Blue Demon: The most terrifying floating plastic triangles you'll ever see!

Look out! It

Blue Demon is yet another entry into the "demonized shark" movie category. A secret lab funded by the government is researching ways to control sharks to do their bidding. The scientists believe they are doing work to benefit mankind, but unbeknownst to them the government has other plans. Plus, there's someone hijacking their project with deadly results. dun, dun, dun, dun!

That's about as serious as the movie gets, and I was so very happy to sit and waste an hour and a half of my time on it. It has a lot of goofy extras to it to provide much needed humor, and doesn't go for the gore factor. This is a funny, good time movie with a decent cast to back it up.

I've made it clear that I think Dedee Pfeiffer is very difficult to tolerate onscreen for more than a few minutes at a time. She's twitchy. She's fidgety. I think they keep messing with her dosage. But in the very cheesy, gloriously ludicrous Blue Demon, she fits wonderfully! Her cutesy act isn't nauseating. Her overly-caffeinated persona makes sense as a quirky scientist who's just a bit too smart to speak with us 'regular people', let alone have more than basic social skills. Plus, she's balanced out very nicely by her co-star, Randall Batinkoff, who plays her long suffering, potentially ex-husband. He's the anchor that lets your eyes focus while she vibrates and hums herself practically into another dimension.

The rest of the cast all fit this odd little movie just perfectly. We have Josh Hammond playing a weird little lab assistant named Avery that you keep expecting to start talking about surfing, but plays with the computers instead. There's also Danny Woodburn who plays the uptight, possibly corrupt, boss to our lab gurus, Lawrence Van Allen. He easily steals every scene he is in, and it's not because he can't help but stand out because he's so much shorter. He's got remarkable screen presence, and makes his character the most believable of the lot as he yanks food out of their hands because they're not paying attention to him, and alternates between making the lab gurus lives hell, and needing an antacid to deal with them.

Then there's our big, bad, evil military character, played by Jeff Fahey. He plays a character named, of all things, General Remora. Right there you know for a fact this movie is not taking itself seriously, which is why I love it so morbidly. Jeff Fahey plays it to the hilt, clenching cigars, spitting out orders, seething with righteous indignation when he's questioned. He's out to create a military weapon, gosh darn it, not out for a day at the beach!

But the cast is just the icing on the cake of Blue Demon. The "short bus" special effects are a riot, and almost painfully bad. I swear to god the shark fins in the water scenes are just waterproof cardboard cutouts painted black and on the slowest motor they could find. When people are frantically trying to get out of their way, I checked my watch several times just to make sure I hadn't fallen into some kind of slow moving time warp. In all of those scenes I could have gotten up and microwaved another bag of popcorn and not missed a thing.

The little bit of CGI they went for is actually pretty good. They give the sharks expressions, and have them zip back and forth (not unlike the frenetic pace of Ms. Pfeiffer). Yes, it's so obviously blue screen out of the water it's laughable, but it just adds to the cheese factor, so I forgive.

If you're tired of shark movies that flash way too much chomped flesh at you, Blue Demon will be a pleasant respite. If you're also tired of movies taking themselves too seriously, especially when they should know better, this will be a breath of fresh air. And if you've been given a headache trying to keep up with Dedee in other movies, I think you'll be as shocked as I was at how tolerable, and even likable, she is in Blue Demon.

With Discovery Channel airing Shark Week, Blue Demon should be on your watch list to help get over all that darn reality and education they insist on adding to their quest for ratings. It also has the added bonus of plenty of giggle factor! This is a Queen Of Cheese "must see", or at least "must watch once, and wonder what the heck is wrong with that Queen Of Cheese to think this is watchable...". Enjoy!

"I" is for I, Robot

Might make you rethink getting that Roomba...

Continuing the Cheese Alphabet, we have I, Robot as the representative of the letter I. This blockbuster starring Will Smith might seem a little more sophisticated, and even philosophical, than my usual fare, but that doesn't mean it isn't loaded up with a good dose of cheese and giggle factor.

