Creepy, crawly, radioactive fun!

With Halloween approaching, it is my duty to remind you to keep the fun apace with the frightful for those movie marathons countless of us will indulge in. I can appreciate a good scare, but I need a good laugh along with it, because after all, I am The Queen Of Cheese. I need giggles. I need cheese. I need plots lifted from old black and white sci-fi thrillers that were funny mostly because they were so cornball bad. I need Eight Legged Freaks, and so do you.

We have the small, isolated town of Prosperity where the most popular jock tries to get in the pants of the lady sheriff’s hot daughter, young kids ride their bikes everywhere without much concern from their parents, local kooks collect spiders, and trucks drive through with radioactive waste. There’s also a mayor trying to revitalize the town after the mining has died by building an eyesore of a mall with the theory that people will just gravitate towards it like a moth to a flame. Reenter the long lost son of one of the mine workers who left over a girl (naturally), who is now the hot lady sheriff. We get painful attempts at him romancing her, lots of scenes with the young son trying to warn the town that spiders are coming to get them, all punctuated by the mildly delusional narrations of the town’s only apparent radio broadcaster.

The plot isn’t important, and the writers knew it. Instead they focus on the colorful characters populating the town (and soon the cocoons of one ton spiders). They also pay a lighthearted tribute to small town life against the backdrop of wonderfully CGI-ed spiders leaping through the air, skittering after their prey, lunging from trapdoors in the sand, or just lumbering through main street because they’re the big bad tarantula that can. The fact the spiders occasionally roar like a lion, mutter obscenities, and giggle fiendishly is all just icing on the cake.

Even if you’re afraid of spiders, you need to give this movie a chance. David Arquette (Scream) fits perfectly in his “lovable loser trying to win the girl of his dreams that he lost by punching out her jerk of a boyfriend back in high school and that’s why he left without a word and now has a lot of explaining to do” character. His aunt Gladys is divinely played by Eileen Ryan, right down to the cigarette habit that helps save the day. Kari Wuhrer is recovering from Sliders by playing a tough, beautiful, believably intelligent lady raising her two precocious kids single handed, while juggling her career as sheriff. Her eldest daughter is a barely recognizable Scarlett Johansson (before the bleach blond hair and what I think is some cosmetic work) who does a good job being a snotty teenager who still loves her mom, no matter how much she resents still living in this little town. Scott Terra is the little brother obsessed with sci fi movies, and who naturally no one believes because he’s a kid who’s obsessed with sci fi movies. Rounding out the main characters is Harlan, our conspiracy theory radio broadcaster, played by Doug E. Doug.

Whoever did the casting on this film did it with care and made sure the chemistry fit. This wasn’t designed to be a blockbuster, by any means (especially since it was up against Spiderman of all things), so they didn’t try to get a “name” to sell it. As a result the large cast all meshed together to form a believable community of small town folk just trying to jab a pitchfork in the belly of that spider trying to get in through the mall door.

The graphics on the spiders are a huge selling point for me, as well as the acting and the writing. Someone did a lot of research to get the variety of spiders right, and tended to the project with the love it deserves. Little things like spraying perfume at a giant spider demands that you see the mandibles frantically waving the offending scent away, or else why bother?

Eight Legged Freaks is one of my ‘go to’ movies when I need a good laugh. The fact this movie embraces the cheese and giggle factor make me love it all the more. I have pushed this on to friends and coworkers to initiate them into the world of cheese with good results. I now insist those of you who have not experienced this wonderfully cheesy movie treat yourselves now that the Halloween sales are on! For those who already know and love this movie, do as I will, and pull out your copy for a Halloween (or any time) viewing, and giggle away!

Tags: b-movie, bug attack, cheese factor, creature feature, David Arquette, Doug E. Doug, Eight Legged Freaks, Eileen Ryan, giggle factor, Kari Wuhrer, Leon Rippy, Matt Czuchry, movie review, popcorn munching afternoon, Rick Overton, Scarlett Johansson, Scott Terra

Cool shark graphics, horrible English dubs, and cheesy fun!

There’s just something about a shark attack movie I can’t resist. When it’s a German made flick with horrible English dubs, that just melts the cheese into a bubbly fondue.

In this case we have Shark Attack In The Mediterranean. A man, Sven Hanson, is trying to keep his life together after losing his wife in what we’re told is a horrific shark attack. His teenage daughter is into jet skies and stealing people’s boyfriends (even though she does it so sweetly, and the current girlfriend is such a snot you can hardly blame the guy), and rolling her eyes at her father. His best friend is head of the local police force, with a wife wasting away from cancer. Our hero flies a helicopter, and his latest passenger happens to be an attractive marine biologist, Julia Bennett, arriving on the island to help with cancer studies involving lots and lots of sharks. We now have our basic setup of conflict.

