What's that in the distance?...Is that what's left of our careers?

Okay, after being absent in my oh-so-valuable reviews of all that is cheesy in the world of B-movies, I’m finally back to a level of free time which allows me to indulge in this irresistible fixation of mine. The first movie I chose to review sadly has no deep meaning for me, no grandiose karmic communication I felt had to be imparted to an unsuspecting world. Nope. It just happens to be what was in my DVR for me this weekend.

So here goes a review of MegaFault, another venture from Asylum Home Entertaiment which has a lot of potential which was allowed to all shake to the bottom while the CGI team tried to make the graphics more believable. There was a lot to work with this time in the way of the cast, including Eriq La Salle, of ER fame (as well as one of my favorite 80’s movies, Coming To America), Bruce Davison (X-men and a schnike-load of other work), Brittany Murphy (whose “girly” movies I’ve never liked, but could appreciate her fortitude in working opposite of Ashton Kutcher), and Paul Logan (who others may say isn’t a plus, but whom I loved in Komodo Vs Cobra). To the credit of the cast they all played their parts very well. Maybe too well for a movie of this limited caliber. There wasn’t any sense of fun at any point from any of the cast, except an occasional smart-ass line delivered by the background actors. I know this is a disaster movie, but it’s a very far-fetched disaster movie, and one put out by Asylum Home Entertainment. C’mon folks, I know it’s not as fun of a premise as Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, but roll with the punches and revel in the cheese factor!

I think the seriousness that “end of the world” movies incite is what turns me off of them. There seems to be a fear of making fun of anything, no matter how ludicrous the storyline gets. We have a man who specializes in blowing up mountains, named Boomer, and when he takes out a mountain, it causes a giant crack across North America, pretty much dividing the United States in two as it tears through the earth. The military enlist cute little Dr. Amy Lane who has no problem leaving her daughter and husband behind to go investigate the earthquakes, and then get called upon to calculate where the military should fire this secret weapon they have in space that can (wait for it….) start earthquakes! Back to the old “cure amnesia” theory of halting a crisis, whereby you simply have to start another earthquake in the right spot and the world will remember it’s real name is Alice, and she has a dog named… I mean, you’ll stop the first earthquake.

Not to be outdone, the cure then weakens the mantle. Naturally we then get a mega volcano that has to be stopped by blowing up a whole bunch of stuff, ’cause, well, they were running out of reasons why Boomer needed to keep hanging around.

There’s not much of substance along the way, but you do end up liking Amy Lane and Boomer, because they’re played by actors who know how to create empathy. Again, it’s just misplaced for a little movie like this. They’re acting like they’re going for an Oscar instead of just trying to keep their careers in forward momentum.

The special effects here are typical Asylum. Not horrible, not great, but still just bad enough to elicit a giggle. I think that’s why I keep watching Asylum’s movies, because at least half of them I can get through as a result of that cheese factor. The other half (such as The Terminators) are so bad I can’t get past the first thirty minutes, despite my stubborn, masochistic nature.

If you’re a fan of disaster flicks, you will probably enjoy Megafault. If you’re a fan of cheesy movies, you’ll be left wanting (and feeling a little sorry for Brittany Murphy and Eric La Salle).

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, Asylum Home Entertainment, Brittany Murphy, Bruce Davison, Eric La Salle, MegaFault, Paul Logan, You Poor Bastard

Dead weight of a plot sinks this unseaworthy tale.

I was bored and decided, what the heck, I’ll watch an obvious quest for accidental viewings that is 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea. It has Lorenzo Lamas, so I figured it could be good for a few laughs. And it should have been.

This was frustrating, because it could have been very entertaining. They went with some slick CGI on the submarines and the nifty mechanical squid beasties at Captain Nemo’s command. There were even a few mildly entertaining exchanges of dialogue. There was a little bit of action. There was a little bit of intrigue. But there wasn’t enough of anything to keep it afloat, even for the less than 90 minutes of screen time they invested in it.

