District 9: Nobody threw a pie.

Cheesiness & giggle factor are not welcome here.
I pay to see a movie on the big screen with the expectation I will be entertained, amused, and pandered to. I got what I wanted last weekend when I thoroughly enjoyed the hunk of cheddar that is G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. However, I do not enjoy shelling out hard earned cash for the privilege of having the message hammered constantly into me that as a human being I am selfish, cruel and capable of horrible atrocities against those under my power. I don't need reminders like that when I have 24 hour news at my disposal. I go to a movie so I can escape reality.

Don't misunderstand me. District 9 is a very well written, acted, produced, directed, CGI--ed, you-name-the-award-this-will-win-it movie. However, it is missing a key element in drama that Shakespeare understood so well: there must be a chance for the audience to take a breath so your story can be absorbed. That is done by well-timed, apropos additions of humor. Shakespeare understood pacing of this sort in his dramas. Why do so many current writers leave this out? It can be a tongue-in-cheek line. It can be a subtle visual gag. It can even be a split second of slapstick. Whatever fits. But you need it, or else you have a war-weary crowd that is just hanging in until the bitter end, and one that missed a lot of key messages you wanted to deliver in the last three quarters of your film because they were exhausted.

There is so much about this movie that is great, including the acting by the main character, Wikus Van De Merwe, played by Sharlto Copley. He produced and played a sniper in the six minute short (Alive In Joburg District 9 is based on. His role is a character study of a good man thrust into committing unconscionable acts towards his own race in hopes of saving his humanity. The "mock-umentary" style of much of the film paints a picture of a man loved by friends and family, but seen as only a commodity by his government. The aliens derisively called "prawns" are portrayed as creatures far from home, and subjugated by the "goodwill" of the humans who decided to cut into their ship and "save" them. The obvious parallels to racial issues adds to the intensity, and makes you squirm more than a little. The main alien, Christopher Johnson, and his intelligent young son were good characters to focus on. The hostility and desperation of Christopher is countered very well by the innocence of his offspring. The interaction between Christopher and Wikus is believable, and helps drag you through the relentless "this is serious, pay attention to the message" onslaught.

Despite a ton of gunfights, District 9 seemed slow to me. Even when we finally see some awesome alien technology in action, we had to wait so long for it that it's nearly anti-climactic. Because this is really just a very intense character study, it was easy to get bogged down by the details. Without any humor whatsoever to break up the pace, I had to fight to keep paying attention. Towards the end I even got bored by the gunfights. My husband felt pummeled by this movie, too, and shares his review here.

District 9 was obviously a work of love and devotion, and it is a very well-done movie. It is just not a movie for The Queen Of Cheese. I need a little humor. I need a movie that doesn't take everything so seriously. I need a movie that is willing to let me enjoy alien gadgets, gizmos, spaceships, robots, and other assorted fancy things. Basically, I need a movie willing to pander to me and my need for cheese and giggle factor. District 9, while very good for the kind of film it is, left me wishing someone would throw a pie, already.

30,000 Leagues Under The Sea: 10,000 Leagues Less Quality Than It's Inspiration

Dead weight of a plot sinks this unseaworthy tale.

I was bored and decided, what the heck, I'll watch an obvious quest for accidental viewings that is 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea. It has Lorenzo Lamas, so I figured it could be good for a few laughs. And it should have been.

This was frustrating, because it could have been very entertaining. They went with some slick CGI on the submarines and the nifty mechanical squid beasties at Captain Nemo's command. There were even a few mildly entertaining exchanges of dialogue. There was a little bit of action. There was a little bit of intrigue. But there wasn't enough of anything to keep it afloat, even for the less than 90 minutes of screen time they invested in it.

The main thing it was missing was Captain Nemo. We have to wait until at least halfway into it before we meet him, and then he's there just to deliver a few hyperbolic "I'm going to show the surface world the evils of it's ways by launching nuclear missiles at it!" lines. He's supposed to be mad! Where's the crazy? Where's the feral looks as he realizes his plans are being foiled by land lubbers? Where's anything that would have made him more interesting?

Sad thing is his character had a lot of promise, but they kept his screen time so minimal there was no chance to let the psychotic inside of him shine, like it should have. Instead we have to follow around Lorenzo Lamas and his crew, which includes his ex-wife, and none of them are interesting enough to make me care if they survive or drown. Again, they could have been, but they don't focus on any of them long enough to draw you into their world. The banter between Lamas' character and his ex-wife is bearable, but lacks the spark to provide any believable tension.