Right off the bat we get a young girl (horribly dubbed with a voice too young to fit the actress) setting the stage by telling a tale of tragic love that ends at the bottom of the ocean. The girl is with her family, all tourists in this Mediterranean paradise who wanted to cage dive with sharks. Well, the sharks aren’t biting, so the captain of the boat decides to drag the cage, with the tourists still inside, along the bottom to a more dangerous spot where sharks are guaranteed. The cage gets caught on the bottom, the rope breaks, one of the tourists cuts their hand, and they’re suddenly surrounded by an awesome display of fluid shark graphics. Even knowing it’s got to be fake, it really looks cool, and eerily realistic, including sharks biting at the cage trying to catch a nibble of fingers and other parts.

So our pilot and his passenger come along in the nick of time to save the day. It gives us a chance to see that they have a lot in common, and to make it clear they’re going to be love interests. We also get a chance to see our hero be an over-protective father when he sees that his daughter is part of the crew of the ship in such dire straits. Arguments ensue, we get some melodrama over the father wanting to move back to Germany and the daughter not wanting to go, and the police friend stepping in with his sick wife to talk about living every moment instead of living in the past. Good stuff, and probably very well acted, despite what the voice actors would have you believe.

But the meat of the story is about a megalodon. It’s entirely unbelievable how a renegade scientist came into possession of a megalodon, although believable that it then escaped. However, the ensuing graphics are so very cool I can forgive all of this movie’s plot holes. You really need to watch the movie so you can hear first hand all of the flawed science, but more to see the CGI of the megalodon as it cruises the Mediterranean. There’s a scene where the hero is basically fishing for it with his helicopter, and the megalodon grabs a hold of the lure. We get several minutes of slick, believable underwater scenes of the shark rolling and thrashing, putting the folks at Discovery Channel to shame.

There’s also plenty of humor throughout Shark Attack In The Mediterranean, provided both by the ludicrous storyline and by secondary characters that are riotously exaggerated. Humor is what’s missing from a lot of B-movies lately, and this was like a breath of fresh air for me. Finally, another movie that doesn’t take itself so seriously, and revels in the cheese!

Shark Attack In The Mediterranean isn’t terribly original, but it’s fun, and has the best shark CGI I have seen. Surprisingly there’s no gore, which made me happier yet. A little blood, a flash of a body, but nothing horrendous trying to gross you out. Basically this is a well done B-movie about a prehistoric shark come to life, and was worth every second of screen time. If you love Shark Attack 3: Megalodon in all of it’s cheesy glory, you’re going to enjoy this movie for all the right reasons!

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, b-movie, German to English dub, giggle factor, megalodon, Patriq Pinheiro, popcorn munching afternoon, Ralf Moeller, Shark Attack In The Mediterranean, shark attack movie

Centaurs, griffins, ship mastheads come to life. All so very, very cool!

I’m a sucker for Sinbad movies. At some point in my youth I watched all three in Ray Harryhausen’s trilogy, from The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad, to The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad, to Sinbad And The Eye Of The Tiger. I love them all for the cheesy train wrecks that they are. However, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad seems to be the one that sucks me in the most often when I chance upon it on television. Maybe it’s the griffin and centaur fight at the end. Maybe it’s the evil sorcerer whose incantations are actually nothing more sinister than Trix and and Cocoa Puffs commercials read backwards (no, seriously). Maybe it’s the flying creatures that spy for the sorcerer. Maybe it’s the ship’s masthead that comes to life to attack Sinbad’s crew. Maybe it’s all the other wonderfully goofy, cheesy, corny effects interspersed throughout. Whatever the reasons, I can’t help but sit and watch this with giddy, girlish giggles of glee.

Honestly, I barely listen to the dialogue. The cast is well played, and the lines are delivered well, but this is a creature feature, and a pirate movie, and a sorcerer movie, so I’m just watching for the cool creatures and some magic. Yes, there are some funny lines, but that’s just a cookie sprinkling on top of the sundae. The characters are typical, and just there to push the story along. It’s the awesome creature effects that keep me glued to the screen. The attention to detail show the love that is missing from some of today’s slick CGI. The six figured statue of Kali that battles our heroic crew is mesmerizing to watch, especially knowing how much work went into it. Anyone trying that today would fall woefully short of Harryhausen’s standards.