The main thing it was missing was Captain Nemo. We have to wait until at least halfway into it before we meet him, and then he’s there just to deliver a few hyperbolic “I’m going to show the surface world the evils of it’s ways by launching nuclear missiles at it!” lines. He’s supposed to be mad! Where’s the crazy? Where’s the feral looks as he realizes his plans are being foiled by land lubbers? Where’s anything that would have made him more interesting?

Sad thing is his character had a lot of promise, but they kept his screen time so minimal there was no chance to let the psychotic inside of him shine, like it should have. Instead we have to follow around Lorenzo Lamas and his crew, which includes his ex-wife, and none of them are interesting enough to make me care if they survive or drown. Again, they could have been, but they don’t focus on any of them long enough to draw you into their world. The banter between Lamas’ character and his ex-wife is bearable, but lacks the spark to provide any believable tension.

The basic plot is a submarine gets attacked by a squid beastie, and is stuck at the bottom of the ocean. Lamas and his crew are sent in with their nifty technology that creates a giant oxygen bubble underwater, with the intent to use it to save the crew of the submarine. Captain Nemo has designs on both the nuclear warheads on the sub, and the oxygen bubble technology. He wants the bubble to restore the lost city of Atlantis, which he has discovered. Things just get a little waffley after that, and I just nursed my glass of wine and waited for the inevitable predictable ending.

This is a movie that actually would have benefited from having more screen time, as long as it was used to develop the characters properly, flesh out the plot so things made sense, and given much more Captain Nemo. I was surprised it wasn’t a made-for-tv movie, since it had that feel all over it. If it had been a mini-series, I think it actually would have turned into something great, instead of this rushed-through, by-the-numbers (minus one) formula.

Poor Lorenzo Lamas. You’re not as great as a David Hasselhoff, but you definitely don’t deserve being stuck in a “Stephen Baldwin is the only Baldwin we could get” role like this one. Personally I can’t wait to see the upcoming Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! It has a mega shark, a giant octopus, you, Mr. Lamas, and Deborah Gibson. If that kind of setup doesn’t provide a ton of laughs, my faith in this world will simply be shattered.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, 20000 Leagues Under The Sea, 30000 Leagues Under The Sea, action flick, action movie, b-movie, Jules Verne, Lorenzo Lamas, so close to greatness it's frustrating, You Poor Bastard

Cute tiger plays a little rough.

Okay, there aren’t any lions, but there is a very pretty tiger, and Gary Busey. I was kind of hoping for good ol’ crazy Gary Busey, but he was very, very subdued, to the point I wondered what dosage they had him on. His character wasn’t a wild and crazy guy, or anything, but I expected a little bit more life out of Gary Busey performance. In fact, this movie felt like everyone walked around in a fog, so half the time I spent viewing it I just wanted to see shots of the pretty tiger.

It starts off with a driver swerving on a foggy road to avoid a child sleepwalking. The tiger gets loose, but leaves the child alone. The driver, not so much. Then there are a few more killings, and the tiger’s tracks are discovered, so we don’t have any of the usual wide range denial on the parts of all the characters who insist it can’t possibly be a tiger. Nope. They all agree that it’s a tiger, and the media swarms all over it, making things worse.

The sleep walking boy is featured in this story, but his supposed significance never really pans out. The tiger follows the boy to where he lives with his mother in a trailer, and just sits outside as if the tiger were on a vigil, or even playing bodyguard to the boy. The boy’s mother keeps him out of school, and educates him by making him memorize the Bible a chapter at a time. She wakes him up each morning with a verse, and his first words of the day must be to tell her the book and chapter the verse comes from. She claims she doesn’t want him corrupted by the world. She is a very non-sympathetic character. I’ll leave my analysis of the mother at that.

The boy runs all around through the woods, nearly causing car wrecks as he darts in from of vehicles, and shouting to the tiger to warn it that soldiers are on the way to kill it. It takes too much time for it to be made clear that the boy honestly didn’t think the tiger he sees is real, and that he just dreamed it. And then he keeps dreaming about it, predicting who the tiger will kill next. This plot thread could have been very interesting, but it’s not consistent, so it’s just mildly irritating.

