MegaFault: Lots of blame to pass around, but I wouldn't say 'mega' amounts...

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Okay, after being absent in my oh-so-valuable reviews of all that is cheesy in the world of B-movies, I'm finally back to a level of free time which allows me to indulge in this irresistible fixation of mine. The first movie I chose to review sadly has no deep meaning for me, no grandiose karmic communication I felt had to be imparted to an unsuspecting world. Nope. It just happens to be what was in my DVR for me this weekend.

So here goes a review of MegaFault, another venture from Asylum Home Entertaiment which has a lot of potential which was allowed to all shake to the bottom while the CGI team tried to make the graphics more believable. There was a lot to work with this time in the way of the cast, including Eriq La Salle, of ER fame (as well as one of my favorite 80's movies, Coming To America), Bruce Davison (X-men and a schnike-load of other work), Brittany Murphy (whose "girly" movies I've never liked, but could appreciate her fortitude in working opposite of Ashton Kutcher), and Paul Logan (who others may say isn't a plus, but whom I loved in Komodo Vs Cobra). To the credit of the cast they all played their parts very well. Maybe too well for a movie of this limited caliber. There wasn't any sense of fun at any point from any of the cast, except an occasional smart-ass line delivered by the background actors. I know this is a disaster movie, but it's a very far-fetched disaster movie, and one put out by Asylum Home Entertainment. C'mon folks, I know it's not as fun of a premise as Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, but roll with the punches and revel in the cheese factor!

I think the seriousness that "end of the world" movies incite is what turns me off of them. There seems to be a fear of making fun of anything, no matter how ludicrous the storyline gets. We have a man who specializes in blowing up mountains, named Boomer, and when he takes out a mountain, it causes a giant crack across North America, pretty much dividing the United States in two as it tears through the earth. The military enlist cute little Dr. Amy Lane who has no problem leaving her daughter and husband behind to go investigate the earthquakes, and then get called upon to calculate where the military should fire this secret weapon they have in space that can (wait for it....) start earthquakes! Back to the old "cure amnesia" theory of halting a crisis, whereby you simply have to start another earthquake in the right spot and the world will remember it's real name is Alice, and she has a dog named... I mean, you'll stop the first earthquake.

Not to be outdone, the cure then weakens the mantle. Naturally we then get a mega volcano that has to be stopped by blowing up a whole bunch of stuff, 'cause, well, they were running out of reasons why Boomer needed to keep hanging around.

There's not much of substance along the way, but you do end up liking Amy Lane and Boomer, because they're played by actors who know how to create empathy. Again, it's just misplaced for a little movie like this. They're acting like they're going for an Oscar instead of just trying to keep their careers in forward momentum.

The special effects here are typical Asylum. Not horrible, not great, but still just bad enough to elicit a giggle. I think that's why I keep watching Asylum's movies, because at least half of them I can get through as a result of that cheese factor. The other half (such as The Terminators) are so bad I can't get past the first thirty minutes, despite my stubborn, masochistic nature.

If you're a fan of disaster flicks, you will probably enjoy Megafault. If you're a fan of cheesy movies, you'll be left wanting (and feeling a little sorry for Brittany Murphy and Eric La Salle).

District 9: Nobody threw a pie.

Cheesiness & giggle factor are not welcome here.
I pay to see a movie on the big screen with the expectation I will be entertained, amused, and pandered to. I got what I wanted last weekend when I thoroughly enjoyed the hunk of cheddar that is G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. However, I do not enjoy shelling out hard earned cash for the privilege of having the message hammered constantly into me that as a human being I am selfish, cruel and capable of horrible atrocities against those under my power. I don't need reminders like that when I have 24 hour news at my disposal. I go to a movie so I can escape reality.

Don't misunderstand me. District 9 is a very well written, acted, produced, directed, CGI--ed, you-name-the-award-this-will-win-it movie. However, it is missing a key element in drama that Shakespeare understood so well: there must be a chance for the audience to take a breath so your story can be absorbed. That is done by well-timed, apropos additions of humor. Shakespeare understood pacing of this sort in his dramas. Why do so many current writers leave this out? It can be a tongue-in-cheek line. It can be a subtle visual gag. It can even be a split second of slapstick. Whatever fits. But you need it, or else you have a war-weary crowd that is just hanging in until the bitter end, and one that missed a lot of key messages you wanted to deliver in the last three quarters of your film because they were exhausted.

