Earthstorm: Featuring my least favorite Baldwin brother...

Stephen Baldwin says

I feel like a meanie-bo-beanie for being unable to restrain my laughter at the expense of Stephen Baldwin. He puts on a convincing show of wanting to be an actor, but he's pretty much the same character in a different hat in everything I see him in. And he picks roles where he gets to be the hero in a non-threatening kind of way, so he can feel assured that he's being all clean-cut and a good role model, or something. It ends up feeling very fake, but it does give me cheap laughs that I'm sure will be put in the column heading of 'Yep, she's going to hell' when it's time for me to face my maker.

That being said, Earthstorm gives me lots of 'going to hell in a hand basket' kind of giggles, and not all of them are because of poor Stephen Baldwin's attempts to have a career. (Seriously, Stephen, how much does it hurt your ego to know you're cast in a role only because you're the only Baldwin they can get, and they just want your last name?) The plot of Earthstorm is delightfully bad science, and involves the moon cracking apart after an asteroid hits it, and the United States determined to fix it, because gosh darn it, that's what the United States is supposed to do!

It turns out that our only hope is in the skills of a demolitions expert who knows how to bring down a building without scratching the surrounding area. Enter Mr. Baldwin and his team of a cute young girl who considers him a father figure, and a smart young man who seems to just be there as character ballast. Mr. Baldwin's character is obsessed with his work after losing his wife, so he's all tough and hiding his emotions, see. That's acting! Of course he presents the same expressions while talking about his late wife as he does when he's recruited to work for the government to save the world, and when he's informed he's being launched in a space shuttle in less than an hour.

But I digress. The speed with which the government moves makes sure you know that this is fiction, especially when they pull together a shuttle launch to the moon to include an untrained, not fit for space travel, guy to tag along. I know this is a disaster/world is gonna end movie, but everything about it is just so ludicrous I couldn't help but laugh all the way through. Watching the shuttle navigate through a storm of moon rock debris is just a riot, while at the same time pretty darn cool. Watching Mr. Baldwin tend to an injured astronaut on the flight, cobble together a replacement device to deliver the proper detonating force when they realize they brought the wrong thing (d'oh!) on the trip, and manage to be a reassuring presence to his cute young lady demolitions crew member almost simultaneously brings 'ludicrous' to a whole new level for me. It's so bad, it's awesome!

The ending is very trite 'edge of your seat' showmanship with little actual drama or tension. The very end is so cutesy as to be a replacement for syrup of Ipecac if one needs to induce vomiting. Overall I would watch this movie again, and if I found it cheap enough may even buy a copy. It's really that over-the-top cornball bad! And Stephen Baldwin, you may not be a cheesy actor by choice, but obviously the powers that be decided that this is meant to be your fate. I'm glad to see with your continued choices of roles that you have embraced this truth as much as I have. Cheese on, least favorite of all the Baldwins. Cheese on.

Showdown At Area 51: Not even remotely a spaghetti western...

Where else will you see Matt Houston make a cameo appearance?

I've sat through a couple of viewings of Showdown At Area 51 and it's very okay. It's not horrible, definitely not great, borderline good, but lacking that special something that would make it live in my heart forever.

Part of the problem is the blatant rip off of all the other 'dueling aliens come to our planet for a final showdown' movies. They try to add a twist by throwing in a device that will end the world, where the only thing that can deactivate it is housed in 'the real' area 51. This just confuses things at the same time as it adds at least something to keep the plot moving forward. Since this long, hard rod is the only thing that can stop the countdown, and the bad alien wants to make sure the countdown isn't stopped, and the bad alien also already knows where the device is instead of having to decipher markings on the long, hard rod like the good guys, why doesn't the bad alien just sit in a prime sniper spot and pick the good guys off as they come to turn the device off? Okay, that would completely defeat the purpose of this being a cheesy movie, but the plot was so weak on this one even I can't help but say, 'That's kind of stupid.'

