Gather round! You can watch your career nosedive with this flick!

I wanted to love Star Runners. It has a lot of potential to be a wonderful, riotous good time. It obviously took its inspiration from Firefly/Serenity, Starship Troopers, and even a little The Fifth Element. Problem is it didn’t run with the blatant ripoffs, and tried to pretend it had an original idea. That only works when you have an original idea. When someone can point at the screen and dissect the movie into categories based on what film it was ripping off, you don’t have an original idea.

What frustrates the holy heck out of me is Star Runners could still have been saved. If they’d embraced the cheese factor (which was evident in the movies that obviously inspired it) and went for laughs, I would have been a happy camper. Instead the writers got all serious with political intrigue and character self-sacrifices and genocidal atrocities. Even that would have been alright if they’d not taken so much time to setup this up as a ‘buddy’ movie, promising a rollicking good time as the main characters get captured by the government, and then sent on a covert mission to retrieve a mysterious crate. Naturally they open the crate to find a frozen, naked, woman inside who wakes up with no memory. We’ve been introduced to a couple of interesting secondary characters in the middle of a space bar that is blatantly a pale ripoff of Star Wars‘ Mos Eisley. We should be in for a ton of fun as the trio of characters make a run for it.

Nope. It gets all serious after that with just a few one liners here and there to break up the monotony. And it is monotonous. We get a space pursuit through a wormhole into uncharted space, a crash landing, tiresome arguments among the survivors, a mysterious abandoned base that the survivors realize was populated by their kind, and then bugs. Lots of giant bugs. While interesting on the surface, as the movie progresses it’s all ‘by the numbers’ and I kept checking how much time was left in the movie.

One thing that wasn’t wrong with this movie was the acting talent. We have Connor Trinneer playing the would-be swashbuckling captain, Ty. He waffles between playing by the rules, breaking them as is convenient. He’s charming and likable, which is good since he’s the main character. Then we get a horribly wasted James Kyson Lee from Heroes fame. He’s the sidekick, basically, and is portrayed as a smart guy, but with a few gaps in the common sense area. He’s the funny guy who points out the obvious. There’s also relative newcomers, Aja Evans and Toni Trucks. Aja Evans plays the tough girl who is stuck with our wayward gaggle of people after they crash land. She has more to her than meets the eye, and when we learn her real role, it’s one of the few interesting twists in the whole affair. Toni Trucks plays the ‘Leeloo’/'River’ sort of character, the gal who was frozen, wakes up with no memory, but oh, she’s really special, and not just because our heroes see her naked. Toni does alright with this character, but a better actress could have made her shine despite this script. The rest of the supporting cast at least add positives to this mess, but it’s just not enough to save it for me. Not even my favorite bit actor, Todd Jensen, lifted my spirits enough to say ‘Well, maybe it’s not that bad…’, because, well, it was that bad.

For a throwaway movie this is at least watchable, especially if you go into it knowing it’s going to be a mish mosh of other movies you’ve watched, and probably loved. But when it’s all over, you’re going to feel a strong urge to watch some quality sci fi, maybe pulling out Star Wars or even Spaceballs, because Star Runners is a train wreck that will linger in your consciousness, and make you doubt that good sci fi ever existed.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, Aja Evans, b-movie, Connor Trinneer, Firefly, Heroes, James Kyson Lee, Serenity, space bugs, Star Runners, Starship Troopers, The Fifth Element, Todd Jensen, Toni Trucks

We’ve all been there. A new show airs on The Fox Network. It’s great. It’s fun. It’s got a lot of potential. You’re hooked within the first couple of episodes. But there’s a little voice whispering in the back of your mind taunting, ‘But it’s on the Fox Network. You know what that means, don’t you?’ You try to ignore it, but you can’t help but remember all the other times you’ve been hurt before. No matter how stoic your demeanor, there’s still a tremble to your lips as you brace for the inevitable.

And then it happens. Your new favorite show vanishes from your DVR schedule. You’re left bereft, shaking your fist vainly at the stars and asking a universal question among Fox viewers: ‘What demon teat does American Idol suckle at to instigate the demise of even it’s remotest of competitors?’