There is so much about this movie that is great, including the acting by the main character, Wikus Van De Merwe, played by Sharlto Copley. He produced and played a sniper in the six minute short (Alive In Joburg District 9 is based on. His role is a character study of a good man thrust into committing unconscionable acts towards his own race in hopes of saving his humanity. The "mock-umentary" style of much of the film paints a picture of a man loved by friends and family, but seen as only a commodity by his government. The aliens derisively called "prawns" are portrayed as creatures far from home, and subjugated by the "goodwill" of the humans who decided to cut into their ship and "save" them. The obvious parallels to racial issues adds to the intensity, and makes you squirm more than a little. The main alien, Christopher Johnson, and his intelligent young son were good characters to focus on. The hostility and desperation of Christopher is countered very well by the innocence of his offspring. The interaction between Christopher and Wikus is believable, and helps drag you through the relentless "this is serious, pay attention to the message" onslaught.

Despite a ton of gunfights, District 9 seemed slow to me. Even when we finally see some awesome alien technology in action, we had to wait so long for it that it's nearly anti-climactic. Because this is really just a very intense character study, it was easy to get bogged down by the details. Without any humor whatsoever to break up the pace, I had to fight to keep paying attention. Towards the end I even got bored by the gunfights. My husband felt pummeled by this movie, too, and shares his review here.

District 9 was obviously a work of love and devotion, and it is a very well-done movie. It is just not a movie for The Queen Of Cheese. I need a little humor. I need a movie that doesn't take everything so seriously. I need a movie that is willing to let me enjoy alien gadgets, gizmos, spaceships, robots, and other assorted fancy things. Basically, I need a movie willing to pander to me and my need for cheese and giggle factor. District 9, while very good for the kind of film it is, left me wishing someone would throw a pie, already.

Meteor: Sean Connery battles Karl Malden, The Russians, Politics, & A Five Mile Wide Rock

Cheesy effects and great actors. What a combo!

Sweet, mad as a hatter Sean Connery is the only reason I sat down to watch the classic train wreck that is Meteor. Already old enough to feel he needed to wear a toupee, but still exuding that Connery charisma, he holds his own against other stellar actors who got suckered into this thing.

Meteor was plagued by all sorts of problems, mostly due to the folks behind it having grandiose dreams of a blockbuster, but not enough resources or people skills to pull it all together. Sadly for them, this was a flop back in 1979, but for the Queen Of Cheese sitting down to watch it finally in 2009, I loved it.

Meteor has all the elements that make a great B-movie disaster/science fiction flick. We have astronauts all the way out in a spaceship near Jupiter and Saturn. We get to see them converse with space command back on Earth, with absolutely no delay. Spiffy technology since there's at least a few seconds delay just between Earth's orbit and the ground! The acting aboard the space craft as a deadly meteor heads their way is awesome, too, especially with the cheesy lighting effects to simulate combustion. We get more questionable science as a comet zips through an asteroid belt and drags some big rocks with it, and one at least five miles wide ends up on a direct course with Earth, along with some baby meteors just big enough to cause lots and lots of damage, including destroying a ski resort, causing a tidal wave, and other general mayhem.

Even more ludicrous is the science behind how the meteor is going to be stopped. The U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. both have secret, illegal space weapons with nuclear missiles, originally pointed at each other. The plan is to cut through some political b.s., provide some political posturing, but ultimately aim those missiles at the meteor instead, coordinate a launch that will divert the giant mass away from the planet, yet not just break it up into smaller, just as deadly pieces that will hit us anyway.

Really, it's not the bad science or laughable attempts at a political or military drama that will keep you watching this thing. It's the heavy, ominous music that sounds every time the meteor is seen rolling slowly, inexorably on it's path of doom. It's the long, drawn out sequences as the missiles are readied for launch, again with overbearing, giggle inducing music throbbing away, making sure we know this is a serious moment we should all take pride in as citizens of the Earth. Or something.