Be that as it may there's at least a lot of action between the ugly, naturally evil, alien, and the good alien who looks remarkably humanoid, named Jude, played by Coby Bell. There's even a scene between the two characters where they stand in a face off ala classic spaghetti westerns, hands twitching at the holsters of their weapons, just waiting for the other to make the first move. You could almost hear that classic whistle from old Clint Eastwood westerns playing in the background. Sadly, they didn't go for the cheese and actually put that music in.

The other two main characters have the typical back story of being former lovers with a stormy past. They start off helping Jude, then second guess themselves that he might be the bad guy, especially when Lee Horsley makes his cameo as a junk yard owner/former scientist with some of the best lines in the movie. When asked if he has any guns, he replies 'I may be smart, but I'm still a redneck.' and proceeds to reveal a small armory in his house.

Jason London finally plays a different character than I've seen him do lately, this time a former military man who threw away his career for the love of a woman, and now rides a motorcycle and can actually throw a decent punch. For such a stereotypical role he's very charming and believable.

Unfortunately I can't say the same for Gigi Edgley's character. She's supposed to be a linguistics expert, which is fine and well, but I think she feels uncomfortable in a role where she's not painted blue. She couldn't seem to figure out how much 'oomph' to put into her performance now that she's not acting through the layer of her old Farscape costume. Acting through a mask or heavy makeup is a lot different that going 'au natural', and she didn't look comfortable. Her chemistry with Jason London is forced, and lets lines that should have been a riot (including numerous references to the rod, and having to put it in the right slot) fall flat.

In the realm of B-movies this is definitely a B-minus, losing points for missed opportunities at humor, not giving Lee Horsley more screen time, and not going over the top ridiculous on the plot to make up for it being so lame. I can't see myself owning a copy of the DVD, but someone else might feel more forgiving of the flaws to give it a home. Besides, it wasn't all bad. It didn't take itself anywhere near as seriously as the finally ending new Battlestar Galactica.

Locusts: At least it had Lucy Lawless...

Whole lotta bugs, not a lotta plot.

Sigh. Why are so many movies I'm watching lately so bad, and not in a good way? I thought for sure that Lucy Lawless could carry any movie, and she does admirably well, but she is the only good thing about this made-for-CBS television movie. Made-for-tv isn't a sure fire sign something is going to be watered down, bland, and generally sleep-inducing, or even poorly written with every cliche you can think of thrown in. However, Locusts: Day Of Destruction does nothing to fight that stereotype I have formed in my mind.

It starts off promising. Two young people enter a lab where experimental locusts are secured. She's the lab assistant, and brought her boyfriend along so he can see the cool place she works before they go on their date. One of her tasks is to put a ficus plant in with the locusts, and naturally she decides not to don the protective gear. The locusts swarm her, start biting, she freaks out, but still manages to shout the code to the door to her boyfriend. She emerges no worse for wear (and surprisingly doesn't release any locusts like should have happened), and her boyfriend teases her about the giant grasshoppers. A little funny, a tad too cutesy for my taste, and one of the few entertaining moments of the whole affair.

It goes downhill as soon as Maggie Reardon (Lawless) is shown interacting with her husband, Dan, played by Dylan Neal. Now, I'm sure Dylan Neal is a talented actor, but something about a made-for-television movie must force you to listen to directors telling you to embrace your feminine side too tightly. The characters are having troubles in their marriage (boo hoo), and part of it stems from Maggie taking a very successful, very demanding, job with the Department of Agriculture. Her hubby whines about how he turned down a great job so they could be together and so they could settle down and start a family. Then in a slightly later scene when Maggie confesses she has to go out of town for her job instead of staying to talk with him, he snivels some more about how neglected he feels, and how he needs to put some space between him and her so he can sort things out. With so much estrogen pouring out of him, I started my period early.