Will Smith has a lot to do with how much I enjoy this movie. He's charming, funny, and self-deprecating. I don't think another actor could have pulled off the subtleties this particular role required, including rescuing a cat from a house being demolished. This is a man who distrusts the mechanized beings that are taking care of us more and more, yet finds himself uneasily defending one of them when it becomes clear there's more to the story than a simple murder or suicide. Bridget Moynahan makes for a good contrast to his warmth by being a little too precise, a little too formal, and being the one in charge of giving the robots that 'personal' feel. She also stands up against Mr. Smith's testosterone levels without overt sexual chemistry. Part of me is disappointed there isn't an actual romance, but that would have disrupted the flow of the movie without enough payoff.

The character of Sonny is intriguing, and also well played. The facial expressions are slight, but convey much, especially when paired with the voice of Alan Tudyk. He is a robot that is sentient, yet despite knowing humans want to deactivate him, he's still sympathetic to their plight and wishes to help them. It's interesting to watch Sonny and Spooner (Smith) interact, and how their relationship changes. Sonny doesn't change, but is the catalyst for the other characters to evolve. A scene between Sonny and Susan (Moynahan) is quite moving as the robot asks her if his deactivation will be painful.

The story starts off with an apparent suicide, quickly transgresses to the arrest of Sonny as a murder suspect, and morphs into all sorts of political and technological intrigue. Are the robots really rising up against us? Robots are building robots, after all, so that can't be a good thing with so little oversight. The last straw for Spooner is when his dear grandmother wins a robot of her own and prepares one of her classic desserts with her. He's determined to uncover the conspiracy, and the action just picks up from there.

I never read any of Isaac Asimov's works, so for me this was just a good, solid sci fi movie about robots in the future. It's softer than a Terminator movie, but still issues a warning about placing our trust too much in technology, as well as in our need to humanize everything in order to relate to it. I enjoyed a lot of action, some good one liners, and solid acting. I'm sure I should have taken away a lot more from it than the entertainment value, but I don't. It's a lot of flash, and a lot of fun, and doesn't leave me feel beaten down.

If you have never watched this one, I highly recommend it for a little bit of guilty escapism. You know you're supposed to mull the implications of I, Robot over, but really, it's just a great futuristic cop movie. With robots. Lots and lots of robots.

"H" is for Hellboy

Big, red, lots of attitude, and loves kitties!

I have never read the Hellboy comics, but that didn't stop me from watching and loving Hellboy the movie. This is a movie that understands cheese doesn't mean a reduction in quality in either the storyline, the special effects, or the acting, but that it is an essential element in entertainment.

There was a lot of love put into the creation of this film, and it showed, especially in the costumes of the characters, and the CGI. Dead men talk, and have a lot of attitude about it. Giant slimy creatures with tons of tentacles lash about and alternately smoosh people, and toss them around like rag dolls. Monsters erupt from cute little eggs and look kind of like overgrown feral dogs. Liz Sherman generates blue flames with destructive capacity. Abe Sapien is convincingly aquatic. Hellboy is big, red, and kicks serious ass, even while he tends to lots and lots of kitty cats.

The love of felines aside, there's something about Hellboy that endears himself to us. He's really a big kid, complete with a crush on the cute girl, and a heartwarming devotion to his father figure. He wants to fit in so he keeps his horns trimmed back. He enjoys human vices like cigars and too much television. He wants people to see him, and accept him, and craves attention. Ron Perlman is the perfect actor in this role. He has the experience with acting through visage-altering costumes all the way back to Beauty And The Beast, and is still a rough and tumble 'man's man' that can make you forget he's in his late 50's, and not squirm with discomfort when he's romancing Selma Blair's character. Mr. Perlman delivers his lines with the perfect tongue-in-cheek humor, and makes a heavy sigh and an eye roll tell more than other actors could do with a Shakespearean soliloquy.

