Creepy, crawly, radioactive fun!

With Halloween approaching, it is my duty to remind you to keep the fun apace with the frightful for those movie marathons countless of us will indulge in. I can appreciate a good scare, but I need a good laugh along with it, because after all, I am The Queen Of Cheese. I need giggles. I need cheese. I need plots lifted from old black and white sci-fi thrillers that were funny mostly because they were so cornball bad. I need Eight Legged Freaks, and so do you.

We have the small, isolated town of Prosperity where the most popular jock tries to get in the pants of the lady sheriff’s hot daughter, young kids ride their bikes everywhere without much concern from their parents, local kooks collect spiders, and trucks drive through with radioactive waste. There’s also a mayor trying to revitalize the town after the mining has died by building an eyesore of a mall with the theory that people will just gravitate towards it like a moth to a flame. Reenter the long lost son of one of the mine workers who left over a girl (naturally), who is now the hot lady sheriff. We get painful attempts at him romancing her, lots of scenes with the young son trying to warn the town that spiders are coming to get them, all punctuated by the mildly delusional narrations of the town’s only apparent radio broadcaster.

The plot isn’t important, and the writers knew it. Instead they focus on the colorful characters populating the town (and soon the cocoons of one ton spiders). They also pay a lighthearted tribute to small town life against the backdrop of wonderfully CGI-ed spiders leaping through the air, skittering after their prey, lunging from trapdoors in the sand, or just lumbering through main street because they’re the big bad tarantula that can. The fact the spiders occasionally roar like a lion, mutter obscenities, and giggle fiendishly is all just icing on the cake.

Even if you’re afraid of spiders, you need to give this movie a chance. David Arquette (Scream) fits perfectly in his “lovable loser trying to win the girl of his dreams that he lost by punching out her jerk of a boyfriend back in high school and that’s why he left without a word and now has a lot of explaining to do” character. His aunt Gladys is divinely played by Eileen Ryan, right down to the cigarette habit that helps save the day. Kari Wuhrer is recovering from Sliders by playing a tough, beautiful, believably intelligent lady raising her two precocious kids single handed, while juggling her career as sheriff. Her eldest daughter is a barely recognizable Scarlett Johansson (before the bleach blond hair and what I think is some cosmetic work) who does a good job being a snotty teenager who still loves her mom, no matter how much she resents still living in this little town. Scott Terra is the little brother obsessed with sci fi movies, and who naturally no one believes because he’s a kid who’s obsessed with sci fi movies. Rounding out the main characters is Harlan, our conspiracy theory radio broadcaster, played by Doug E. Doug.

Whoever did the casting on this film did it with care and made sure the chemistry fit. This wasn’t designed to be a blockbuster, by any means (especially since it was up against Spiderman of all things), so they didn’t try to get a “name” to sell it. As a result the large cast all meshed together to form a believable community of small town folk just trying to jab a pitchfork in the belly of that spider trying to get in through the mall door.

The graphics on the spiders are a huge selling point for me, as well as the acting and the writing. Someone did a lot of research to get the variety of spiders right, and tended to the project with the love it deserves. Little things like spraying perfume at a giant spider demands that you see the mandibles frantically waving the offending scent away, or else why bother?

Eight Legged Freaks is one of my ‘go to’ movies when I need a good laugh. The fact this movie embraces the cheese and giggle factor make me love it all the more. I have pushed this on to friends and coworkers to initiate them into the world of cheese with good results. I now insist those of you who have not experienced this wonderfully cheesy movie treat yourselves now that the Halloween sales are on! For those who already know and love this movie, do as I will, and pull out your copy for a Halloween (or any time) viewing, and giggle away!

Tags: b-movie, bug attack, cheese factor, creature feature, David Arquette, Doug E. Doug, Eight Legged Freaks, Eileen Ryan, giggle factor, Kari Wuhrer, Leon Rippy, Matt Czuchry, movie review, popcorn munching afternoon, Rick Overton, Scarlett Johansson, Scott Terra

A lot of cheese, and a lot of fun!

I think I enjoyed The Spirit for all the wrong reasons. I have never read the comic books, so I didn’t have to worry about being horrified at how they were translated to screen, which is a complaint I’m reading from hard core fans. What I got out of this movie, however, was a long giggle fest, and my full daily allowance of quality cheese.

Right off the bat you know this is going to be a little awkward. We get a long soliloquy from The Spirit, played by Gabriel Macht, as he leaps across rooftops. He’s going on and on about how he loves the city and the city loves him, to the point where you wonder how long it’s been since The Spirit has been with a real girl. It’s so over the top, I started picturing another comic book hero, translated to small screen, The Tick, in his place, and didn’t feel I was very far off in my comparison.

Then there’s a long, drawn out fight scene between the bad guy, The Octopus, played by Samuel L. Jackson, and The Spirit. Silken Floss, The Octopus’ accomplice, announces that they’ll be there all night, so everyone may as well leave. The fight just keeps going, the banter gets ridiculous, and someone ends up with a toilet smashed over them. I think we may have a tone set here, folks, but it works for me!

The jist is Denny Colt was a good cop shot down in his prime, but miraculously rises from the grave to become The Spirit. He then hides his true identity, including from his former loves, the bad girl Sand Saref whom he loved from childhood until a terrible accident tore them apart (plus her lust for sparkly things), and the goody goody gum drops doctor he dated right before he died, Ellen Dolan. You know Ellen is the ‘real’ thing just because her name is normal. The Octopus has the same amazing healing abilities, but is going for true immortality, and doesn’t care if he destroys the city in the process of obtaining a vase with the blood of Hercules to get it.

