District 9: Nobody threw a pie.

Cheesiness & giggle factor are not welcome here.
I pay to see a movie on the big screen with the expectation I will be entertained, amused, and pandered to. I got what I wanted last weekend when I thoroughly enjoyed the hunk of cheddar that is G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. However, I do not enjoy shelling out hard earned cash for the privilege of having the message hammered constantly into me that as a human being I am selfish, cruel and capable of horrible atrocities against those under my power. I don't need reminders like that when I have 24 hour news at my disposal. I go to a movie so I can escape reality.

Don't misunderstand me. District 9 is a very well written, acted, produced, directed, CGI--ed, you-name-the-award-this-will-win-it movie. However, it is missing a key element in drama that Shakespeare understood so well: there must be a chance for the audience to take a breath so your story can be absorbed. That is done by well-timed, apropos additions of humor. Shakespeare understood pacing of this sort in his dramas. Why do so many current writers leave this out? It can be a tongue-in-cheek line. It can be a subtle visual gag. It can even be a split second of slapstick. Whatever fits. But you need it, or else you have a war-weary crowd that is just hanging in until the bitter end, and one that missed a lot of key messages you wanted to deliver in the last three quarters of your film because they were exhausted.

There is so much about this movie that is great, including the acting by the main character, Wikus Van De Merwe, played by Sharlto Copley. He produced and played a sniper in the six minute short (Alive In Joburg District 9 is based on. His role is a character study of a good man thrust into committing unconscionable acts towards his own race in hopes of saving his humanity. The "mock-umentary" style of much of the film paints a picture of a man loved by friends and family, but seen as only a commodity by his government. The aliens derisively called "prawns" are portrayed as creatures far from home, and subjugated by the "goodwill" of the humans who decided to cut into their ship and "save" them. The obvious parallels to racial issues adds to the intensity, and makes you squirm more than a little. The main alien, Christopher Johnson, and his intelligent young son were good characters to focus on. The hostility and desperation of Christopher is countered very well by the innocence of his offspring. The interaction between Christopher and Wikus is believable, and helps drag you through the relentless "this is serious, pay attention to the message" onslaught.

Despite a ton of gunfights, District 9 seemed slow to me. Even when we finally see some awesome alien technology in action, we had to wait so long for it that it's nearly anti-climactic. Because this is really just a very intense character study, it was easy to get bogged down by the details. Without any humor whatsoever to break up the pace, I had to fight to keep paying attention. Towards the end I even got bored by the gunfights. My husband felt pummeled by this movie, too, and shares his review here.

District 9 was obviously a work of love and devotion, and it is a very well-done movie. It is just not a movie for The Queen Of Cheese. I need a little humor. I need a movie that doesn't take everything so seriously. I need a movie that is willing to let me enjoy alien gadgets, gizmos, spaceships, robots, and other assorted fancy things. Basically, I need a movie willing to pander to me and my need for cheese and giggle factor. District 9, while very good for the kind of film it is, left me wishing someone would throw a pie, already.

Alien Siege: a.k.a. "Let's surrender to, then fight against, an invading alien force."

[caption id="attachment_1243" align="alignnone" width="240" caption="Not as cool as "V", and fortunately not as long..."][/caption]
Okay, Earth gets invaded by an alien race called Kulkus. The Kulkus demand eight million humans in exchange for not destroying the Earth. The reason? They need these eight million humans' blood to create an antidote to a virus killing everyone on the Kulkus home world. So these eight million humans aren't going to a happy place by any means, and instead are processed like cattle, treated like lab animals, liquefied, and their fluids sent through a wormhole back to Kulkus. The aliens overseeing the collection process are infected themselves, and have resigned themselves to never returning to their home world, because no living matter can travel through the wormhole. Unless of course they use this doomsday device that they are using to force Earth's compliance.