The character of Liz is also well played by Selma Blair. Her character is tragic, but she doesn't go for the melodrama and make you want to play the world's smallest violin for her. She's warm (no pun intended) and likable, and stands up well against the testosterone of Ron Perlman.

Abe Sapien is the other character that fascinates me. He's blue, bug-eyed, and needs a special apparatus to survive out of water. He loves to read, and enjoys pickled eggs. Part of his charm is the fact he's voiced by David Hyde Pierce who I've loved since his stint in Frasier. When you need a likable know-it-all, he's the man to call upon.

The storyline is very well-written and keeps me watching no matter how often I see this movie. Bringing Rasputin back to life is an unpleasant prospect in itself, but giving him the capacity to end the world is even more unnerving. With glimpses of Hellboy in his day-to-day life, culminating in a final battle against his true self, and a big slimy beastie, there's no point in Hellboy that drags or could be called boring. A scene where Hellboy is spying on Liz on a date with another character, only to have a young boy sit with him on the stakeout and talk smack about the other guy, is simply a riot. No other actor than Ron Perlman could pull that scene off without overdoing it.

This is a great action movie, and one I'm happy spawned a movie sequel. I look forward to a third installment, which I'm sure will be just as awesome as the first two, since the people behind this franchise understand how to balance cheese, action, a solid story, and lots of humor, all on the shoulders of good actors. Mr. Perlman, you're right up there as one of my favorite actors, and I hope to see you in many, many more films to come!

Anonymous Rex: If it were better done, it might not have gone extinct...

Forget going medieval. They

Based on the second in what sounds like a very interesting series of books by Eric Garcia, Anonymous Rex could have been the pilot for a very funny, original television series. If there had been a little more work on the script, and a little more love in the CGI on the dinos, we would've had something great. Instead it's a watchable, mostly entertaining detective flick which happens to feature dinosaurs as the main characters.

Sam Trammell (now in HBO's True Blood) plays the lead, Vincent Rubio, a velociraptor teamed up with a triceratops for a partner in a detective agency. The stereotypical lifestyle of a 'private dick' is played up to the hilt, giving the movie almost a noir-ish feel. Throw in the dinosaur angle and you get scenes of the characters not taking shots of a stiff alcohol, but getting buzzed off herbs like rosemary, sage, and thyme. Tarragon is so strong it's outlawed, which is naturally a major plot point.

The dinosaurs have evolved over the eons into smaller versions of their ancient forefathers. They're more advanced than humans (a.k.a. "apes") in many ways, including science and forensics. They've developed technology that allows them to blend in with humans unnoticed. Their numbers are few, but apparently they congregate in cities so they can sustain each other. That's about as much setup as they give us.

The film plays out like a a run of the mill detective story. Dame is in trouble, suckers in the older detective to help her for free. The investigation leads them into a deeper, darker mystery that could cost them their lives. Yada yada yada. For seasoning they throw in a dino cult called The Voice Of Progress which should have been much more interesting than it appeared on screen. This group thinks dinos should embrace their true natures and rise up against the humans. They never go into details how they would deal with the whole carnivore versus herbivore thing, but that was probably going to be saved for the series.

The figurehead of the cult is a beauty named Circe who also happens to be a velociraptor. When she and Vincent Rubio meet, we're supposed to believe the sparks fly. As the romance progresses we're treated to some visuals of flowers blooming that were supposed to be as sensual as a Georgia O'Keefe painting, but made me giggle instead. Sadly her character is used sparingly, to the point it seems she was only there to be eye candy.

The movie does itself a disservice by throwing in a ton of extra details that I'm sure would have panned out better if it had survived to be a series. Unfortunately since it didn't, they just add white noise. The ending is anti-climactic and disappointing, but again would have been fine if it had just survived into a series. Basically we're watching the pilot to a show that failed before it even started.

There is a lot of humor in Anonymous Rex, but it's not quite enough to save the whole affair. It's the cheap CGI that really ruins it. It has 'made for television' painted all over it, and is used so sparingly you can almost hear the accountant in the background yelling 'Hey! Hey! Hey! You've shown three seconds already! We're not made of money!'