The basic plot is Sinbad must quest for a third piece of a medallion, of which he has the first, and a grand vizier has the second. Along the way he encounters the evil sorcerer, Koura, is convinced to bring a lazy, spoiled sultan’s son on his ship to toughen him up, and also frees a slave girl named Margiana. She’s pretty much there as eye candy, although they hint that she has a higher purpose because she has an all seeing eye tattooed on her palm. Really, she is there so young boys from the 70’s could hope she pops out of her tight, low cut top.

Everyone journeys around trying to get this third piece of the medallion, which promises youth, invisibility, and riches. There are plenty of battles along the way to keep the movie from dragging, culminating with a fight between a centaur and a griffin, and then the centaur and Sinbad, and then Sinbad and the sorcerer. We get a nice, safe happy ending, and all is right with the world.

This might be too tame for some of those in the younger target audience, but I think anyone who watches this with the proper expectations of a 70’s flick, and perhaps a little glass of something alcoholic, will get a lot of laughs out of it, and be impressed with the creature effects. After so much CGI I think one needs to get a good dose of ‘old school’ to gain perspective and maybe appreciation for special effects as an art form.

If you get the chance, definitely watch all three of these Sinbad movies. However, if you have time for only one, definitely go for The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad. In this case the ‘middle child’ is the best!

Tags: 70's movies, Caroline Munro, creature feature, fantasy film, giggle factor, John Phillip Law, pirates, popcorn munching afternoon, Ray Harryhausen, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad, Tom Baker

City stomping fun!

Surprisingly, I’m not a huge Godzilla movie fan. I watch them if they happen to be on, but I never embraced them so much that I took the story or character of Godzilla very seriously. The older ones with their deliberately awful English dubs and cookie cutter plots are always good for a laugh, and are easy to watch. Godzilla 2000 was the first release since 1985 that hit North American theaters, and I remember seeing previews for it and wanting to go for the train wreck and camp. It was obvious to me that it was meant to be a lot of fun, and now that I finally had a chance to sit down and watch it in the comfort of my own home, that point was proven without a doubt.

We have a Godzilla Prediction Network dedicated to tracking the big guy around Tokyo, which is fronted by a father and his young, ‘I need to be smacked for being a snot’ daughter. A cute little reporter hooks up with them hoping to get pictures of Godzilla, and thereby get herself promoted to ‘real’ news at the paper she works for. We have a bad guy heading up Crisis Control Intelligence. His voice dub is really close to fitting him, but not quite, which brings out the giggles in me right away. This guy is focused on a large space rock that landed in the water near Tokyo, and he figures it’s a great idea to bring it to the surface to study and figure out how to exploit. Naturally he and the head of the Godzilla Prediction Network have a frosty history as former co-workers, to the point that the bad guy tries to blow the good guy up in a building on the pretense that he can’t stop the countdown, or the alien will win.

Oh, that’s right! There’s an alien! Of course the space rock is really a spaceship, fueled by solar power, and determined to suck up all the data from Tokyo, and all the genetic code from Godzilla so it can adapt to Earth and properly take over. We get plenty of monster fighting, models of Tokyo smashed to bits, and cool looking energy beams from both Godzilla and the alien.

The main characters are a lot of fun to watch, because everything is over the top, especially with the English dubs. We get exchanges like this:
Good guy head of Godzilla Prediction Network: “Are you sure you remembered to take the lens cap off?”
Cute little reporter: “Oh, bite me! Grrr!”
The “Grrr” is seriously in the dialogue. It’s those kinds of gems of witty banter that kept me laughing and thoroughly entertained the whole way through, even when the monster fights seemed to drag on a little too long.

At the end there’s a debate over whether Godzilla is a destroyer or protector of Tokyo. The good guy makes the case for ‘protector’ as Godzilla heads back out to sea after his monumental fight with the alien that surely bankrupted several insurance companies. What makes that commentary completely ludicrous is the fact that Godzilla is doing even more damage as he leaves, tromping on cars, knocking down even more buildings, and leaving plenty of fire and chaos in his wake. Yep. That’s just how I like my city to be protected…

Never mind that the plot leaves a lot to be desired. The plot isn’t the reason to watch a Godzilla movie, and anyone willing to sit down and waste an hour and a half or so of their life watching a man in a rubber suit hop around while that classic Godzilla roar sounds in their ears knows exactly what I’m talking about. It’s campy. It’s cheesy. It’s timeless. It’s a great way to ignore the scary real world and giggle yourself silly!

Tags: action movie, b-movie, creature feature, giggle factor, Godzilla, Godzilla 2000, monster, popcorn munching afternoon

Might make you rethink getting that Roomba...