Gary Busey plays the town sheriff who just wants to protect everyone. There are plenty of other characters that are colorful in a pastel sort of way, including a British tiger hunter trying to redeem himself by hunting this town’s tiger. Eventually the sheriff, the hunter, and the boy are all involved with tracking down the tiger, with the boy thinking the tiger is nice because he doesn’t have a television and hasn’t seen the pile of body parts the hungry kitty has left behind.

The ending is predictable, but it at least provides closure for all the aspects of the story. For a man versus beast movie, this one is pretty boring, bland, and not worth making time to watch. There are a couple of funny lines, but they’re few and far between. If it’s on and you have nothing else you feel the urge to view, go for it. Otherwise, let’s release this one back into the wild and hope they don’t make a sequel.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy the song that I couldn’t get out of my head as soon as I heard the title of this movie!

Tags: animal attack movie, b-movie, Gary Busey, Maneater, tiger, You Poor Bastard

No one in their right mind wants to be king of this...

Dear god, this isn’t even worth the $7.98 price tag I see at Amazon. Supposedly based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s novel, The Lost World, it introduces a giant gorilla right off the bat, which apparently isn’t even in the book. It at least looks cool, but the glimpses we get of the furry guy are few and far between, and pretty cheap CGI, even for a B-movie of this ‘caliber.’

They twist the story around by having planes crash land like flies hitting a bug zapper as soon as they enter the air space. In the original tale people arrive there quite deliberately, and are able to leave. In this ‘adaptation’ rescue planes crash as well, you know, to add insult to injury. Radio equipment is stripped out of fuselage by the natives, presumably by other survivors trying to get out of this movie, er, off the island. So there’s basically no escape, even at the very end. Truly, you feel sorry for those that make it out alive, because that means there may be a sequel.

We’re promised dinosaurs and giant spiders and giant scorpions, and we do eventually get them. However we have to sit through a lot of setup to make sure we, as an audience, understand that this plane has crashed on this island, lots of people are hurt, but about half of them are willing to venture over the hill and into the jungle to search for the other half of their plane. Oh, and there’s disagreement about that, but it doesn’t amount to more than surly looks. And when we do finally get spiders, it’s a little CGI and a lot of rubber puppets getting thrown around. It should have been funny, but the film has such a heavy overtone that the potential is lost.

Funny thing about this jungle world is that we only see spiders in one area, killer vines in another area, and giant scorpions in another. Realistically there should have been these critters all over the place waiting to take advantage of a huge cast of easy snacks. And if the Queen Of Cheese is using the word ‘realistically’ in a criticism of a movie, that should give you an idea of how boring and clunky this sucker was that I found myself distracted by such concerns.

There are previous crash survivors on the island who have naturally developed their own primitive, savage society, complete with a language that they must have created for whatever reason, but we don’t know why, or care. They paint themselves black and white, strategically wear strips of linen, and all have perfectly straight, white teeth after eating who knows what with limited hygiene resources. They still speak English when they feel like it, but that’s only long enough to let one of the wives hit on Bruce Boxleitner’s character. This tribe also grabs the newest crash survivors and apparently sacrifice the half that stayed behind with the first piece of the plane, because you only see them get herded off, never to be seen again. Lucky them. The other half that ventured into the jungle must wait it out until the bitter end, like the viewer.

As is often the case in badly done bad movies of this ilk, the cast is horribly wasted. The four main characters reprising a version of Doyle’s creations all do well with the little they’re given, and have decent chemistry between each other. You actually hope they all make it out alive so they can go beat the living crap out of their agents for putting their name up for this. Especially Bruce Boxleitner who deserves so much better than this (and especially better than a Transmorphers 2 for god’s sake). Sadly, I must put him in my You Poor Bastard category.

This should have been awesome, cheesy, and loads of fun. Instead it felt a little like Lost mixed with King Kong mixed with all of those reality shows where everyone yells at everyone else, then cries about it, then form alliances to push the other team off the island. Instead we get clunky script, dialogue, special effects, storyline, and none of the requisite cheese factor that should have gone with it. This was a complete waste of time. You have been warned.

