kind of setup doesn't provide a ton of laughs, my faith in this world will simply be shattered.