Continuing the Cheese Alphabet, we have I, Robot as the representative of the letter I. This blockbuster starring Will Smith might seem a little more sophisticated, and even philosophical, than my usual fare, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t loaded up with a good dose of cheese and giggle factor.

Will Smith has a lot to do with how much I enjoy this movie. He’s charming, funny, and self-deprecating. I don’t think another actor could have pulled off the subtleties this particular role required, including rescuing a cat from a house being demolished. This is a man who distrusts the mechanized beings that are taking care of us more and more, yet finds himself uneasily defending one of them when it becomes clear there’s more to the story than a simple murder or suicide. Bridget Moynahan makes for a good contrast to his warmth by being a little too precise, a little too formal, and being the one in charge of giving the robots that ‘personal’ feel. She also stands up against Mr. Smith’s testosterone levels without overt sexual chemistry. Part of me is disappointed there isn’t an actual romance, but that would have disrupted the flow of the movie without enough payoff.

The character of Sonny is intriguing, and also well played. The facial expressions are slight, but convey much, especially when paired with the voice of Alan Tudyk. He is a robot that is sentient, yet despite knowing humans want to deactivate him, he’s still sympathetic to their plight and wishes to help them. It’s interesting to watch Sonny and Spooner (Smith) interact, and how their relationship changes. Sonny doesn’t change, but is the catalyst for the other characters to evolve. A scene between Sonny and Susan (Moynahan) is quite moving as the robot asks her if his deactivation will be painful.

The story starts off with an apparent suicide, quickly transgresses to the arrest of Sonny as a murder suspect, and morphs into all sorts of political and technological intrigue. Are the robots really rising up against us? Robots are building robots, after all, so that can’t be a good thing with so little oversight. The last straw for Spooner is when his dear grandmother wins a robot of her own and prepares one of her classic desserts with her. He’s determined to uncover the conspiracy, and the action just picks up from there.

I never read any of Isaac Asimov’s works, so for me this was just a good, solid sci fi movie about robots in the future. It’s softer than a Terminator movie, but still issues a warning about placing our trust too much in technology, as well as in our need to humanize everything in order to relate to it. I enjoyed a lot of action, some good one liners, and solid acting. I’m sure I should have taken away a lot more from it than the entertainment value, but I don’t. It’s a lot of flash, and a lot of fun, and doesn’t leave me feel beaten down.

If you have never watched this one, I highly recommend it for a little bit of guilty escapism. You know you’re supposed to mull the implications of I, Robot over, but really, it’s just a great futuristic cop movie. With robots. Lots and lots of robots.

Tags: action flick, Bridget Moynahan, cheese, giggle factor, I Robot, Isaac Asimov, popcorn munching afternoon, The Cheese Alphabet, Will Smith

Nothing will turn away future museum patrons than having an exhibit come to life and turn you to stone. It’s even worse when it’s during an exhibit grand opening where all the museum’s benefactors turn out in droves to point at themselves and say ‘Look, I’m supporting the arts just by being here!’ How are you supposed to suck up to them for money when they’re dead? Not a great way to manage a museum. But then that’s not really the point of Basilisk: The Serpent King.

For some reason I kept skipping over this movie when it came around in rotation on Sci Fi. The first few minutes were misleading, and I thought it would be a dry, ancient desert sort of movie, and not a total cheese fest set in modern times. Then I caught the last fifteen minutes at another point, and realized I had to watch the whole thing!

What caught my eye was the cheesy looking staff that supposedly controls the Basilisk. When the main prop looks like something you could buy at Micheal’s or JoAnn Fabrics at Halloween, you know you’ve got a winner. The giant ‘crystal’ cracks me up, since it’s so obviously clear plastic. Watching Yancy Butler carry it around makes it pretty darn clear it’s not exactly solid construction, either. This isn’t a bad thing, because horribly cheap props just endear me to a movie, especially when it has so much else going in the cheese and giggle departments.

The plot is nice and simple, the way I like ‘em. Start off in ancient times with a blind prophet leading his followers to put the dreaded Basilisk to rest. Some bloodshed, stone statues, and a rock slide later, and you have the basis for all that follows. Have a professor and his team on an archeological dig in a foreign country stumble across this great find. With inexplicable ease have the artifacts all brought to America to star in a museum exhibit. Have the benefactors of the dig show up, put on comical displays of disdain and evil thoughts, and you know who the real bad guys are going to be. Make sure the museum opening is the night of the eclipse necessary to waken the beastie, and woo hoo, we’re partying!