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, action flick, action movie, Bruce Boxleitner, creature feature, giant gorilla, god awful, Jeff Denton, King Of The Lost World, painful test of endurance, Rhett Giles, Sarah Lieving, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Transmorphers 2, You Poor Bastard

This is about as much screen time as Billy Zane gets...

Oh, poor Billy Zane. First your official website is under construction, so I can’t even properly link to you. Then you get ‘top’ billing in a ripoff of all the ‘aliens want to take over our planet and are already hiding in plain sight among us’ sort of movies, and get a total of fifteen minutes of screen time. You seem to be getting work, but it’s nothing of the box office status like Titanic, or cheese factor of The Phantom. I must therefore place you in my ‘You Poor Bastard’ category. I’m sure your world will come crashing down around you now that the self-proclaimed Queen Of Cheese has made her declaration, but you must carry on, dear man.

Alas, my fondness for Billy Zane and his capacity to deliver quality cheese has made me digress from actually talking about Alien Agent, which for a completely unoriginal concept is still a lot of fun. Once again it’s the characters that draw me in and keep me engaged when I would otherwise leave the room without hitting pause while I refill my coffee cup.

An alien world is dying and needs a new world to sustain itself. The good aliens don’t want to destroy sentient life in order to survive, but the bad aliens don’t give a rip. In fairness, these bad aliens have been living amongst us for awhile, secretly building a little wormhole/stargate/portal device. After even a small amount of exposure to the ‘parade of humanity’ I think any alien race would not consider us sentient, let alone worth saving. Especially if they check out all the cheesy movies some of us have on our DVRs…

But again I digress. The good aliens send one agent, named Rykker, to come and save us from the whole gang of bad aliens. This bad ass with a good heart is played by Mark Dacascos. He plays a wooden sort of character with brief moments of funny, especially when he deals with the teenager who tags along after the requisite personal tragedy leaves her all alone in the world. Julie is played by Emma Lahana, and is another former Power Ranger who has impressed me in a subsequent role. She pulls off overly-confident, independent young lady very believably, and provides the comic relief throughout. There’s one scene when she rushes up to grab a discarded alien weapon to defend Rykker. She picks it up with a mannerism which clearly expresses ‘Ew!! Gun!’, and then segues beautifully into ‘Oh, that’s how it’s supposed to go!’ and starts firing. I could totally see my niece doing the exact same thing, and it’s completely understandable, and authentic. I think this actress could get a lot of work if she has a good agent.

The leader of the bad aliens is named Isis, of all things, and is played by Amelia Cooke. She’s pretty, tough, and delivers dark looks that could melt someone’s brain if channeled properly. Despite the hackneyed script, her character is very interesting, especially when you realize there’s a connection between her and Rykker.

The movie stays pretty much on track, although it’s a short trip with a lot of sight seeing into gun fights, martial arts exchanges, and car chases. There’s not a lot to work with, but the filler keeps me entertained, and the chemistry amongst the characters keeps me wondering who’s going to survive, and who’s going to end up with whom.

The ending confused me, though. I couldn’t figure out if a character intentionally deceived another one, or if they really thought the device they hopped into would send them back home. I feel so forgiving of this movie because of the mild entertainment it provided, that the only complaint I really have is that it didn’t give proper closure.

The only other bad thing about the ending is it’s obviously hinting at a sequel, or even a series, which I think would be a mistake. This is the sort of movie that could venture into the melodramatic and take itself way too seriously very easily. Last thing we need is another sci fi series like that when we’re finally getting rid of the snobbish version of Battlestar Galactica…

Tags: Alien Agent, aliens, Amelia Cooke, Billy Zane, Emma Lahana, Kim Coates, Mark Dacascos, sci fi movie, You Poor Bastard

What is it about werewolf movies? Even the ones that are pretty gory I enjoy. I think it’s just the basic premise of fighting your inner beast, and how well that plays out in a movie.