The basic plot is a submarine gets attacked by a squid beastie, and is stuck at the bottom of the ocean. Lamas and his crew are sent in with their nifty technology that creates a giant oxygen bubble underwater, with the intent to use it to save the crew of the submarine. Captain Nemo has designs on both the nuclear warheads on the sub, and the oxygen bubble technology. He wants the bubble to restore the lost city of Atlantis, which he has discovered. Things just get a little waffley after that, and I just nursed my glass of wine and waited for the inevitable predictable ending.

This is a movie that actually would have benefited from having more screen time, as long as it was used to develop the characters properly, flesh out the plot so things made sense, and given much more Captain Nemo. I was surprised it wasn't a made-for-tv movie, since it had that feel all over it. If it had been a mini-series, I think it actually would have turned into something great, instead of this rushed-through, by-the-numbers (minus one) formula.

Poor Lorenzo Lamas. You're not as great as a David Hasselhoff, but you definitely don't deserve being stuck in a "Stephen Baldwin is the only Baldwin we could get" role like this one. Personally I can't wait to see the upcoming Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! It has a mega shark, a giant octopus, you, Mr. Lamas, and Deborah Gibson. If that kind of setup doesn't provide a ton of laughs, my faith in this world will simply be shattered.

Knights Of Bloodsteel: a.k.a. "Dragons Of Blackroc" a.k.a. "Passable mish mosh of a bunch of other sword & sorcery flicks"

When you don

Well, Knights Of Bloodsteel was a heck of a lot better than the last mini series I watched (Merlin's Apprentice). It's not that original, but at least all the parts it steals from classic tales we've all seen a million times are recombined into something that feels different. We have elves, goblins, humans, and an evil malformed being intent on retrieving a precious crucible which is the source of all power in the land. We have four mismatched 'ordinary folk' pulled together and knighted to quest for this crucible, since it must not fall into the hands of the evil Dragon Eye.

We have an elven granddaughter following in the wise footsteps of her great wizard grandfather, training to become a mighty sorcerer for Mirabalis. Supposedly she's also a bounty hunter, but we never see her collect an actual bounty. We have a human on a personal quest for revenge, killing off all the evil members of The Brood who slaughtered his family. He calls himself an assassin, and has a very interesting 'come and go' (mostly 'go') Irish accent. We have a human conman who sells devices that would be Viagra today. And we have a goblin who turns out to be cursed and empowered with the ability to be a vessel to the souls of the recently departed, gaining their powers and knowledge at the cost of his own will.

The story itself is just backdrop, an excuse to watch sword fights, people with elf ears, and CGIed dragons. There are lot of holes that just never get filled in by the end of it, such as Dragon Eye's obsession to revive his very human son, who was cursed to slumber forever while his father wasted away to nothingness. At the end, we don't get to see what happens to this child, or at least, I didn't notice because all the other ends were lofting about in the wind, obviously seeking the grounding force of a potential sequel, but just being distracting and mildly disappointing after so much invested time.

There's definitely nothing wrong with the cast. We get Christopher Lloyd playing the wise elven sorcerer Tesselink. He pulls off the long hair better than you'd think, and only now am I thinking of the obvious comparison of his character to Gandalf when he wore that whole white ensemble. We don't get enough of Mr. Lloyd, but while he's there things are definitely on solid footing. David James Elliott plays John Serragoth, the human assassin, and while his accent is laughable, he's a charming presence otherwise. Natassia Malthe plays the elven sorcerer Perfidia, and while her character isn't consistent throughout, I don't really care because she kicks just as much butt as she always does, and manages to keep her slight English accent from succumbing to a vanishing spell. Mark Gibbon plays the evil Dragon Eye, wearing tons of makeup that probably sent him to his chiropractor after each day's filming. If that's his voice coming out of that makeup too, damn! It's definitely a fitting tone for such an ugly, scary guy. The rest of the characters are all very well played, even though some are there just as ballast.

The special effects are very cool in this movie. The whole story hinges on a metal called Blood Steel which is supposed to fuel magic and machine alike. There are some nifty compasses, viewing devices, spy devices, and assassination gadgets, including an assassin's claw that can control the poor human it's installed on. The CGI on the dragons we get a few glimpses of are worth the wait, and remind you that you're watching a fantasy film.

Sadly, there's a lot missing from Knights Of Bloodsteel that would make me excited to hear of a sequel, or a television series. Hopefully when they put out a DVD version it will be some ridiculously extended version that adds another two or three hours so all the gaps can be filled in, and the story fleshed out properly. This is another movie that is so close to greatness that it's frustrating. I'm going to go have another glass of wine to take away the sting of 'what should have been'.

Lost City Raiders: Ripping off Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider all at once!