The storyline is interesting, and doesn’t drag. This, however, is only because this is so over-the-top, comic-book-brought-to-life that you’re giggling too much to get bored. Some of the monologues are just plain weird, but it all fits the feel of the film. The characters are mostly ridiculous, overblown stereotypes, but there is some depth when it’s needed. Is Sand Saref a villain, or just a girl who likes her jewelry too much? The Spirit has become a notorious womanizer, who loves cats and his city, but does he ultimately love Ellen Dolan? And does Ellen Dolan really not recognize her dead boyfriend as she tends to The Spirit’s wounds?

Then there’s characters like Silken Floss, played to the hilt by Scarlett Johansson. She’s beautiful, brilliant, and just having fun being the right hand of the bad guy. Plus her line of “I have a lucrative business, and I’m great eye candy!” really sums up the movie. The film is glossy, very reminiscent of Sin City, but be careful you don’t look too close. There’s not a lot of substance holding this up, and it will shatter under any scrutiny or criticism.

Over the top characters, slick backdrops, funky black and white with red thrown in details, and lots of cheesy dialogue add up to a good movie for The Queen Of Cheese. It’s not great, and not worth running out to own a copy unless it’s on a super sale, but it is definitely worth sitting down with a big bowl of popcorn and no distractions so you can catch all the cheesy goodness!

Tags: action flick, action movie, Eric Balfour, Eva Mendes, Frank Miller, Gabriel Macht, giggle factor, Jaime King, Samuel L Jackson, Sarah Paulson, Scarlett Johansson, The Spirit, The Tick

Pretty to look at, but not a lot of depth...

I was curious about this particular adaptation of Philippa Gregory’s The Other Boleyn Girl, which I enjoyed reading so much despite (and maybe because of) plenty of artistic license with history. I was disappointed the movie left out so much of the novel, changed “facts”, and presented us with a husk of the great historical fiction the writer delivered.

The Other Boleyn Girl is certainly beautiful to watch. The costumes are gorgeous, hair and makeup, and all the little details just so. The settings are lush, shots of the castle are done in such a way that it looks ominous, just in case you forget that this isn’t going to be a tale with a happy ending. But there’s no substance here. The script is the usual tripe we’ve heard in every other ‘historical drama’. This should have been a dark drama about political intrigue, an emotional tale about two young sisters pitted against each other to further their family’s interests, and an interesting examination of societal mores, including incest and homosexuality. Philippa Gregory’s novel is certainly much more in depth, and while I understand the need to cut for time, what they chose to cut weakened the overall story instead of getting to the actual meat.

All that being said, I enjoyed the movie. I guess I’m just not picky enough about these kinds of films to be mortally offended that a good book is reduced to a cheesy movie. The dialogue is often stilted because they were trying to make it sound all historical and dramatic, so there’s some cheap chuckles for me there. Seeing the attention to detail on the costumes in comparison to the story also amused me. What did impress me was the quality of the acting.

Eric Bana plays the notorious King Henry VIII, although he barely gets enough screen time to develop his character. He plays the younger, still physically attractive Henry, and rolls with the script that portrays him as a man willing to toss aside his kingdom’s well being just to get a pretty young thing into his bed. Jim Sturgess plays the Boleyn sister’s brother, George, who is also horribly underused. But since his character in the book is torn by his painfully loveless marriage to Jane Parker, his emerging homosexuality, and inappropriate fascination with his sisters, I guess filmmakers were too nervous to tackle those issues. What little we see of George is well played, however.

The other Boleyn family that we see are the father, mother, and uncle. The father and uncle are stereotypes, with the father loving his daughters, but letting his ambition override this to let them be whored out. The uncle is just a sleaze. The mother, played by Kristin Scott Thomas, is polar opposite to her character in the book, and actually loves her daughters, and speaks out on their behalf. Again, all characters are acted well, despite major script limitations.

Then we have the sisters. I truly didn’t think Natalie Portman could pull off the Anne Boleyn of the novel, who is portrayed as cruelly conniving and ambitious, and viciously jealous of her sister, Mary’s, ‘good fortune’. The movie tones Anne down quite a bit, making her more sympathetic, and giving Natalie Portman a chance to prove she can act, despite not being allowed to in those last Star Wars movies. She is believable as an ambitious, strong willed young woman willing to do whatever it takes to become queen, yet still loves her sister and brother, and the daughter she gives birth to. Ms. Portman, I am duly impressed.

Scarlett Johansson plays a sweet young Mary who is put in front of the king after Anne blows her first chance. Once again I was surprised at how well this actress did with the role. She could have gone all “Mary Sue” on us and been so sweet that you want to slap her around. Instead she shows us a young woman who initially resists being used as a pawn, then falls in love with the king, and then is cast aside for her sister. Through it all she shows us her anger at her family, and especially her sister, for these betrayals, but makes us believe that she still loves Anne without making Mary look like a doormat.

Overall, I enjoyed this movie. If I hadn’t read the book first, I would have enjoyed it more because I wouldn’t have known how much they butchered it. But cheese is cheese, and while not as trashy as Showtime’s The Tudors by any means, this has a soap opera appeal I can’t stay away from. I will seriously consider adding this one to my permanent collection.

Tags: Eric Bana, Henry VIII, Historical Drama, JIm Sturgess, King Henry, Kristin Scott Thomas, movie review, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, The Other Boleyn Girl, The Tudors