Never Cry Werewolf has a nice and easy premise, shows good versus evil, and has a strong overtone of sensuality that can border on creepy when it involves a sixteen year old girl and her very adult neighbor. The werewolf neighbor has been around for a few hundred years, and naturally this young girl is the spitting image of his wife way back when. He quickly becomes enthralled with her, and begins making moves, but not before he makes the neighborhood his hunting grounds. Hints of inappropriate interest in a teenage girl aside, I really enjoyed Never Cry Werewolf.

One of the strengths of this movie is definitely the acting talent. Nina Dobrev is sweet and tough, and very likable as the young girl who quickly suspects her new neighbor of being a werewolf. The supporting characters of her little brother and her best friend give her a lot to work with to show that she’s smart, but still has a lot to learn about the ways of the world. Of course it doesn’t hurt that she’s very pretty, but she also has the fine art of subtlety down. So many young actresses just shriek their heads off, or take off their clothes, and call it acting. I think Nina Dobrev has a long, substantial career ahead of her, and I hope she does a few more cheesy horror movies so I can reap the benefits.

Peter Stebbings plays the sexy werewolf who learns how to transform at will, making him hungrier and more dangerous than ever. He also plays his character with reserve, so it comes off as intense rather than campy. There’s a lot of chemistry between him and Nina Dobrev, so much so that it’s slightly uncomfortable to watch, considering the age difference. But for the storyline it’s appropriate, so it’s not just there for exploitation.

Sean O’Neill provides a lot of the comic relief, playing the requisite high school boy with a huge crush on the cute, unattainable girl. He throws himself into the fray on her behalf, only to get bitten. His ensuing transformation is ludicrous, and hilarious, and he plays the role with style.

Kevin Sorbo plays a part in this, as well. He’s a television has-been trying to keep his career afloat, and not doing very well at it. I think he enjoys poking fun at himself, which earns him respect in my book. Still, I’m adding him to my “You Poor Bastard” category because after Hercules and Andromeda, he’s reduced to guest spots which seem to thinning as fast as his hair. His role is another huge dose of humor, and definitely helps kick Never Cry Werewolf up on the entertainment scale.

The storyline of Never Cry Werewolf is pretty standard. The special effects are basic for the most part, although the demon dog pet of the werewolf is pretty cool. As far as action and horror, it’s pretty tame. Yes, there is killing and slashing and blood, and a scene with the werewolf enjoying a nice, big bowl of his specially prepared stew (complete with his victim’s jewelry still mixed in), but I’ve definitely seem much bloodier, more graphic movies. It’s the characters and dialogue that kept me giggling, and interested, all the way through. I’ve already watched this twice, and will definitely watch it again. I’m seriously considering adding it to my Amazon wish list, because it seems to be a movie that grows on me with each viewing.

If you like werewolf flicks, you’ll enjoy Never Cry Werewolf. It’s got so much going for it (including Kevin Sorbo) that it would be a shame for you to miss out!

Tags: Andromeda, b-movie, creature feature, Hercules, kevin sorbo, never cy werewolf, Nina Dobrev, Peter Stebbings, Sean O'Neill, werewolf, werewolves, You Poor Bastard

Poor Eric Roberts. Just when it looks like you’re getting decent roles, like in Heroes, again, you revert back to these kinds of movies. Not that I mind. You do them well, and play Emperor Tiberius like the professional you are. Yet it’s a bit beneath you, and lands you solidly in my “You Poor Bastard” category. Not that you care, I’m certain, but I still feel the need to let that out into the universe.

Craig Archibald seems like another actor who should do a hell of a lot better than a movie like this. He was in the movie Capote for crying out loud! Yet here he is, playing Falco with slimy zeal and making me hate his guts within the first few lines he utters. That’s talent, and it’s rather sad to be wasted in a creature feature, even one that’s better than most.

Kevin Stapleton plays Marcus well, even though the script can’t decide on how his character should be received. First he comes off as a huge jerk, then a hero, a jerk again, and then a hero, and then you just throw your hands up in the air and figure, ‘Hey, it’s Marcus up against an evil Roman Empire. I’d be bipolar, too.’ Besides, it keeps things interesting when the Cyclops isn’t around.