This movie had so much potential to stand on its own that I am still fuming in frustration about it. The actors all played their parts really well, and had good chemistry with each other. The basic premise was very unique. There was a lot of humor throughout. The CGI, cheap as it was, at least got the point across. But because someone thought they had the go ahead to do a series, they gave us a ton of set up that goes nowhere.

I'm going to have to hunt down these books and give them a read in all of my spare time, because the Dinosaur Mafia sounds right up my alley. Too bad the movie wasn't crafted with as much love as the books. Now all I can do is shake my fist at the sky and ask 'Whyyyyyy?' in as good a show of histrionics as I can muster.

"C" is for Clash Of The Titans

The Kraken just wants a cookie!

Clash Of The Titans is my 'go to' movie when I need a lot of cheese with a lot of giggle factor and a lot of lovingly crafted stop motion special effects. With corny acting and dialogue, this movie earns it's place as the representative of the letter 'C' in my Cheese Alphabet!

Released in 1981 and starring Harry Hamlin as the heroic Perseus, Clash Of The Titans captured my interest and never let it go. I've easily lost track of how many times I've watched it, and I never get tired of the cheesy dialogue and special effects. I won't admit to how young I was when this came out, but I will admit that may be part of why I love this movie so much.

The plot is pretty much true to the legends and lore of the gods, including mortals being mere toys for their amusement. Zeus seduces young Danae as a shower of gold and leaves her pregnant with Perseus. Her father casts her and the child to the sea, and is promptly punished by the outraged Zeus. Perseus and his mother are guided to a quiet island where the son of a god grows up handsome and strong.

Naturally Thetis is a bit put out when her own spoiled son, Calibos, is punished for horrific transgressions against the creatures of the land, including the winged horses. In retribution against Zeus, she plucks Perseus from his island and deposits him in the middle of Jopa. This is the city her son would have ruled had he not been transformed into a hideous beast so that the beautiful young Andromeda then refuses to marry him (not that she's shallow). This is when the story really picks up, and we get quests, adventures, and fighting with giant scorpions and two headed dogs.

The acting is comical, and the romance ridiculous, but if it weren't the movie wouldn't be entertaining. You could have a drinking game where someone drinks every time a character repeats the last line someone else just said. I often joke that the movie would be half as long if they eliminated that element. Still, it's all part of this film's charm and giggle factor.

I think what draws me to watch Clash Of The Titans over and over is the attention to detail on the special effects. This stuff was done by hand, and with creative use of blue screens. Scenes of Poseidon underwater look really cool, even though I'm pretty sure he just stood with a fan blowing on him to make his hair wave against the current. The shots of the city of Argos being flooded are incredible. The work on Bobo the flying mechanical owl, the Gorgon, a giant vulture, and of course, The Kraken, while choppy by today's standards, are top notch in my opinion. It's a work of love when someone puts that much detail into a clay figure, including making sure you see the poor Kraken's belly button. By the way, the theory in our household is that the Kraken just wanted a cookie. Not that you needed to know that, but I still felt the need to share it. Now try to watch the movie without thinking about it...

I'm dreading the remake of this film scheduled for a 2010 release. I just know they're going to ruin the spirit of it. The original didn't need slick CGI to entertain. In fact, the 'old school' method makes it that much more awesome. Slick, perfect CGI will make it cold and just like every other slick CGI-laden feature being released. The eye candy gets more attention than the actual script and acting, and the film then suffers even more. If movie makers would just come up with their own ideas instead of 're-booting' classics, we'd live to see a true 'Golden Age' of cinema again.

Alas, I will have to cherish my DVD of Clash Of The Titans and hope I can protect it from those who would 'update it for today's audience.' To those who thought it a good idea to do so, I say 'Screw you and the winged CGI horse you flew in on'. The 1981 version will never be outdone!