The acting of the main cast is definitely more than this film deserved. Sean Connery is the bitter scientist sucked back in to save the day. Karl Malden is his friend and liaison who does his best to stand between him and the paranoid military man played by Martin Landau. Brian Keith plays a very convincing native Russian scientist, delivering his lines in an accent that makes you forget all about that diabetes-inducing show, Family Affair. Natalie Wood is beautiful and smart as his English translator, and Sean Connery's tepid love interest. Henry Fonda takes a brief turn at being President of the United States, naturally being more noble of character than any real politician would be under those circumstances. The tons of secondary characters are all top notch, adding alternate touches of humor and melodrama. Even some of the silent, just in the background characters are a riot, including a duo of ladies in a caved-in subway scene who are doing their nails with looks of ultimate boredom as they await rescue.

There have been lots of disaster movies before Meteor and tons after, and arguably Meteor is not well done. However, there's a certain charm to it with it's over the top music, above average acting, and laughable premise of how the world would be saved from a crisis like this, not to mention the overtly phallic symbolism in all those nuclear rockets (which the movie lingers on for several minutes longer than necessary to simply say it's 'dramatic'). It's got the 70's hair, the 70's wardrobe, the 70's attitude about politics, the military, and science, and an awkward, unrequited romance between a young Russian translator and an 'old enough to be her grandfather' American scientist. It all adds up for a popcorn-munching couple of hours. In the end, if the looming meteor rolling towards you doesn't make you giggle a bit, you're not watching this for any of the right reasons!

Shark Attack In The Mediterranean: Great German Cheese!

Cool shark graphics, horrible English dubs, and cheesy fun!

There's just something about a shark attack movie I can't resist. When it's a German made flick with horrible English dubs, that just melts the cheese into a bubbly fondue.

In this case we have Shark Attack In The Mediterranean. A man, Sven Hanson, is trying to keep his life together after losing his wife in what we're told is a horrific shark attack. His teenage daughter is into jet skies and stealing people's boyfriends (even though she does it so sweetly, and the current girlfriend is such a snot you can hardly blame the guy), and rolling her eyes at her father. His best friend is head of the local police force, with a wife wasting away from cancer. Our hero flies a helicopter, and his latest passenger happens to be an attractive marine biologist, Julia Bennett, arriving on the island to help with cancer studies involving lots and lots of sharks. We now have our basic setup of conflict.

Right off the bat we get a young girl (horribly dubbed with a voice too young to fit the actress) setting the stage by telling a tale of tragic love that ends at the bottom of the ocean. The girl is with her family, all tourists in this Mediterranean paradise who wanted to cage dive with sharks. Well, the sharks aren't biting, so the captain of the boat decides to drag the cage, with the tourists still inside, along the bottom to a more dangerous spot where sharks are guaranteed. The cage gets caught on the bottom, the rope breaks, one of the tourists cuts their hand, and they're suddenly surrounded by an awesome display of fluid shark graphics. Even knowing it's got to be fake, it really looks cool, and eerily realistic, including sharks biting at the cage trying to catch a nibble of fingers and other parts.

So our pilot and his passenger come along in the nick of time to save the day. It gives us a chance to see that they have a lot in common, and to make it clear they're going to be love interests. We also get a chance to see our hero be an over-protective father when he sees that his daughter is part of the crew of the ship in such dire straits. Arguments ensue, we get some melodrama over the father wanting to move back to Germany and the daughter not wanting to go, and the police friend stepping in with his sick wife to talk about living every moment instead of living in the past. Good stuff, and probably very well acted, despite what the voice actors would have you believe.

But the meat of the story is about a megalodon. It's entirely unbelievable how a renegade scientist came into possession of a megalodon, although believable that it then escaped. However, the ensuing graphics are so very cool I can forgive all of this movie's plot holes. You really need to watch the movie so you can hear first hand all of the flawed science, but more to see the CGI of the megalodon as it cruises the Mediterranean. There's a scene where the hero is basically fishing for it with his helicopter, and the megalodon grabs a hold of the lure. We get several minutes of slick, believable underwater scenes of the shark rolling and thrashing, putting the folks at Discovery Channel to shame.