This is a well done historical B-movie creature feature. I was very surprised that I could follow the script considering many of these types of stories just throw out the time period and wander aimlessly from there. It’s set in Roman times when people were still getting enslaved and then thrown into the gladiator pits to die for sheer entertainment value. Naturally there are factions ready to rise up, but in this case we need to wait for Marcus to capture the last living Cyclops and bring him to Emperor Tiberius.

The Emperor decides to distract the people further from his cruel reign by making the Cyclops a main attraction at the Colosseum. Plus, it does double duty by feeding the poor Cyclops at the same time. The Emperor pinches pennies when it comes to feeding prisoners, you know.

At some point a few slaves attempt to escape the city only to be captured, Marcus gets arrested for refusing to kill an innocent man, and everyone gets to go to fight as gladiators. Party time! Plus Marcus comes face to face with the creature he captured. The interaction between the two is very interesting to watch. You wonder if Marcus is befriending it out of empathy, or for some ulterior motive, and you wonder how long it will take the Cyclops to realize Marcus has a lot of meat on his bones.

The last third of the film is a lot of fight scenes, a lot of brutality both at the hands of humans and the Cyclops, and a little political intrigue for spice. The quality of actors holds this film up higher than it would have been with the usual stable a film company would have used, so I was watching intently all the way to the end.

The CGI on the Cyclops was very well done, clearly adding touches to a real human, in the vein of Gollum from Lord Of The Rings. It’s pretty cartoonish against the film’s backdrops, but because they made him move so well he still looks fierce and cool. The voice actor added depth, even though the lines were few and far between. I was glad they gave the Cyclops the ability to communicate that much, instead of just making him a big, rampaging beast.

Cyclops is a solid creature feature movie with historical tones, surprisingly well-written and well-cast. There were a few problems with the plot, but they weren’t distracting, especially since this isn’t going for any Oscars. I would watch this one again if I have the time, although I won’t be tempted to own it on DVD. It was good, but not that good.

Watch for this one on rotation at SciFi.com. Then pop yourself a big bowl of popcorn, and settle in for a lot of cheesy action!

Tags: "Not So Original" Movies, b-movie, Capote, Craig Archibald, creature feature, Cyclops, Emperor Tiberius, Eric Roberts, monster, Roman Empire, You Poor Bastard

There’s a bit more gore in Super Gator than I like in my movies, but it’s Roger Corman as executive producer, so there’s plenty of humor to make me overlook it. Since I watched it on Sci Fi I was also spared the gratuitous flashes of nudity, but again, it’s Roger Corman, so I can forgive. He’s the reason there’s a t.v. series of The Black Scorpion that I hope to own one day. But I digress.

The film is set in Hawaii, so there’s plenty of pretty young things wandering around in skimpy attire, or making out with their boyfriend at the edge of beautiful waterfall. We don’t have to wait long for the Super Gator to start snacking, and it’s in typical Corman style. Lots of blood, some crunching, lots of screaming, and a flash or two of teeth and eyes before we get a full on view of one nasty reptile. The CGI on the critter is fluid, reflecting either a better budget than the days of Carnosaur, or just more dedicated programmers.

The premise is simple. There’s a geologist observing a volcano, hoping to learn better how to predict an eruption. Meanwhile, a local animal preserve specializing in genetic tinkering have lost track of one of their projects. This is all happening awfully close to a busy resort, so you have tourists wandering around blissfully unaware of their future as an hors d’oeuvre. The volcano begins to rumble, the gator is running around chomping on anyone hapless, drunk, or scantily clad enough to get in its way. We quickly get to even more creature action as the paths of the scientist and geologist cross.

Kelly McGillis plays the role of Kim Taft, the woman in charge of finding the wayward gator. The beauty from Top Gun is showing her age, but she fits the role of a tough, no-nonsense broad very well. I have to place her in the “You Poor Bastard” category since she had a solid career going back to the ’80s and then… Who knows what happened? She’s at least still working, but it seems random, and occasionally desperate. Hopefully things will shape up as she comes back with roles on series like The ‘L’ Word, which I guess is a hit.