The list of canceled Fox shows would take far too long to compile, so I’m just going to focus on the top ten whose loss is still causing me convulsions. In my humble opinion, these are ten shows that Fox canceled before their time.

1. That 80’s Show: An obvious offshoot of That 70’s Show, That 80’s Show was just finding it’s pace when Fox yanked it. I’m a child of the 80’s and recalled with fondness watching Dynasty with Joan Collins at her bitchy best, and listening to music I’m still a little embarrassed to admit to being a fan of. Like all new shows it stumbled a bit with the pilot, but then the actors got comfortable with their characters. I really thought it could have been something beautiful, but Fox obviously disagreed, per their business model.

2. Kindred: The Embraced: Okay, part of this show’s cancellation isn’t Fox’s fault. One of the actors had the audacity to die, making sure there was no chance of bringing the show back. However, Fox in it’s infinite wisdom already decided that a vampire show just wasn’t a ratings grabber. Not even one with so much cheese and melodrama that it could have put Melrose Place to shame. Idiots.

3. Titus: Poor Christopher Titus. Rough childhood. Psycho mom. Alcoholic father. Painfully funny show on the Fox Network. ‘Nuff said.

4. Justice: This was just a blip on the radar before they yanked this great lawyer show. Ron Trott is a complete asshole that offers defense to those who can afford it, or who can provide great PR for his law firm. He’s the guy you’d want defending you, but would want nothing else to do with. I don’t understand why this didn’t take off, other than Fox’s usual style of jumping a show around on the time slots, and then wondering why people aren’t watching. Ever think it’s because no one can find the show when you jump it around like a kangaroo with ADD?

5. Back To You: This comedy had fast-paced, and god forbid, intelligent dialogue, great characters, and was funny as hell. It should still be airing and giving Kelsey Grammer a paycheck. I suspect Fox didn’t think it’s viewers could keep up with something of this caliber, and figured we’d be better distracted by American Idol Rewind or other such rot.

6. Stacked: Part of the reason this show didn’t get better ratings is because Pamela Anderson was the only focus in the promos. Christopher Lloyd was a riot as the stoic professor, and the rest of the ensemble cast were awesome. This was truly a show greater than the sum of it’s parts, and one I made sure to buy on DVD, especially since Fox didn’t even air all of the episodes that were made.

7. Tru Calling: This interesting show about rewinding days gave Zach Galifianakis a chance to prove he can act. It made it partway into a second season, but only after a long hiatus. Then Fox canceled it and replaced it with some piece of tripe that even previews of made my left eye twitch.

8. John Doe: Before the mini-series that should have been over after the first season, Prison Break, Dominic Purcell played an amnesic genius who knew every fact in the known universe. He was charming, and the story interesting. Things were getting even better at the end of season one, so naturally Fox decided no one would be interested in it anymore.

9. The Lone Gunmen: Another show canceled after hilarious, often intriguing, episodes, this time featuring the wonderful tertiary characters from The X-Files. I blame Fox for Chris Carter killing off the characters in a final episode of The X Files. I think Mr. Carter wouldn’t have felt the need to dispose of them if Fox could keep it’s OCD (’Obsessive Cancellation Disorder) under control.

10. Firefly: I know I’m not alone in my outrage over this one. There’s not even anything to to add. I’ll just press my fingers to the bridge of nose and wonder if that pulsing vein is the start of a Fox-related aneurysm.

There are tons more shows which have fallen victim to Fox. I’m currently waiting with bated breath to see how long Dollhouse lasts. Joss Whedon, you are a brave, brave man.

To everyone else out there who has lost a beloved show to The Fox Network’s fear of commitment, know that you are not alone. I wish I could offer solace and comfort, but I can’t. I can’t, not while knowing deep in my heart that for every show surrendered to the Fox Network ether, American Idol gets renewed another season.

Tags: Back To You, cancelled tv shows, Christopher Titus, Dominic Purcell, Firefly, Fox Network, John Doe, Justice, Kindred The Embraced, Pamela Anderson, Shows Cancelled By Fox, Stacked, That 80's Show, The Lone Gunmen, Titus, Tru Calling, X Files