So it's not a happy story. It's even more depressing seeing governments do the math and decide that they need to pony up the eight million people and hope that the aliens keep their word. It's even more depressing to see the governments do even more math to determine how many people must be surrendered by each country. I don't like having to think about what my government would do in a situation like this, especially when I know in my heart they would probably reach these same conclusions. So Alien Siege loses points with me for making me think instead of just pandering to my need for mindless entertainment.

Then of course we have the resistance in the United States with well meaning people fighting to free those chosen by the lottery system, despite the fact that just means someone else is going to be picked in their place whom they might not be able to save. It seems like a futile circle, except, back to that thinking thing again, I believe as human beings we would do it.

While there are some high thought process ideas in Alien Siege, there are also a lot of plot holes and inconsistencies which keep it from being a great alien invasion movie. Little things like the daughter of the main character being held because her blood contains an anomaly which makes her as valuable as thousands of humans, yet her father is released, even kicked out of the processing center, when he goes to see her. He's scanned, it flashes on the screen that he shouldn't be released because of the anomaly, yet they shove him out the door. There's other stupid details that stuck out for me, like the father having to take his jacket off for the scan, getting kicked out of that office without anything being returned to him, and then having his jacket back on in the very next scene.

There's character inconsistencies, too. One of the main aliens overseeing the collection process has issues with the morality of his assignment, especially when the "anomalies" mean they could stop collecting more humans, yet they continue to do so. Yet he does nothing to stop it. They set up his character to be a force of change, and then... nothing but disappointment, and a feeling of wasted promise. There's also one of the resistance fighters who leads the father right to her commander without more than a blindfold, and a warning that if he moves, she'll hit him. For a bad ass resistance group, that's just lame. She at least turns into a sympathetic, engaging character, but we go back and forth on character motivations the rest of the film, and you just can't keep up, or keep caring.

Brad Johnson (the poor man's Tom Berenger) plays the father, and he is likable enough. Carl Weathers is horribly underused as a member of the United States military charged with making sure the populace complies with the lottery. His character should have been focused on more, because his is one of true inner turmoil, yet we just get a glimpse here and there. Otherwise the cast seems to be mostly culled from General Hospital, so maybe the writers were, too, and that's why the story feels so scattered.

For one viewing, Alien Siege is worth it. But it's definitely not cheesy enough for me, and made me crave a marathon of V: The Series.

Alien Vs Hunter: 80 minutes longer than it should have been...

a.k.a. This Movie Vs Anything Watchable

I truly am a masochist. I should have turned this thing off after the first five minutes. However, I kept hoping beyond hope that maybe there'd be some great one-liners among the listless dialogue, funny moments mixed in with the cloddish violence, or something original scrambling to the surface of the bubbling crock of crap blatantly ripped off from the Alien Vs. Predator franchise. I was wrong.

I also kept watching for the train wreck factor of William "I was The Greatest American Hero" Katt trying to keep his career alive. His IMDB page is full of listings, but not of anything I've heard of, or care to. Then there was DeeDee Pfeiffer, who annoyed me so much in another atrocity, Journey To The Center Of The Earth. At least she wasn't wearing glasses in this one, but she still ended up all fidgety towards the end, making me wonder if she's trying to be cute and perky, or if she has a medical condition that needs to be addressed.

There's a lot of other characters in this, and some were mercifully picked off quickly by the alien that morphs into half spider. Others had to endure almost to the end, and one can only hope that their first stop on the way home from the set was to meet with their agent so they could fire them.

The whole movie is so unoriginal that watching it made my eyes glaze over at a few points. Of course that could also have been the weird orange filter they filmed everything with. Were they trying to give it a desert look? A toxic look? Or were they hoping washing out all the color would make your eyes lose focus and not notice how bad the movie really is?