I'm so forgiving of movies that blatantly try to be a bunch of different movies all at once, yet still try to be 'original', as long as they keep a sense of humor about the whole thing.  My biggest complaint about a lot of B-grade and less movies is that they're taking themselves too seriously. For crying out loud, revel in the cheese!  It's a glorious thing!

Lost City Raiders so narrowly misses the mark of being a keeper that I want to shake my fist at the sky in frustration, and shout the question "Whyyyyyy?" in my best soap opera voice.  It has a lot of humor, decent acting, decent script with a plot you can actually follow, but still not get bogged down by, and decent CGI.  But there's something missing from the whole concoction.  There's a lot of root elements to make for a big bang, but there's no spark to set the whole thing off.

We have James Brolin putting in an appearance, and he is awesome as the adventurous father leading his two polar opposite sons on various quests for artifacts.  There's a bar fight scene where all he does is sit and grin as his sons duke it out with various stereotyes.  Another actor wouldn't have been able to make that actually work, but he does.  It's all about subtetly.

Poor Ben Cross, already in my "You Poor Bastard" category, yet again plays a delusional, 'I want to take over the world' bad guy.  Again, he does it with panache and style, and more seriousness than the role merits.  I'm just happy he might finally be getting better roles now that he will be in the newest Star Trek movie.  Yes, it's nice to have quality actors in bad movies, but it's just cruel to insist that be all they do. Ben Cross has more than paid his dues.

There's another secondary character in Lost City Raiders which has a lot of potential, but they don't give her enough screen time to let her shine.  Her character's name is Cara, and she's played by Elodie Frenck. The writers also get lazy with her towards the end, and relegate her to standing around whining about the end of the world as we know it.  If they'd let her steal the scenes as she was meant to, I think I would be clamoring for this movie to hit DVD as soon as possible.  She's not as great as Toni from Rock Monster, but she easily could have been.

Otherwise this B-movie is solid, but perhaps that's the problem.  The writers went by the book so much that there isn't anything to make it stand out from the pack.  I'm not going to ever snap my fingers and suddenly think "I need to watch Lost City Raiders again!" because it's just like every other adventure/save the world type movie.  The characters are missing some special something to make you remember them after the movie is over.  There aren't any memorable one-liners.  The plot is typical.  It's anti-climactic, despite everything it has going for it. It's a decent movie, bordering on really good, but not great.

If you get a chance, definitely check it out.  I didn't feel the spark of love for it, but maybe someone else will.  It has so much potential that I'm sure a lot of other people will really enjoy it.  Besides, it's a time saver if you ever feel like watching all of the Indiana Jones movies, plus the two Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movies, but only have a couple of hours.  Lost City Raiders gives you a dash of it all in a nice personal portion size!

Battle Planet: Taking hearing voices in your head to a new level

Battle Planet is so close to being great, it's frustrating. It's got cheesy dialogue, cheesy, overly-glossy CGI of planets and spaceships, weird-looking aliens, and a great cast. It even has a strong plot, despite getting too bogged down in an attempt at political and ethical overtones.

Zack Ward does wonders with his role as Jordan Stride (see, cheesy character names, too!). He pulls off what a lot of other actors wouldn't be able to: he makes me believe the high tech survival suit he is in really is talking to him, administering food intravenously against his wishes, administering adrenaline (also against his wishes), and generally driving him nuts. There are several scenes with just him and the suit, and I was laughing for all the right reasons. He obviously remembers his comedy from the painfully funny sitcom Titus well.

There are tons of other characters in this movie, in typical "Look at us! We created a whole new universe! Isn't it so cool and richly developed?" science fiction style. However, the only other character of any interest (and luckily for us, the other main character) is Jun'Hee, played with surprising skill by Monica May. If I had known one of her major roles was in Power Rangers: SPD in 2005, I probably wouldn't have taken her as seriously. However, she does some convincing acting past all the makeup they have her in, and her chemistry with Zack Ward is very believable.

They were obviously hoping for a lot with Battle Planet considering how slick and hyped-up the dedicated website for it is. However, while a good, strong story with solid acting, and decent CGI, it's missing a spark that would have made it great. I was rooting for this movie all the way until the very end, and even though I was bummed out by it, I still felt more frustrated than disappointed. Maybe that's what the writers were aiming for, but considering how many comedic breadcrumbs they dropped for me to follow, I think it should have ended differently, and I then would be singing this film's praises to all who would listen.

I will watch this movie again, and hope it comes to DVD soon so I can watch it with possibly deleted scenes that would make me feel better about the whole affair. I definitely recommend it for at least one viewing to all who enjoy old-fashioned science fiction-style stories that rely on actual stories, characters, decent CGI, and a little bit of humor, rather than unnecessary gore. Maybe someone else will see the spark I'm missing?