Setting aside my hearty dislike for Dan's character, there are plenty of other things that just bored me and nothing more. Maggie naturally has to confront her former teacher, who is experimenting on locusts, and fires him. During the dismantling of the lab, some of the bugs are smuggled out, others escape, and the plague ensues. Government cover ups begin, finger pointing abounds, someone in the military suggests just poisoning the remote areas of Middle America despite the loss of human lives it would result in, and others mention the ten plagues of Egypt. Somewhere during all of this trite melodrama Maggie discovers she's pregnant, and we get another scene actually entertaining. Lucy Lawless displays her comedic timing as she's on the phone to her father telling him about it, and makes incoherent babble mixed with crying a poignant commentary on a successful woman realizing she's knocked up.

As a testimony to the lack of imagination found in mainstream television, a sequel called Vampire Bats was made, and released Halloween of 2005. I'm sure Dan is just as whiny and 'god-I-just-want-to-smack-you'-able as he is in the first movie, and I'm also sure the premise is just as weak and tired. I'm also sure that as soon as I get my hands on a copy, I will sit and watch it, because I am that masochistic when it comes to bad movies.

If you're a fan of Lucy Lawless, Locusts is worth a viewing, if only out of respect for the hard work she put in on it. Otherwise, don't bother, not even for the completely ludicrous ending where the locusts are destroyed because every American pitches in and turns off all of their lights. Trust me. It's nowhere near as cool or funny as that sounds.

You have been warned.

Anonymous Rex: If it were better done, it might not have gone extinct...

Forget going medieval. They

Based on the second in what sounds like a very interesting series of books by Eric Garcia, Anonymous Rex could have been the pilot for a very funny, original television series. If there had been a little more work on the script, and a little more love in the CGI on the dinos, we would've had something great. Instead it's a watchable, mostly entertaining detective flick which happens to feature dinosaurs as the main characters.

Sam Trammell (now in HBO's True Blood) plays the lead, Vincent Rubio, a velociraptor teamed up with a triceratops for a partner in a detective agency. The stereotypical lifestyle of a 'private dick' is played up to the hilt, giving the movie almost a noir-ish feel. Throw in the dinosaur angle and you get scenes of the characters not taking shots of a stiff alcohol, but getting buzzed off herbs like rosemary, sage, and thyme. Tarragon is so strong it's outlawed, which is naturally a major plot point.

The dinosaurs have evolved over the eons into smaller versions of their ancient forefathers. They're more advanced than humans (a.k.a. "apes") in many ways, including science and forensics. They've developed technology that allows them to blend in with humans unnoticed. Their numbers are few, but apparently they congregate in cities so they can sustain each other. That's about as much setup as they give us.

The film plays out like a a run of the mill detective story. Dame is in trouble, suckers in the older detective to help her for free. The investigation leads them into a deeper, darker mystery that could cost them their lives. Yada yada yada. For seasoning they throw in a dino cult called The Voice Of Progress which should have been much more interesting than it appeared on screen. This group thinks dinos should embrace their true natures and rise up against the humans. They never go into details how they would deal with the whole carnivore versus herbivore thing, but that was probably going to be saved for the series.

The figurehead of the cult is a beauty named Circe who also happens to be a velociraptor. When she and Vincent Rubio meet, we're supposed to believe the sparks fly. As the romance progresses we're treated to some visuals of flowers blooming that were supposed to be as sensual as a Georgia O'Keefe painting, but made me giggle instead. Sadly her character is used sparingly, to the point it seems she was only there to be eye candy.

The movie does itself a disservice by throwing in a ton of extra details that I'm sure would have panned out better if it had survived to be a series. Unfortunately since it didn't, they just add white noise. The ending is anti-climactic and disappointing, but again would have been fine if it had just survived into a series. Basically we're watching the pilot to a show that failed before it even started.

There is a lot of humor in Anonymous Rex, but it's not quite enough to save the whole affair. It's the cheap CGI that really ruins it. It has 'made for television' painted all over it, and is used so sparingly you can almost hear the accountant in the background yelling 'Hey! Hey! Hey! You've shown three seconds already! We're not made of money!'