It starts off with a reporter jogging down a road only to be picked up by the local sheriff off on a domestic disturbance call. While they're chit chatting they see something fall from the sky and crash conveniently where they're headed. The characters immediately come across an alien that decides it needs to kill everything that moves. The reporter survives and ends up dragging a whiny young girl looking for her mother back to his place. She snoops in his bathroom and realizes he's a failed writer and starts yelling at him about possibly wanting to write a story about her tragedy. Then they go into town where more people yell at him, and then decide they need to work together, and then decide that they need to head to a local hunter, and then bicker pointlessly some more, and basically make me want them to all die, and die now.

There's two aliens running around now, but they hint that maybe there's more than one of the spider aliens, and that the other non-spider alien is protecting the humans, but ultimately it doesn't matter because everyone is a target anyway, and if you get in the way of the other alien you're going to be toast. The characters end up in tunnels, then split up, then more characters arrive to go on a quasi-paramilitary operation, and somehow the reporter and another character discover they like each other, and I just want the pain to stop, so I pour myself a tall glass of wine.

At the end the 'good' alien wins, I guess, and then returns to its ship to take off it's helmet and reveal-dun dun dun dun!-he's not so alien after all, and really was just out hunting, and is planning a new hunt. Dear god, that means there's going to be a sequel, and it'll probably have DeeDee Pfeiffer and William Katt reprise their roles, and DeeDee might end up so fidgety at the end of that one she'll just be a blur on camera.

Unless you're a masochist like me, don't bother with this 84 minute piece of cinematic insult to all that should be cheesy and fun. Watch Alien Vs Predator instead, which is a masterpiece in comparison, or even better, skip the aliens premise and go for Boa Vs Python or Komodo Vs Cobra.

Showdown At Area 51: Not even remotely a spaghetti western...

Where else will you see Matt Houston make a cameo appearance?

I've sat through a couple of viewings of Showdown At Area 51 and it's very okay. It's not horrible, definitely not great, borderline good, but lacking that special something that would make it live in my heart forever.

Part of the problem is the blatant rip off of all the other 'dueling aliens come to our planet for a final showdown' movies. They try to add a twist by throwing in a device that will end the world, where the only thing that can deactivate it is housed in 'the real' area 51. This just confuses things at the same time as it adds at least something to keep the plot moving forward. Since this long, hard rod is the only thing that can stop the countdown, and the bad alien wants to make sure the countdown isn't stopped, and the bad alien also already knows where the device is instead of having to decipher markings on the long, hard rod like the good guys, why doesn't the bad alien just sit in a prime sniper spot and pick the good guys off as they come to turn the device off? Okay, that would completely defeat the purpose of this being a cheesy movie, but the plot was so weak on this one even I can't help but say, 'That's kind of stupid.'

Be that as it may there's at least a lot of action between the ugly, naturally evil, alien, and the good alien who looks remarkably humanoid, named Jude, played by Coby Bell. There's even a scene between the two characters where they stand in a face off ala classic spaghetti westerns, hands twitching at the holsters of their weapons, just waiting for the other to make the first move. You could almost hear that classic whistle from old Clint Eastwood westerns playing in the background. Sadly, they didn't go for the cheese and actually put that music in.

The other two main characters have the typical back story of being former lovers with a stormy past. They start off helping Jude, then second guess themselves that he might be the bad guy, especially when Lee Horsley makes his cameo as a junk yard owner/former scientist with some of the best lines in the movie. When asked if he has any guns, he replies 'I may be smart, but I'm still a redneck.' and proceeds to reveal a small armory in his house.

Jason London finally plays a different character than I've seen him do lately, this time a former military man who threw away his career for the love of a woman, and now rides a motorcycle and can actually throw a decent punch. For such a stereotypical role he's very charming and believable.

Unfortunately I can't say the same for Gigi Edgley's character. She's supposed to be a linguistics expert, which is fine and well, but I think she feels uncomfortable in a role where she's not painted blue. She couldn't seem to figure out how much 'oomph' to put into her performance now that she's not acting through the layer of her old Farscape costume. Acting through a mask or heavy makeup is a lot different that going 'au natural', and she didn't look comfortable. Her chemistry with Jason London is forced, and lets lines that should have been a riot (including numerous references to the rod, and having to put it in the right slot) fall flat.