The rest of the movie is mostly action, a lot of tongue in cheek humor, cheesy one liners, and no skimping on shots of the Basilisk. Of course the professor and his love interest, and his funny assistant, all work with the men in green camouflage who arrive to turn the critter back to stone and save mankind. The evil benefactor wife and husband duo are running around trying to find a map the cheap prop is supposed to show them so they can get rich. All normal B-movie stuff, and it’s done with the right sense of fun.

Yancy Butler of the Witchblade series still looks like she’s coming off some “medication”, but she puts in a good performance despite it. She even takes getting bit in the ass by the Basilisk in stride.

Jeremy London is very likable in his role as the archaeologist who suddenly realizes he maybe should have listened to the warnings of the tribesmen who told him to leave the excavation area and not remove anything he found. I find it interesting that he is going to be in a movie with Yancy Butler that is currently in post-production, called Wolvesbayne. I wonder if he’ll play another academic type in that movie, since he played the same sort of character in another enjoyable waste of an afternoon, Ba’al: The Storm God.

Overall Basilisk: The Serpent King was a very pleasant surprise. I enjoyed it heartily, not just for the cheesy prop, the awesome looking Basilisk beastie, the one liners, or ill-fitting pink ‘designer’ gown they slapped on Yancy. I also enjoyed it because this was made in the true spirit of B-movies: with a much-needed sense of fun. This is coming up on rotation on SciFi on both January 25th, 2009, and February 28th, 2009, so get your DVR ready, and treat yourself to a popcorn-munching good time!

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, Ba'al The Storm God, Basilisk The Serpent King, cheese, creature feature, Jeremy London, popcorn munching afternoon, sci fi, Witchblade, Wolvesbayne, Yancy Butler

Poor, poor Dina Myer. Once again you are horribly wasted in a mediocre movie. They have you playing a mish mash of cliched ‘tough girls’, including Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, Trinity from The Matrix, and your generic biker chick. They give you guns, intelligence, skin tight outfit, and a character profile even flatter than the delivery of some lines by your co-star, Lochlyn Munro. And on top of that, what the hell did you let them do to your hair?

Bad dye job aside, Dina Myer is the strongest acting talent here. Not to say that the rest of the cast is horrible. I’m just saying they aren’t in Dina’s class.

But let’s get to the nitty gritty here. Riddles Of The Sphinx is a lot of fun, as long as you understand this was made for television, and therefore is trying to cater to a broader audience who might not appreciate the value of going for broke when you’re already making a sub par movie to begin with. So the story tends to be bland, despite some nifty graphics on The Sphinx while in true Sphinx form. The producers cheated and have The Sphinx morph into a fierce looking man for ninety percent of the appearances. Pretty lame, but forgivable.

There isn’t much here as far as substance, which is fine. Any attempt at substance would have made this a painful thing to watch, instead of a popcorn muncher on a rainy afternoon. There are plenty of giggles to be had along the way, because the writers are also stealing quite a bit from the Indiana Jones playbook, and costume department.

The basic premise is the usual ‘estranged father is killed while searching for some mysterious object, and father’s bodyguard travels back with said object to bring his son out of the ’safe and boring life of a high school teacher’ to take his proper place at the helm of a secret, under-the-government’s radar agency, and oh, by the way, this horrible creature that killed your father is after me, and say, let’s all hop in the car and run away from this creature that’s now found us, and head to the secret agency headquarters so the son can immerse himself back into a lifestyle he left so long ago to protect his daughter, and hey, let’s go on a quest to answer all these riddles so we can save the world, and we’d better throw a bit of romance in or we’ll lose part of our audience, and we’d better make the teenage girl a genius so no one can accuse us of being gender-biased, and hey, take it easy on the CGI, we gotta pay for that!’ Alright, that’s not so basic, and it is rambling, but it is a lot of fun to try to keep up with.

If you can overlook the fact that no father is going to bring along his teenage daughter on a dangerous mission, or that said daughter constantly brings up all the pertinent data this ‘black ops’ paranormal agency needs with her hand held game console, or that this same young lady is a genius that solves way too much of the riddles herself, or that everyone is oblivious to who is obviously the bad guy through the entire film and look stupefied when it’s revealed, or… okay, you get the idea. Suspend your disbelief (and hang it high, way up out of reach), revel in the cheese, and you’ll get a lot of entertainment bang for your buck with Riddles Of The Sphinx.

And Dina, sweetie, for god’s sake, get a new agent!

Tags: Indiana Jones playbook, popcorn munching afternoon, suspend your disbelief