John Colton plays the hunter with a grizzled sense of humor. I rooted for his character right up until the end only because he reminded me of my grandpa, albeit with a lot more booze in his system. He plays off Kelly McGillis, and the two of them parlay their lines back and forth like pros. Their scenes together are brief, but a lot of fun.

Brad Johnson, Bianca Lawson, Mary Alexandra Stiefvater, and Josh Kelly all deserve honorable mentions as the main characters. I cringed a little bit at the hinted romance between the older geologist and the younger journalist, but I do that when it happens in any movie. The chemistry wasn’t there, but the hint was mild enough to overlook. The four of them together provided a lot of entertainment, and some more good one-liners.  Even when they split up to go in separate directions, the actors still keep you focused on the movie, and wondering which of them, if any, will survive for a sequel.

The first half of the movie is setup for the last half.  It’s not boring because this is where a lot of the cheesy humor is placed, including a scene with models at a waterfall with a sleazy photographer telling them to flap their arms like birds.  There’s another scene with a trio of idiot friends trying to make up a local cure for a hangover, and naturally having to test it by getting sloppy drunk themselves.  We also have a pair of college girlfriends wandering around the lake bemoaning how boring their trip is, only to encounter…dun, dun, dun, dun! Super Gator!

The second half picks up the pace with some lava, even more Super Gator, and the requisite ‘We’re running out of time!’ plot lines.  Between the volcano and the Super Gator, there’s plenty to keep our characters busy, and the viewer entertained.

Overall Super Gator is prime Roger Corman. He’s still going strong mentoring up and comers in the fine art of b-grade horror and camp. I may prefer less gore and sexual overtones than this dirty old man seems to like, but he’s a legend, so he can put his name to just about anything and I’ll watch it at least once. If you’re a fan of Roger Corman, Super Gator is a must-see. The grand master is still going strong!

Tags: b-movie, Bianca Lawson, Black Scorpion, Brad Johnson, Carnosaur, creature feature, giggle factor, horror, John Colton, Josh Kelly, Kelly McGillis, Mary Alexandra Stiefvater, roger corman, sci fi, super gator, Top Gun, You Poor Bastard

I watched this the entire way through giggling my copious butt off. It wasn’t until after I read the Amazon synopsis that I realized all the anachronisms I saw were intentional. This version of Beowulf is supposed to be set after the apocalypse. Sure, why not? I mean, we all know that after the world ends mankind will rise back up and have a few electronic devices, such as infrared telescopes, and loudspeaker systems, but will have no indoor plumbing, no lighting, and will naturally go back to a feudal system (where the women stride around in Victoria’s Secret lingerie). Oh, and heroes of legend such as Beowulf will wander the land as an immortal who must constantly fight evil so he does not become evil himself.

So I got laughs for all the wrong reasons with what I thought were anachronisms. That’s okay. There was plenty else to entertain me for all the right reasons.

Not the least of these were the star, Christopher Lambert. This was made shortly after Mortal Kombat, and it shows in the soundtrack, and the manipulation into the script of the line “That was a mistake.” If you have seen any of his later work, you’ll understand why he is yet another entry into the “You Poor Bastard” category. He’s not a great actor, but he is charismatic, and always entertaining. I don’t think I have ever seen him take himself too seriously, which is why I love him nearly as much as David Hasselhoff. Here he plays Beowulf with his usual flair, and thanks to a talented stunt double, is still a great action star.

We are also introduced to Rhona Mitra who plays Kyra, Hrothgar’s willful (naturally) daughter. She has a solid career going for her now, including Doomsday (which I still need to see), Skinwalkers (another one I intend to watch) and taking over the lead role in the upcoming Underworld 3: Rise Of The Lycans. Watching her performance here you can understand why. Sure, she’s walking around showing off her svelte figure in lingerie ensembles no self-respecting warrior woman would wear, but she plays against the testosterone-laden co-stars with believable fire and intelligence. Thank god she had a good agent, because she definitely deserves roles in better movies than what I enjoy!