This movie had so much potential to stand on its own that I am still fuming in frustration about it. The actors all played their parts really well, and had good chemistry with each other. The basic premise was very unique. There was a lot of humor throughout. The CGI, cheap as it was, at least got the point across. But because someone thought they had the go ahead to do a series, they gave us a ton of set up that goes nowhere.

I'm going to have to hunt down these books and give them a read in all of my spare time, because the Dinosaur Mafia sounds right up my alley. Too bad the movie wasn't crafted with as much love as the books. Now all I can do is shake my fist at the sky and ask 'Whyyyyyy?' in as good a show of histrionics as I can muster.

Attack Of The Sabretooth: A movie with cheesy CGI bite

Cute lil

Okay, this isn't going to win any awards for acting, writing, or special effects. But it is a lot of laughs along the way!

I like movies that don't take themselves seriously, and Attack Of The Sabretooth doesn't seem to know the meaning of the word 'serious'. It has no problem ripping off a huge chunk from Jurassic Park, including the goofy fonts used on the amusement park signs, as well as the genetic tinkering element. The entire premise of this exclusive resort island is a watered down version of that movie, just featuring saber tooth tigers. While that may seem like a weak premise for a story, it provides plenty of cheese and giggle factor for me to sit and enjoy!

What helps is a large cast of actors who understand that they're in a bad movie, and play it up. Lines are delivered that make you groan, and people take blood splatter, entrails, decapitation, and bifurcation all in stride. Some of the characters are annoying, but it's okay, because a lot of formulas for B movies are followed, and their flaws are dealt with appropriately.

It all starts off with an island paradise where a rich man is trying to become richer by launching a prehistoric amusement park (try not to have the Jurassic Park theme run through your head, I dare you). He's invited a huge crowd of potential investors, including his ex-brother-in-law whom he just wants to make jealous. A group of college kids are also inexplicably on the island during this big party for potential investors, so the element of ludicrous abounds. They're there on a scavenger hunt as pledges to a fraternity/sorority, so they sneak all around this park, unwitting freeing animals that just got put back in their cages from escaping at the beginning of the movie.

The guards don't take their jobs seriously at all, and wander into the pens just waiting to become snacks. We see this right away when a guard decides a nudie picture is worth chasing after. We get glimpses of the big kitties a few minutes in, and they look like they were stolen right off a Discovery Channel special. Fluid movement was not in the budget. The lady in charge of security naturally notices things aren't right, but of course is told to just contain the problem or find a new job. About that time the whole security system is taken down by the college kids, and the fun really starts.

Brian Wimmer plays some sort of handyman/security guard/boy toy, but his character isn't as wooden as I've seen in other movies. He's charismatic and funny, and plays well off of Stacy Haiduk, the awesome Lillie from Kindred: The Embraced. Nicholas Bell is the rich guy who doesn't understand why the kitties don't like him when he loves them for their revenue-generating potential. Robert Carradine plays the jerk brother-in-law, and has several entertaining interactions with Nicholas Bell. The cast of college students were all pretty forgettable, but I only rooted for the saber tooth tigers against a couple of them.

The writing and storyline are very average, but have enough one-liners to keep my interest and make me either roll my eyes or giggle. It's all standard fare, but my husband insists that I point out that one of the college students claimed her dad made money by working for "the company that made Linux". When she said he made a fortune off of it, I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel, seeing as it's open source, free software. Oh well! That's the kind of attention to detail that makes this movie so much fun! (Okay, my geek duty has been fulfilled.)

Don't watch Attack Of The Sabretooth with any kind of expectations except for low ones, and better yet, low brow ones. You could put it on mute and not miss any of the story, but you would miss one liners, over the top acting, and lots of snarls and munching sounds as prehistoric kitties fight their bulimia. Oh, you didn't know genetically engineered saber tooth tigers were bulimic? Well, watch this movie to find out what else you didn't know about genetically engineered saber tooth tigers and the people they snack on!