There's also plenty of humor throughout Shark Attack In The Mediterranean, provided both by the ludicrous storyline and by secondary characters that are riotously exaggerated. Humor is what's missing from a lot of B-movies lately, and this was like a breath of fresh air for me. Finally, another movie that doesn't take itself so seriously, and revels in the cheese!

Shark Attack In The Mediterranean isn't terribly original, but it's fun, and has the best shark CGI I have seen. Surprisingly there's no gore, which made me happier yet. A little blood, a flash of a body, but nothing horrendous trying to gross you out. Basically this is a well done B-movie about a prehistoric shark come to life, and was worth every second of screen time. If you love Shark Attack 3: Megalodon in all of it's cheesy glory, you're going to enjoy this movie for all the right reasons!

Alright, the trailer is in German, but it's the effects on the shark that make this movie so cool to watch!

The Spirit: Not quite Batman, not quite Sin City, but all cheese...

A lot of cheese, and a lot of fun!

I think I enjoyed The Spirit for all the wrong reasons. I have never read the comic books, so I didn't have to worry about being horrified at how they were translated to screen, which is a complaint I'm reading from hard core fans. What I got out of this movie, however, was a long giggle fest, and my full daily allowance of quality cheese.

Right off the bat you know this is going to be a little awkward. We get a long soliloquy from The Spirit, played by Gabriel Macht, as he leaps across rooftops. He's going on and on about how he loves the city and the city loves him, to the point where you wonder how long it's been since The Spirit has been with a real girl. It's so over the top, I started picturing another comic book hero, translated to small screen, The Tick, in his place, and didn't feel I was very far off in my comparison.

Then there's a long, drawn out fight scene between the bad guy, The Octopus, played by Samuel L. Jackson, and The Spirit. Silken Floss, The Octopus' accomplice, announces that they'll be there all night, so everyone may as well leave. The fight just keeps going, the banter gets ridiculous, and someone ends up with a toilet smashed over them. I think we may have a tone set here, folks, but it works for me!

The jist is Denny Colt was a good cop shot down in his prime, but miraculously rises from the grave to become The Spirit. He then hides his true identity, including from his former loves, the bad girl Sand Saref whom he loved from childhood until a terrible accident tore them apart (plus her lust for sparkly things), and the goody goody gum drops doctor he dated right before he died, Ellen Dolan. You know Ellen is the 'real' thing just because her name is normal. The Octopus has the same amazing healing abilities, but is going for true immortality, and doesn't care if he destroys the city in the process of obtaining a vase with the blood of Hercules to get it.

The storyline is interesting, and doesn't drag. This, however, is only because this is so over-the-top, comic-book-brought-to-life that you're giggling too much to get bored. Some of the monologues are just plain weird, but it all fits the feel of the film. The characters are mostly ridiculous, overblown stereotypes, but there is some depth when it's needed. Is Sand Saref a villain, or just a girl who likes her jewelry too much? The Spirit has become a notorious womanizer, who loves cats and his city, but does he ultimately love Ellen Dolan? And does Ellen Dolan really not recognize her dead boyfriend as she tends to The Spirit's wounds?

Then there's characters like Silken Floss, played to the hilt by Scarlett Johansson. She's beautiful, brilliant, and just having fun being the right hand of the bad guy. Plus her line of "I have a lucrative business, and I'm great eye candy!" really sums up the movie. The film is glossy, very reminiscent of Sin City, but be careful you don't look too close. There's not a lot of substance holding this up, and it will shatter under any scrutiny or criticism.

Over the top characters, slick backdrops, funky black and white with red thrown in details, and lots of cheesy dialogue add up to a good movie for The Queen Of Cheese. It's not great, and not worth running out to own a copy unless it's on a super sale, but it is definitely worth sitting down with a big bowl of popcorn and no distractions so you can catch all the cheesy goodness!