The rest of the cast does admirably well with this B-grade flick and take on the hackneyed lines with just enough tongue-in-cheek attitude that the movie is entertaining and fun. Grendel’s mother is played by a former Playboy centerfold, but she delivers her lines with a lot more skill than I would have expected. Even when they stick her in Species alien makeup, she takes it all in stride.

The mixture of a techno soundtrack and western movie themes just adds to the ludicrous nature of this telling of Beowulf. I haven’t read the epic poem, yet I’m sure they took a few liberties here and there, and still stayed true to the spirit of the legend. But really, that’s not the point of movies like this.

Basically, don’t watch Beowulf for the story. Don’t watch it for the acting. Don’t watch it for the action. Don’t watch it for the laughable ’special effects’ on Grendel. Don’t even watch it for the giant paper cutter the enemies beyond the castle walls use to dispatch refugees. Watch it for the same reason I watch these kinds of movies: because you’re bored, you need a laugh, and you can appreciate a bad movie for all the things that make a truly bad movie so great.

And Christopher Lambert, go ahead and do the remake of Mortal Kombat that I see is in casting mode. I, for one, will watch it just for you, dear man.

Tags: anachronism, apocalypse, Christopher Lambert, giggle factor, You Poor Bastard

This is yet another After Dark Horror Fest movie, this time from 2006. Wicked Little Things was a lot better than the other entries I forced myself to sit through, but not great. There are a few things that hold it back.

The acting talent surprisingly was not one of those things. Chloe Moretz plays a sweet little girl who befriends a zombie child, but it doesn’t come off as saccharin. She’s just a kid who wants to make friends in her new neighborhood, and a zombie just happens to be the first person her age she meets. Hey, it happens all the time, right? Okay, not all the time, but I could totally believe this would happen if the circumstances converged just right.

The rest of the cast are decent in their roles, but none more so than poor Ben Cross, another entry into a fast-growing category known as “You Poor Bastard”. Anyone else playing a deep woods kind of guy who blood-lets himself daily so he can paint his door, and now his new neighbor’s, with it to keep vengeful zombie children at bay, might have gone a bit overboard with camp. Not Ben Cross. He plays every role I see him in, no matter how god-awful beneath his talent, with a very, very serious demeanor. He adds a depth to this movie that otherwise would have sunk it down to the depths of D-grade films that bore you when they mean to be oh-so-scary.

What irks me with this film is the the story mires itself down in melodrama when it just needed a sprinkling for seasoning. It starts off with a tragic mining accident which results in the deaths of several children. It is the result of greed by the town’s big, bad landowner, so the children come back hungry for revenge. That’s pretty damn awful right there.

That really should have been enough. But then they bring in a mother and her two daughters. The husband recently passed away, leaving them nearly bankrupt, but they discover the deed to this house in an old mining town, and head on out to claim it. We have to sit through about a third of the film listening to them all whine and cry about how unfair it all is, and why, oh why did they have to move way out here to this disgusting house, and everything is just so tragic and awful, but they still love each other, and as a family they’ll get through it. Okay. I get it. It’s horrible to lose a loved one. We know this. But for a horror movie, you don’t need to beat me over the head with this kind of thing. C’mon! You’ve got zombie children with pickaxes waiting outside! This is supposed to be their story!

There are also some inconsistencies which I won’t go into, mostly because they’re minor. There is a bit of blood and gore, including one scene where three surviving cast members get soaked with the blood of a not-so-fortunate character. I kept thinking of shampoo and conditioner commercials gone wrong, but that’s just me.

There aren’t a lot of special effects used, which gives Wicked Little Things the perfect vibe. The filmmakers also added this weird sound effect whenever the zombie children are around. It sounds almost like insects, but not quite, and it’s a nice, creepy addition.

Aside from the excruciatingly-long setup before the action really starts, this is a solid story with refreshingly good writing. Subtle makeup, and excellent casting of the quiet, killer zombie children, all add up to make this a rare thing for me: an honest-to-goodness horror movie I found I enjoyed.

Tags: blood should not be used as conditioner in your hair, You Poor Bastard, zombie children