In the realm of B-movies this is definitely a B-minus, losing points for missed opportunities at humor, not giving Lee Horsley more screen time, and not going over the top ridiculous on the plot to make up for it being so lame. I can't see myself owning a copy of the DVD, but someone else might feel more forgiving of the flaws to give it a home. Besides, it wasn't all bad. It didn't take itself anywhere near as seriously as the finally ending new Battlestar Galactica.

Alien Agent: Not exactly James Bond, but still entertaining...

This is about as much screen time as Billy Zane gets...

Oh, poor Billy Zane. First your official website is under construction, so I can't even properly link to you. Then you get 'top' billing in a ripoff of all the 'aliens want to take over our planet and are already hiding in plain sight among us' sort of movies, and get a total of fifteen minutes of screen time. You seem to be getting work, but it's nothing of the box office status like Titanic, or cheese factor of The Phantom. I must therefore place you in my 'You Poor Bastard' category. I'm sure your world will come crashing down around you now that the self-proclaimed Queen Of Cheese has made her declaration, but you must carry on, dear man.

Alas, my fondness for Billy Zane and his capacity to deliver quality cheese has made me digress from actually talking about Alien Agent, which for a completely unoriginal concept is still a lot of fun. Once again it's the characters that draw me in and keep me engaged when I would otherwise leave the room without hitting pause while I refill my coffee cup.

An alien world is dying and needs a new world to sustain itself. The good aliens don't want to destroy sentient life in order to survive, but the bad aliens don't give a rip. In fairness, these bad aliens have been living amongst us for awhile, secretly building a little wormhole/stargate/portal device. After even a small amount of exposure to the 'parade of humanity' I think any alien race would not consider us sentient, let alone worth saving. Especially if they check out all the cheesy movies some of us have on our DVRs...

But again I digress. The good aliens send one agent, named Rykker, to come and save us from the whole gang of bad aliens. This bad ass with a good heart is played by Mark Dacascos. He plays a wooden sort of character with brief moments of funny, especially when he deals with the teenager who tags along after the requisite personal tragedy leaves her all alone in the world. Julie is played by Emma Lahana, and is another former Power Ranger who has impressed me in a subsequent role. She pulls off overly-confident, independent young lady very believably, and provides the comic relief throughout. There's one scene when she rushes up to grab a discarded alien weapon to defend Rykker. She picks it up with a mannerism which clearly expresses 'Ew!! Gun!', and then segues beautifully into 'Oh, that's how it's supposed to go!' and starts firing. I could totally see my niece doing the exact same thing, and it's completely understandable, and authentic. I think this actress could get a lot of work if she has a good agent.

The leader of the bad aliens is named Isis, of all things, and is played by Amelia Cooke. She's pretty, tough, and delivers dark looks that could melt someone's brain if channeled properly. Despite the hackneyed script, her character is very interesting, especially when you realize there's a connection between her and Rykker.

The movie stays pretty much on track, although it's a short trip with a lot of sight seeing into gun fights, martial arts exchanges, and car chases. There's not a lot to work with, but the filler keeps me entertained, and the chemistry amongst the characters keeps me wondering who's going to survive, and who's going to end up with whom.

The ending confused me, though. I couldn't figure out if a character intentionally deceived another one, or if they really thought the device they hopped into would send them back home. I feel so forgiving of this movie because of the mild entertainment it provided, that the only complaint I really have is that it didn't give proper closure.

The only other bad thing about the ending is it's obviously hinting at a sequel, or even a series, which I think would be a mistake. This is the sort of movie that could venture into the melodramatic and take itself way too seriously very easily. Last thing we need is another sci fi series like that when we're finally getting rid of the snobbish version of Battlestar Galactica...